With apologies to Fiona, who was hoping for fantasy…
i don’t know if this is even the right place to talk about this ~ sometimes i think i need a whole other blog not connected to me here ~ but here i am anyhow. My blog, i can talk about whatever i want.
i was raised Catholic, but not the kind of Catholic you probably think of when i say that.
Forget the 12 children families and obey the pope mentality. i was raised in the tradition of Dorothy Day, who worked for social justice, who said, “
“Life itself is a haphazard, untidy, messy affair,”
““I really only love God as much as I love the person I love the least.” and
“Our problems stem from our acceptance of this filthy, rotten system.”
In the tradition of Thomas Merton, who said,
“Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy. That is not our business and, in fact, it is nobody’s business. What we are asked to do is to love, and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy.”
Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself.” and
“Our idea of God tells us more about ourselves than about Him.”
So i was never a traditional Catholic. And the churches i went to weren’t traditional neighborhood Catholic churches, for the most part. There were periods of time that i didn’t go to church at all, and times that i was deeply involved in a particular church as a way to build and support my own spirituality.
i’ve followed my own path, and i don’t have any regrets.
About a year ago, i decided i couldn’t be Catholic anymore. Even though the church i attended was still the same radical little group committed to social justice, pro-choice and pro-marriage equality that they had always been, there was more and more pressure for us to conform to things that I believed were wrong. The things that the larger Catholic church was standing for were too far removed from my own beliefs. So i quit being Catholic.
Not just quit going to church – not a fallen-away Catholic. i am no longer Catholic. i consider myself excommunicated from the church – and i assure you, based on my beliefs and actions, the Catholic church would agree with me.
When i did that, my atheist friends {who are many} welcomed me to their ranks.
And at first, i felt like i might be atheist. i don’t exactly believe in the patriarchal god who lives in the sky and passes judgment on the mere mortals he created, and never have.
As i’ve grown into being able to articulate my belief, i think it is closer to the Buddhists, who don’t believe in God as separate from us. And i think i don’t understand enough of their teachings to claim their belief for mine.
But here’s part of what i believe:
God is within each of us, and around us. The God within us is the deepest part of our selves, that part that we are in touch with when we are very still and have shut out the distractions around us. The God around us is in nature, it is God the creator, the God of dance and poetry and music, harmony and disharmony, fertility and growth, the God of death.
So there i am, not quite pagan, not quite Christian.
As my old friend Burford says:
My approach to decision-making is to throw my questions out to “the universe” (is as good a way to put it as any), be patient, listen to the answer, figure out what I think is really the right path to pursue, and act on it. The replies I get have rarely led me wrong – and have faith in yourself and the answers you receive. The clear advantage to this approach is that all answers lie within you.”
And he adds:
I notice the things that are “right” for me to do seem to come easily.
i agree with this too. My sense is that when the God within me is connected with the God around me and the God within others, things flow beautifully. But i feel like i have temporarily lost my sense of connectedness with the universe, which i used to call God.
That’s ok ~ or it will be. But it is another “way” to be found.
Part of the work ahead of me is in connecting more of sexuality and the feminine to my images of God. i’ve just gotten a book called Vagina, which seems like it might be a good source for connecting spirituality and the feminine, although it got a horrible review in the NY times.
And ~ i come back to this ~ i have work to do that i’m not doing, and my expectations for things coming easily are not realistic right now Just for example, i have material for a book that i’m not doing anything with, although i could. i’m pretty sure a publisher is NOT going to call me and ask if i happen to have this material and would i like to publish it.
i have some other great ideas, but unless i really put some energy into doing something with them, they are not likely to succeed. And i’m a little lost as to where the energy needs to go.
And it’s ok that i’m a little lost. Really it is. It’s not the first time, probably won’t be the last.
Sometimes, the journey is the treasure.