Tag Archives: munches

Mundane Kink

27 Jun

i was thinking last night that my kink is woven into my life almost seamlessly.   Not really, of course, the seams are there and i’m still in the processing of stitching the pieces of my life together.  But it seemed almost seamless yesterday.

i talked to Sfp about our plans for her impending trip to Where-i-Live ~ she’ll be here Thursday. Thursday of this week ~ how cool is that???  We talked about vanilla things we’d do, and we talked about the munch and whether or not she’d want to bring fetish wear.

{BTW, Sfp, it doesn’t look like there will be a play party after the munches this weekend, so don’t worry about bringing the corset…}

We talked about how odd it will seem to call each other by our vanilla names.  That’s a seam, right?   But she knows both my names.  That carries some kind of power of intimacy. 

i went to the Sunday munch last night.  It’s a small munch, maybe 20 or 25 people.  i spent a lot of time talking with Ms. Constance and another woman, whose name i have no idea how to spell. She has just moved to Where-i-Live, and Ms. Constance and i were filling her in on local lore and restaurants to go to. 

You would not have known that we were into kink at all.

But the delightful people sitting across the table from me, who i also chatted with,  were telling me that for the first ten years they were married, they were mostly vanilla ~ with some spice ~ but no real connection with the lifestyle.  Now they know that they are both tops, and are polyamorous so they each have someone of their own to top.

Not a typical arrangement, at least not in the vanilla world, but think of the problems that could arise if you and your spouse are both tops.  And the problems it would solve if you each found someone to be a bottom for you.

Of course, i’m sure their arrangement generates its own issues, but that’s just life, right?   

 My point is that not very long ago, just having that conversation would have been a little mind-boggling for me. Now – it’s practically mundane.

Ten years ago, i still thought it was seriously warped that Story of O turned me on.

Five years ago, i was living out some private kink, but i was pretty isolated – and would have been completely isolated in that experience except for JM, the amazing analyst.  {Thank you, JM.}

A year ago, i was just at the very beginning of discovery about the world of public kink and the community here.  {Thank you, Sir D.}

And now,i feel like i own it.  

 

It’s mine, and i am theirs.  

Yes, i belong.

At the end of June last year, i’d had the blog for two months, and had gotten about 400 hits.   i was thrilled with that.  

Today, i’ll break 40,000.

How cool is that?

So no matter how much my stories might seem to be a roller coaster of emotions, an endless pursuit of the “right” relationship, it’s ok.   i think i’m right where i need to be, right now.

 

 

Tags: , ,

Looking Forward…

8 Jun

i’ll get back to my story, probably.  For the moment, just imagine me sitting there, still naked, composing my essay on the five reasons spankings are good for me.  

Hand-written, He insisted.  Neatly, in my best writing.  At least a paragraph explaining each reason.

Sigh.

In the meantime:

Sfp from Jumping On In, is definitely coming to visit me, right here inWhere-i-Live, 4th of July weekend.  i expect it will be a mostly vanilla visit, with maybe a munch or two thrown in.

Our local dungeon is having some zoning problems, so i’m not sure if the munch will be there or not.  But i know there will be a munch somewhere, and if Sfp wants to, we’ll be there.  

 

i’m excited.  Since i’m big on planning, i’m already sending her lists of things we could do.  

In other news, i registered for C.O.P.E.  The 2 day kink event in Ohio.  So i’m going.  For sure.  

It’s not til September, so that gives me plenty of time to worry about it.

i might not have done it if i couldn’t hear youall making those squawking chicken noises in the background.  What?  That wasn’t youall?

O.

Ok, i guess it was me.

…laughing…

But i’m committed now.  So if any of youall are going, let me know ~ i’d love to see you there.

Even in the midst of grief and loss and sorrow, life goes on.   Sin, i’m thinking of you too, in light of the tragic death of your friend and boss.  i know i’ve quoted from this before, but it seems particularly apt today.  

“Then a woman said, “Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.” 
      And he answered: 
      Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. 
      And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. 
      And how else can it be? 
      The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. 
      Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? 
      And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
      When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. 
      When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. 
      Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.” 
      But I say unto you, they are inseparable. 
      Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. 
      Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
      Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. 
      When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.” 

~~ Kahlil Gibran

Tags: ,

The Day After

7 May

Peep-toe boots, no stockings, short black skirt and simple, scoop neck, purple top.  Yep, that’s what i wore.  

i thought it looked pretty vanilla until i had to get out of the car to go to the ATM at my bank.  As i started back to my car, a man was just getting out of his car.  He looked my up and down, not rudely, but clearly checking me out, and smiled.

i jumped back in my car, blushing a little.  Yes, i looked like i was going to some kind of party.  But it was the eve of a big festival here in Where-i-Live, so lots of people were gussied up in ways they might not normally be!

i had trouble getting there ~ lots of traffic, and then some streets were closed, so i had to detour.  My GPS chose that time to quit working.  It just wouldn’t re-route me.  As if it couldn’t quite figure out where i was, or just refused to believe that i wasn’t where i was supposed to be on the route it had set.  

Sigh.

But then i suddenly knew where i was again, and i was only one wrong turn and a correction away from the munch!

The Gentleman Prince was waiting for me at the entrance, and that was nice.   Bob got there right after me, before we had even headed back to the buffet.

Neither one of them had anything negative to say about my appearance, so i’m thinking it was ok.

It was wonderful having their company through dinner.  GP has a very strong submissive presence, which was interesting.  Except for Mick, i don’t think i know any submissive men {despite the surprise ending of my fantasy at church the other day.}  So GP was a new experience.

i think he would be a terrific match for a woman interested in a female-led relationship.   He’s clearly an independent, self-sufficient man who wants to please and is open to all kinds of ways to do that.  Very cool.

Bob and i were already acquaintances and could become good friends.  He describes himself as a sensual Dom, and isn’t into a lot of fancy play.  Just basics that lead to orgasms ~ nothing wrong with that!

Later on, we saw a woman with her hands bound above her head, legs spread.  Her Dom had a tool that looked like a chain saw, only there was a dildo on the end of it.  Yes, he inserted that into her, ever so delicately, while we watched with great interest.  

i could barely hear her, although she was squirming and making some noises, but i clearly heard his “NO,” and thought aw, man, o, my, he’s not gonna let her cum.  It made me squirm a little.  She was squirming more than a little.

And then of course he finally gave permission, and really, it was a little “whew” of relief for me too!  Bob was standing next to me then, and he nodded, “I need to make me one of them.”

i just smiled, a little weakly maybe, and said,”mmmhmmm.”

But the big excitement for the evening ~ one of the big excitements ~ was the new piece of equipment we have.

It looks pretty much like this, your basic St. Andrews cross, but it has a lot more straps on it and the person is more firmly bound.  Because ~~

~~ it spins.  

Not round and round like a merry-go-round, but vertically.  Head over heels, upside down, round and round.  

Yikes.

Is that not too cool????

No, i didn’t do it.  i don’t know if i can do that kind of dizzy anymore.  But, um, maybe next time.


 

Tags: , , ,

What to wear…

6 May

i know, Donna says relax and breathe, and yes, i will.  Just as soon as i decide what to wear.  

So, here’s some parameters of what i’m thinking.  What i wear for the munch shouldn’t be too “fetwear” not that i actually have fetwear anyhow, but i can wear something that then i can modify for the party if i want to.  

{FYI, for everyone who’s thinking “just wear what you want and don’t worry about it” – yes, of course you’re right, and i will.  But i’m trying to decide what i want to wear.  i like this part.  It’s one of the few things i do that i think is “girly.”  Only, because i’m not really a girly-girl, it takes me a long time… so just skip this post if you think it’s ridiculous.}

Ok, back to the plan.  i do want to wear the peep toe boots, because weather wise this will be my last chance.  i’ve been wearing them with leggings so that my toe isn’t covered in stocking, but am considering thigh highs instead .  i don’t know.  See, that’s where i could switch off – wear leggings and then change before the party.

Then all i need is lingerie {yes, i think so} and outer wear.  Right.

So i’ve got a couple of cute skirts that are short for me.  But they’re either black or dark blue.  Tops wise, i can wear just a cute top, or i can wear a chemise with a short sleeved top thing that’s open in the front – a knit top thing over it.  Yeah, that really describes it, doesn’t it.. 

But then i end up either in all black, and i don’t think the blacks match, or i could do the white chemise with the black top thing and … no.  That doesn’t feel right.  Backing up.

Yes, i am just torturing myself for no good reason.  i know this.

Bob says:  No need to OVERdress as far as I’m concerned…less is best, lol”

Um, thanks for the input, Bob. 

The big question is the thigh highs vs leggings question.

I e-mailed a couple of other subs to ask them what they thought.  So far i’ve got one vote for thigh highs, as long as no seam shows where my toe is.  The sub’s master thought au natural would be better, but it doesn’t look right with these boots.  (Yes, that was Bill and Donna.)

Laughing… and ultimately, i’ll go throw something on and it will be fine.  Or not, right?

Hmmmm, another county heard from – this one says bare foot with a peep toe.  

Yes, it does take a village to dress a slut.

And now i need to go do my hair.  If you have further suggestions, feel free to share.  At this point, i’m thinking short skirt, thigh highs, just a regular top that i like, and peep toe boots.  But we’ll see.  Thanks for the help!!



Tags: , , ,

Ms. Constance and Edge Play

3 Apr

So there we are, G and i, at the munch, sitting with Ms. Constance and some other people.  Ms. Constance is the matriarch of the community here, and an impressive person.   i’ve blogged about her before.

Her slave, Drew, is away on a trip and she has someone else with her, also named G, apparently as a fill-in of sorts{?}  i don’t ask.  But, when she commens that she needs another soft drink, he jumps up to get her one pretty quickly.

But then, anyone would.  

G and i have both already eaten – me at the fish fry, of course.  So we just chat – O, and he buys a paddle with a heart cut-out.  It was a pretty blue paddle. 

No, {laughing}he doesn’t end up using it on me.

Anyhow – cutting to the chase here – Ms. Constance did a class on Edge Play, which was interesting and a lot of fun.  i didn’t learn a whole lot brand new, but it’s good to hear it laid out so nicely.  And she has some stories. 

There are probably 40 of us in the class, maybe more.  That’s nice too cause it gives the community a frame of reference.

She makes several points. 

1.  Edge play can be anything that makes us uncomfortable, or makes people watching uncomfortable ~ on edge.  General categories of edge play are:  breath play, fire play, and knives.  Humiliation can be edge play. 

Some people would consider golden showers, or brown showers, or rainbow showers  edge play.  Age play has been considered edge-y, although that’s changing. 

2.  Edge play for me may not look like a big deal to you, but you may not understand what’s happening.  Don’t judge.

3.  Edge play for me may look gross and disgusting to you.   {Rainbow showers, for example = throwing up.  Yikes.}  Don’t judge.   If you want to feel less judgmental, take a class in it or talk to someone who likes it and try to open your mind to the concept.  It still may not be your cup of tea {so to speak} but it may make it less ~ um, icky.

4.  There’s a difference between pushing someone’s limits or edge play and confronting a phobia.  Leave people’s phobias alone, unless you’re working on it together in some consensual way. 

5.  “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” is, to quote Ms. Constance, “something the gay guys came up with to make the vanillas go away and leave them alone.  They never thought anyone in the community would take it seriously.”

RACK ~ Risk Aware Consensual Kink ~ is the approach Ms. Constance takes, which is what Sir D used to talk about too.  It actually makes more sense.  After all, if someone’s going to be setting fires on my body, can that really be considered safe or sane?

Of course, my list of the points she made is dreadfully dry and boring compared to the stories Ms. Constance tells as illustration.  For example, she tells one about a guy who was tied up and blindfolded  ~ actually, many of her stories start this way.  But this particular one involved wax play and a wick that ran the length of his cock…

And i can’t do her stories justice.

She engages the audience a lot too, which always makes it fun.  You can imagine my shock when she’s talking about humiliation and says,  “For example, I might say,” and she looks at me, “aisha, you’re really quite the little slut, aren’t you?”

So i giggle, you know, i can’t help it. 

And she says, still watching me, “So then if I get that reaction, i think, O, she’s reacting to that, I think I’ll do that some more.”   

i can feel myself grinning, and my face is getting hot.  i half-cover my face.

She says, “And if she keeps reacting, then I’m going to keep doing it.” 

By which time I’m pretty sure i’m bright red, and Ms. Constance concludes with, “And if i can make her blush, then that’s really good!” 

She goes on with the lecture, and there are questions and answers and she makes a final point that i think is really important.  She talks about the responsibility of Doms to be careful and take care of the sub.  And she talks about our responsiblity too, to take care of ourselves.

So if someone wants to do knife play with me, i may like the idea, AND i need to ask them what experience they have with knife play.   If they don’t have any, it doesn’t mean we can’t still play, but i might want to take it more slowly. 

We need to be aware of the risks.

We have a responsiblity to let a Dom we’re playing with know if we have any medical or physical conditions.  i’m bad about this.  i’ll tell you i don’t have any health problems ~ well, i don’t really!

O, um, well, i do take meds for my blood pressure.  But it’s a really low dose!

O, and i might have some knee issues… 

…and shoulder problems, sometimes. 

Yeah. 

Probably better not to wait til i’m in the middle of some suspension bondage to admit that.

Beyond that even, subs have a responsibility to make good choices, just like we do in every other part of our lives.  As trust builds, we may take more risks of course.  We may exchange more power.  But if we hand our well-being over to someone else from the beginning, we may end up in trouble.  We need to ~ you know, be aware of risks and aware of what we’re consenting to.

Anyhow, G and i left after the class.  i saw three or four people i know and really like, so that was cool.  i’m going back next month for sure.

AND –

starting next month, on Fridays, they’re going to do some kind of organized thing to encourage people {like me} to play.  So they’re talking about letting tops set up areas, like stations, where they can demonstrate their skills and subs can walk around and look and negotiate to play if they want to.

Doesn’t that sound fabulous?

Sigh… of contentment, i think.

i’m back to loving this community, and ready to get more involved.

 

Tags: , , ,

Showered and Shaved

2 Apr

…and wearing cute, matching lingerie, i headed out to the fish fry.  Which was fun, and the fish was good, and i enjoyed spending some time with vanilla friends. 

im using the term vanilla fairly loosely, cause i wouldn’t necessarily put money on it that everyone at the table was.  But if there was kink there, it was lightly covered in appropriate public behavior.

Anyhow.

By then – i was pretty much committed to the munch because of G. 

i met G on CM originally, and he joined FL, so we’ve been in touch, and he seemed really nice.  He travels for his job and just happens to be in town this weekend for a convention.  We’d talked about going and agreed that he’d let me know by 6 if he was in or out.

About 5, i get an e-mail saying he’s in.  So i am too, cause it would be mean to back out then, right?

Since i’ve never met him in person, we meet in another public place first.  i know you probably can’t always tell if someone’s a psycho killer, but i think you can get some feel for it.  And i want to make sure i feel comfortable with him before i take him to the munch. 

He’s from Wisconsin, so he has that distinctive accent – or is it eccent?  He’s also easy-going and evidently harmless.

So we end up riding together – i drive – which is probably a good thing, since my iphone GPS misdirects me – don’t laugh, it does – or maybe i misunderstand it – whatever.  But u-turns are the order of the day at first, and there’ss an alley or two involved.   Actually, he could have been worried that i was abducting him.  But i didn’t, and he doesn’t turn out to be psycho-serial-killer either, so we get to the munch safely.

G is talkative, which is good, and keeps me too distracted to even think about being nervous.  So i’m really not – or only a tiny bit – when we pull up. 

And then we’re in, and sign in and pay, and at last – walk into the room full of people eating pizza and talking.  

 

Yes, where the chairs are lined up against the wall, only they set up tables and the lights are normal and there’s lots of people; it’s almost like a vanilla gathering.  Until you see the girl selling raffle tickets is in a little outfit that literally shows her butt, and someone is patting her on it.

Anyhow.

Mr. Michael sees us, and comes over to greet us, and hugs me.

Now, i know that Mr. Michael hugs just about everyone who comes to the munch, at least it seems like it.  And i’m sure he tells them all he’s glad to see them too.  But he has such a nice way of doing it, that i feel really welcome, so that’s nice.

And i’m out of time this morning…  i’ll have to finish later today.   But i wanted you to know that i went!  i’ll be back with the rest of the story.

 

Tags: , ,

A Munch?

1 Apr

So – i think i might go to a munch tonight.

Or maybe not.

i remember Molly’s suggestion that i spend more time in vanilla organizations…  i’m going to a fish fry first tonight – does that count?

And i’m not staying for the play party.  But Ms. Constance is doing a class on Edge Play, which should be pretty cool.  If nothing else, it would give me something to blog about tomorrow.

Or – maybe i’ll change my mind, totally chicken out.  That’s ok too, right? 

But i might go with somebody i’ve been talking to who’s from out of town.  Not as a – not as “us getting together,”  but just as friends.  So that might keep my courage up.  Unless he changes his mind, in which case i probably won’t go.

i mean, i’m not getting waxed or anything.

Well, i might shave.  i’ll probably shave.   And wear cute underwear.  Because you never know, right? 

Ok.

Enough of this already. 

i have to be at work way too soon.

If you think about it, send some positive energy my way tonight…

 

Tags: ,

Quickie

19 Mar

No, not that kind of quickie!

Just don’t have much time this morning.  i should get someone to do my posts for me, like Mick does over at UCTMW…  {laughing}

Ok, maybe i have had some terrific guest posts lately.  i’m not complaining.

i went to drumming circle last night – it’s been ages since i did that and i’ve missed it…  Here’s a picture of a drum like mine:

And here’s a clip of a drumming circle that looks and sounds a lot like the one i go to – except for the fire – we weren’t outside.  Also there aren’t people talking in the background.  But the drumming sounds the same.   Press here.

It made me feel so wonderful, even though i was out of practice, and there weren’t a whole lot of us there.  But it was still – it’s a little bit like playing in the kink sense, cause you’re in the moment and you can lose track of yourself and be more aware of yourself at the same time.

Anyhow.  It made me wonder if i’m  acting like a teenager, being all caught up in kink and Doms and stuff  – not that i don’t have the rest of my life, but maybe i just need to add more things like drumming to my life.

So i’m going to a spring equinox celebration tonight, i think.  That should be fun too.

i’m excited about how many people are interested in coming to the bloggers convention, and will sit down and try to figure out if there’s an optimal time.  Regardless of what date we pick, there’s an open invitation to any of you if you want to come visit.  Every first weekend, there’s a munch and play party, if you’re interested in that.  So as far as i’m concerned, we could have a mini bloggers convention every month!

 On that note – time to go. 

O – wait – big news – MoR has bought a house.  At least it sounds like it’s all final – still has to be inspected, but contracts are signed.  So that’s very cool, and i’m so happy for him!

Tags: , ,

In Real Life

28 Dec

i started to continue “The Training School” – and got as far as:  “All lotioned and perfumed, i slip into the clothes they’ve laid out for me.   Tonight, i’m wearing a …” and i was going to say ‘purple corset, fishnet stockings, and of course, heels,” when i realized that i wasn’t feeling it.  In fact, the idea made me cringe a little and want to put more clothes on.

i promise i’ll come back to it – just not today.   i’m having to make some difficult decisions about my mother’s healthcare this week, and i need to center myself differently.  My mind is unsettled, ideas dart around, sensations and half-formed thoughts run wild.  

{laughing) A couple of days ago, on facebook i used this quote from Harry Potter: 

“I sometimes find, and I am sure you know the feeling, that I simply have too many thoughts and memories crammed into my mind…. At these times… I use the Pensieve. One simply siphons the excess thoughts from one’s mind, pours them into the basin, and examines them at one’s leisure.”
~~Albus Dumbledore

That’s what blogging does for me, at least sometimes.  Lets me lay my thoughts out and play with them at leisure.

Like the quote from one of the subsister’s new Dom, which Sin also quoted.  He says the sign of a great dominant is:  “being able to want something, and convince you that you want it, that you need it and crave it and that you are being spoiled and treated like a princess when he gives it to you…”

It’s a fascinating definition, and Sin’s post on it is equally interesting.  i’m not sure what i think about it, and am not sure that it’s accurate, but i love the sound of it.  i want to ask my Sir what He thinks about it.  Because – o –

– on one hand, i would tell you, with all sincerity, that Sir D has not “made me want” anything.  Really.  And –

              – o, wait – um, when i met Him i would never, in a million years, have imagined getting naked in front of a room full of people and being

                                 strung up with rope – set on fire – and um, beaten. 

And now i absolutely can’t wait to do it again. 

Gosh.   How did that happen?

i’m fascinated by the positive responses i got to “The Training School.”  I got 225 hits on my blog December 26  – which, i know, is not a lot compared to a lot of you, but it’s a whole lot for me.  And nearly as many yesterday.     

Writing it is an interesting experience.  The words flow.  i can see The School, and feel it.   It’s real.  And it turns me on.  

Is it the minutiae of control that’s so arousing?  The detail?  Or is there something else about the school concept that speaks to us?   i’d love to hear your ideas on it.  What makes it hot?

And i really will come back to it.  The plot is laying itself out in my mind, the characters coming to life.  Weird.  Of course, Tipacanoe is applying for the position of Headmaster – but {laughing} wouldn’t it be fun to do a national search?    Ok, maybe not that many people would apply, and – o, that’s right, there isn’t really a school.  i guess in the long run, that would be a problem.

But think about it.  We could have  2 or 3, maybe even 4, essay questions for the candidates to answer.  What would we want to know? 

i’ve been thinking about the munch i went to Sunday night, which was a lot of fun.  i begin to feel a sense of belonging in the community here, and that feels good.  Interesting to shift easily from the old tv shows we liked (Rifleman, Bonanza, Twilight Zone) to the kink we like, with barely a breath inbetween. 

Interesting the ways we come to the community – from those of us arriving late to the party, bringing our quirks along with the kink – to the 18 year olds.  Good grief, i can’t imagine what that would be like.  But she’s right, the young lady is, when she says something like, “Well, coming to this so young, I won’t have to go through the bad marriages and vanilla relationships that youall went through first.”

She’s right, at least in a way, and we nod in agreement.   Her path will be different.  i don’t think we need to remind her that it’ll have its own perils and pain.

And i’m recentering myself because this weekend, this Friday, Sir D will be here.  We saw each other the first weekend in November, the first weekend in December, and now the first weekend in January.  Looking back, i see some patterns in how i cope with that.

i miss Him so much – and {laughing} so much more than i want to.  i don’t want to miss Him at all.  i want to be totally fine with not seeing Him.  And  – are you familiar with the AA definition of fine?

Fucked-up/ Insecure/ Neurotic/ and – i always forget “E” – is it Emotional?   Yeah, Emotional.

Well, that’s about how “fine” i become over the course of 4 weeks without seeing Him. 

You can’t imagine how much that pisses me off  – at myself, mostly.  i struggle with it, like a fish in a net.  i start to swim away, only to realize the net encircles me.  To leave, i’d have to tear the net, and – much to my dismay – i realize i don’t want to do that.

So i swim in circles, bumping into the net here and there. 

i give up and swim listlessly in one place. 

i get reenergized and make another run for it – hitting the net again. 

Finally, i begin to get used to it, to re-find some kind of balance for myself.   By then, the waiting is almost over.  Have i really shut down, gotten used to being alone?  i don’t know. 

Today, i’m turning back toward Him. 

Just a few more days – tomorrow and Thursday to get through.  i am pulled, drawn toward Him.  Fighting that a little bit.  i don’t want Him to have this much power over me.  i want to be casual, nonchalant. 

Yeah, good luck with that, right?  Damn it.

Last night, i picked up my phone to text Him, and before i could dial the number, He popped up on IM.  That touch of Him lingers.

Today, when i think of Him, my skin tingles.  It’s stupid and corny, but i ache to feel His hand in my hair. 

Damn it.

Long to feel Him kiss me.

Want to kneel in front of Him.

Soon, i will.

For now, i wait, poised in my mind, on my knees.  Sitting straight and tall.  Knees apart a little.  My face is upturned, i’m waiting, watching for Him.  My hands rest on my thighs, palms up, tingling with anticipation. 

Waiting.

Tags: ,

New Limits

9 Dec
“One extends one’s limits only by exceeding them.”  ~~ M. Scott Peck
 
 
We went out to eat Saturday night, some lovely Thai food , and then we went to the munch.  It was in the basement under a bar this month – the venue we’d been using didn’t keep their commitment to us, so Mr. Michael had to scramble around and find someplace at the last minute.   
 
The munch used to meet regularly in this basement space once upon a time, so it was a little nostalgic for Sir D and other old-timers.  The rest of us were just glad to have somewhere to meet.
 
Of course the party was held in our dungeon, and we headed there after the munch.  A bunch of people went upstairs and had drinks first though.  So there weren’t a lot of people at the play party right off – and no one was actually playing.  Sir and i kept wandering from room to room, but nothing much was going on anywhere. 
 
It was – um, it was almost kind of boring.   Occasionally, Sir actually said, “Ho hum.”  And i was almost afraid we’d  leave.  But instead –
 
– He decided we’d play!
 
So He got out the ropes, and i took off my clothes.  i was delighted, of course, and loved it.  The energy was different than last time – maybe more fun and a little less intense?  I don’t know – it would be hard to capture the difference exactly.  For sure, it wasn’t a better/worse kind of comparison, but it was – different.  Of course.
 
i loved it.  And i think i’m not giving it the attention it deserves, but there is more to tell after – that’s on my mind today.    
 
After – after i was dressed again, and still glowing and buzzed, after the ropes were put away – Sir said, “Do you mind if I suspend someone else?” 
 
i could feel Him wanting to.
 
So of course i said, “No, go ahead.”  
 
Even though just last month the very idea left me feeling devestated.   But i was ok with it –
 
– at first.  And then –
 
as i watched Him getting rope back out, and –
 
– the woman we know from another part of the state and her Dom came over to Sir and – she is absolutely beautiful, and has an amazing hourglass figure and she took off her clothes and was stretching –
 
                                                 – then –
 
– i felt old and sad and lonely.  There were tears in my eyes, and i didn’t want anyone to know, so i went upstairs.  i could still watch if i wanted to, from the balcony, and i did for a while.  But i felt –
        
                         – you know.   Sad and lonesome and not good enough.  And i was NOT going to cry.
 
So i sit on the stairs for a while, where no one can see me unless they happen to walk up them.  And i think.  And think.
 
Last month, at least three women sort of threw themselves at Sir and asked to be suspended.  And at least two men asked Him to suspend the women they were with.   He turned them all down that night – at least partly because He knew i couldn’t handle it. 
 
Do i expect Him to turn down everyone?   forever?
 
i sit and think.
 
He loves doing rope.  i know that.  And at least He’s suspending J, who i know and like, and who i think likes me – unlike some of the women from last month, who looked through me as if i weren’t there.  
 
i think –
 
              – Why am i being so jealous hearted?
 
My heart says:   “Because  –
 
– Because  i don’t want Him to feel connected to other women the way He connects with me – i want to be ‘the special one.’  i want what we have to be special.  i don’t want Him to feel that with other women.”   And for a moment, it feels like my heart is  breaking.
 
And then – sitting there in the almost dark – i realize –
 
                                                it’s ok –
 
        it can’t be the same with them.  Even if He felt the same (and i don’t think He does) but –
 
even if He did –
 
                             they don’t.  They don’t feel the way i do about Him.
 
And maybe i’m wrong.  You know, i don’t know them all, so maybe i’m wrong.  But i think that they want the thrill of being tied up and flying – and i get that.   For sure, i don’t blame them.  It is wonderful, and Sir has a gift for doing it.
 
But i want to be with Him.  Whether He’s tying me up and making me fly, or walking around the dungeon, occasionally saying, “Ho hum,” i want to be with Him.   i don’t even know if He knows that or not – but that’s what makes me different from “them.”  And i know it.
 
So i go back and watch.  It is kind of fun to watch Him, the beauty of it, even from the outside.  It’s still not easy, but i’m ok.
 
Then she is up – she’s flying – and happy, and loving it.  Sir gestures to her Dom to come closer – to get under her, to get under her on the blanket on the floor.   So they can play while she flies.
 
And Sir comes over to me, where i’m sitting, and pulls me up to Him.  He holds me close, and kisses me, and then i’m really ok.   Really ok, all the way through.
 
He has a gift, and some serious  skills, and He needs to share them.  i don’t know if it will always be comfortable for me, but He always needs to be who He is.
 
So i watch Him take J down – she is clearly having so much fun, and He is too, really.  When she’s down – He picks up a length of rope –
 
 
– and crosses the room to me – wraps the rope half way ’round my neck – circles it around my waist – and pulls me over with Him, under the suspension frame.   Standing in the middle of discarded pieces of rope, He kisses me thoroughly, taking my breath and leaving me smiling. 
 
Then He says,
 
                         with His most charming grin,
 
                                                       “Help me clean this mess up?”
 
i’m delighted to help Him coil the rope, and i learn the right way to do it –
 
               and all is well and right in my world.
 

Tags: , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →