Raven talked about the need for communication and emotional transparency in poly relationships.
There may be degrees of transparency, ranging from complete transparency in the case of his slave, Josh, to much more limited transparency between him and a woman who is submissive to him in very limited ways.
He says this transparency applies to the Master too. That the Master may withhold information to train, to create trust, or for some other specific reasons, but that it’s not ok to hide anything about the poly relationships.
He talked about Masters who wanted to avoid conflict, who didn’t want to deal with their slave being mad at them. He said, “If you’re in charge, you should never be afraid of your slave’s anger.”
If you’re the Master you don’t need to hide what you’re doing, whatever that may be.
His words fit nicely with the image of Master that i have ~ someone who knows where He stands and isn’t afraid to stand there. Who’s not afraid of feelings, not afraid of taking responsibility for his own actions. {Or hers, right?}
He and Josh went on to tell a story about their relationship that deeply touched me. In my words~
When they got together, Josh thought he was a masochist. He loved heavy pain play ~ loved “getting beat down.’ And Raven enjoyed giving him pain.
Then he realized ~ Raven realized ~ that when they played that way, Josh was “going away.” He was dissociating, and wasn’t really present for the experience.
That wasn’t ok with Raven. He stopped that kind of play immediately.
So Josh worked on some of his issues and learned to be present, only to discover that he’s NOT really a masochist, and that he didn’t really like heavy pain much at all.
Raven has started introducing pain again very slowly, with basic spanking. Josh says that’s kind of humiliating for him, since he once prided himself on being able to take so much. But it’s clearly a much healthier place to be.
For Raven, it was essential that his partner be present for the experience. For Josh, it’s been an opportunity to grow
Of course, it left Raven without a pain play partner. So together, he and Josh shopped for ~ and found ~ someone to fill that need.
And that takes me to the biggest point of all this.
How much does Josh have to love Raven to be able to help him find someone to give him what Josh is not capable of providing?
Immeasurable, right?
Sigh…
Raven says polyamory is about getting to the point that seeing your partner happy makes you happy. Josh talks about the difficulty of letting go of the idea that he could give Raven everything he needs or wants.
And i recognize the truth of that. i can feel the benefit of being able to let go of my own ego enough to let someone else provide what i can’t.
That doesn’t mean it’s for everyone.
And Raven is, I think, unusually good at doing this. He talks about the need to make sure each person in the relationship knows that they’re valued, knows what gifts they bring.
He seems to have helpied Josh through the emotional growth he needed to do to truly accept it, not to accept it with “a mumbling heart,” but with a joyful heart.
Listening to them, i could see it clearly.
i don’t think Sir X has any intention of us being poly, and i’m glad for that. But i will try to be open also. Some of the same principals apply to other relationships, right?
Raven’s message goes beyond poly, and is really about wanting the people we love to have their needs met, whatever that means for them.