Lil’s question: “Do you think that, on some level, women who end up in abusive relationships were really seeking D/s, but were not aware of it and the massive differences between the two?”
Warning : Triggers All Over the Place Here
i got in my first abusive relationship because he said i was beautiful and he said he loved me. i was 12. He was 20. He wanted to be with me all the time. He thought i was wonderful.
He made me feel so good. He paid attention to me all the time, called me, wrote me letters, and he wanted to be with me. i wanted to make him happy, to give him everything he wanted.
So i made him happy and that made me happy and he loved me and i loved him forever and ever, happily ever after ~~
~~~ until ~~~
he wasn’t happy.
And then it was my fault because i didn’t ~ didn’t whatever ~ didn’t get there on time, didn’t wear something he liked, didn’t want to have sex one more time right now ~ whatever. And he was mad and it was all my fault and i was sorry, sorry, sorry and ~
then ~
after he hit me, he was sorry,
and he almost cried, he didn’t mean to, i just made him mad, and he was really sorry, really, really sorry
and i stayed because there were lots of happy times and just a few that were not so happy.
And he loved me.
i stayed because i thought if i tried hard enough i could quit making him mad and do what he wanted and he’d know i really loved him and he wouldn’t hit me or rape me anymore. i loved him. And he loved me. He told me so. He didn’t want to hit me. i just made him so mad sometimes.
I stayed because he was sorry and he said he’d die ~ he’d kill himself ~ if i left.
i stayed because sometimes it was almost as good as it was at first, and he loved me, and he’d kill himself if i left and besides, there must be something wrong with me or i would have already left him a long time ago ’cause why would i stay with someone who hit me unless i wanted it? So there must be something wrong with me, and no one else would ever want me anyhow.
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Ha. Do you see how that worked?
It was my fault at first because i made him mad, and then it was my fault because i hadn’t already left. After that, there wasn’t any point in leaving, because clearly there was something wrong with me and i’d just end up in another relationship just like it because i must like it and i must deserve it because i hadn’t already left.
That really was how it worked, at least partly, when i was young and new.
i was with him off and on all through high school. Thank goodness for the “off” times, and thank goodness that eventually i realized what was happening and left.
i thought he was going to kill me, the last time i left, he used to follow me, in his car, when i went to catch the bus, and he showed me his gun once. If i hadn’t been so young and foolish, i would have gone back then, but i didn’t. By then i knew ~ and that’s a story for another day ~ i knew that i was not to blame.
i knew that he was the kind of person who would hit anyone when he got mad. It wasn’t just me.
And i was 16. We didn’t have kids, i wasn’t financially dependent on him. i don’t know what it would have been like if we’d been married, had kids, or even if i’d been old enough and wise enough to know
he really might have killed me.
but ~~~
~~~ he didn’t. And that was good.
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Whew. i had no idea that was lingering in me, but there it is. That’s some of why women stay in abusive relationships.
There are other reasons, i think, but that’s enough for today. Enough for me, and probably enough for you.
It feels good to be able to remember it, to pull it out and look at it, be able to feel it, and then put it back away. But it’s not an easy journey, and i think i’m going to go do something nice for myself.
You might should too.