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Fantasies of Rape and More

29 Nov

After my post yesterday, i got a comment from ‘Nilla that included this:

do you (and I say this knowing that you’ve had past trauma, so I’m just being flat-out nosey here, and hoping this isn’t a trigger of any kind)…have rape fantasies? That’s the one thing I keep coming back to as that “fantasy that I wish would just go away” and doesn’t. I dunno…maybe i”m weird…but the thing that gets me hot and stewy is the idea of being taken, used…not so much in a violent, knock ya down and fuck, but “this is what I’m gonna do…gonna get you all turned on against your will..t.hen fuck your brains out” kind of way.

That would be a kind of amended rape fantasy, right?

My friend, Jade, from The Chrysanthemum and The Sword came back with this in her comment:

@Nilla….i’m sure Aisha will point this out as well….but rape fantasy is incredibly normal. It makes sense that we would want to have a situation that allows for us to have the intensity of such an experience removed from the guilt our culture/religion tries to dump on us for not being “good/pure enough.” If it helps, i will share that i have been raped a few times in life mostly as a child, and occasionally have a fantasy that on the face of it is a rape fantasy. Real rape is, obviously, not what this is about. But who among us doesn’t crave full loss of control, at least at times? i liken it to the way that it is common for gays/lesbians to have sexual fantasies about straight sex and vice versa. It does not mean you really want that.

Jade’s right, of course.  Well said.

What i’ve read and heard suggests that rape fantasies allow us to enjoy sex without guilt.  To throw our inhibitions aside and really let go.  To give up control.

And if your rape fantasy includes the idea that he will “get you all turned on against your will..then fuck your brains out” ~ well, that makes me think of Clark Gable sweeping Scarlet up the stairs ~ one of the most romantic scenes i know.   i always imagined ~ once i was old enough to imagine what was happening upstairs ~ that it was very like the fantasy you describe.

i promise you, being raped is not like that.

People do sometimes get turned on when they’re being raped though.   Their bodies may begin to respond.  Some people take this to mean they “enjoyed it” in the sense of wanting it to happen.

This can be very confusing for the person who’s been raped.  They may think that they are complicit in the rape because their bodies responded.

i recently heard a story of the way one therapist addressed this with a woman she was working with, who had been raped as a young girl.  

The therapist brought an onion to the session.  Without any explanation, she asked the client to help her peel it.   The client thought it was a little odd, but of course she agreed.

As they peeled the onion, tears began to run down their cheeks.

“Look at us,” says the therapist, “Sitting here crying.  Why are we crying?  Do we want to cry?”

“No,” says the client.

“Does it mean we’re sad?” asks the therapist.

“No, of course not,” says the client.  “Oh, wait I get it!!”

“Yes,” says the therapist.  “Sometimes our bodies just respond and it doesn’t have anything to do with what we want or how we feel.”

The other thing about fantasy is that ~ it’s fantasy.  In a fantasy, who’s in control?  Not inside the fantasy, i mean, who’s directing the fantasy?

i am!  For sure.  If it takes a turn i really don’t like, i can go back and erase it.  Um, delete it.  i can redo it.

In many ways, the same thing is true with kink.  Because it’s consensual, the submissive or slave actually has the ultimate control.

Yes, we give up control.  The key word there is “give up.”  In order to give something up, you have to have it in the first place.

And really, that control can always be taken back.  If you’re truly in a BDSM situation, and not an abusive situation disguised as BDSM, then you always have the option of walking away, and often you have the option of negotiating changes.

So in a way, BDSM allows us to explore our fantasies.  Safely.  Rape fantasies, spanking fantasies, whatever fantasies may lurk in the corners of our mind.

But as Jade pointed out, just because we have a particular fantasy, doesn’t necessarily mean we want it to come true.  Story of O turned me on immensely, and gave me great fodder for fantasy, but i really did not want to live my whole life like that.

Um.

At least i don’t want the part where she has to wear the ring and go with anyone who’s also wearing the ring.   And i’ll take a pass on the getting branded scene.  Although it’s a hot scene…

Anyhow, i think that my own fantasies tell me something about myself.  My Dash of Fantasy with Naomi ~ i think it means more to me than just the sexual/kinky parts of it.  But i don’t know what yet…

Speaking of which, i guess i’d better get back to writing that or i won’t have a new Naomi post for tomorrow…

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The Last Liebster Questions

28 Nov

Ancilla, from Slave to Master, gave me the Liebster Award.  Thank you, Ancilla!!  

i think of Ancilla as one the new generation of bloggers ~ she started blogging in August. She’s been married since 1993, but they just recently added kink to the relationship, which  fascinates me.  You can visit her blog here, 

Here are her questions:

1. When did you realize were “kinky”, if ever?  Well, the tendencies were there quite young, but i didn’t have a name for it that i could accept til about  8 or so years ago.

2. What is your favorite fantasy?  Um, see A Dash of Fantasy. At least, that’s my favorite for the moment.

3. What is the fantasy that you wish would get out of your head, but keeps coming back, if there is one?  i don’t think there is one.  i used to wish all my kinky fantasies would go away, but that was a long time ago.

4. Where do feel most at home?  Not to sound corny, but at home.  i’ve lived in the same house for a long time, and just in the last few years have made it reflect my self and grown to love it.  With Sir living here now, it’s really my perfect home.

5. What do you most want from the person you are with, whether that is a partner/Dom/sub/slave/Master?  To be seen ~ truly seen as i am ~ and loved.

6. Why do you write a blog?  i started out writing it because i discovered it was fun to write about the kinky things i was doing, then i discovered that it was helpful for me to write about what i was thinking and feeling.  Then i discovered the blogging community and the circle of support i have here.  It’s still all of those things ~ fun, helpful, and a community.  If it ever quits being that, i guess i’ll quit blogging.

7. What is your favorite TV show?  Um, L.A. Law?  i used to love that show.   It ran from 1986- 1994, and i quit watching TV in ’95, when we moved to this house.  i haven’t watched ~ except occasionally ~ since then.  

8. Favorite dessert?  O, ice cream.  Chocolate, chocolate chunk.  In a waffle cone.

9. Favorite time of day?  Early morning.  Even when i was a little kid, i’d get up long before anyone else, before dawn, and enjoyed it.  When my kids were little, it was my time to breathe.  And i made it through graduate school by doing a bunch of studying before anyone else was up.

10. Do you believe in God/ are you a spiritual person?   i don’t believe in the traditional, patriarchal image of God.  i’ve recently realized that i’m not Catholic any more, but  i am very spiritual.  i’m “seeking” these days to define and explore what i do believe.

That could be a whole blog post by itself.  Enough to say that i believe that “God is Love” is a good starting place. 

11. What is your favorite sexual position?  Missionary style ~ Him on top, but with my knees raised.  Simple but effective.

Great questions, Ancilla, and thanks again for the award!

While i’m blogging this morning anyhow, there’s something on my mind.  It’s one of those “do i really want to put this on the blog?” kind of things, and i debated it with myself for a bit.

i don’t know sometimes if my reticence is a sign that i shouldn’t talk about something, that it’s really too private, or if it means i need to look at my feelings around whatever-it-is.

But yeah, i’m gonna talk about it.  Here i go.

i have been thinking for a while that i wanted to be more connected to Sir in a kink way.  We are very connected in many ways, and. i wasn’t trying to solve a problem, just looking for ways to build what we have.

So i thought, hmmmm,  maybe i need to spend some time every day ~ a few moments, an hour, whatever ~ paying attention to His cock.

Or maybe not.

The idea would come back, and i’d push it away.   i’d think, no, that needs to be His idea.  i’d think, no, i don’t wanted to commit to that.   

You know, i have issues around this kind of “you have to” commitment.   Really, if it had been His idea, it might have freaked me out.

So i kept circling around it.  

Remember that book someone wrote recommending couples commit to having sex {with each other} every day for 30 days?   That seems contrived and the idea of having to have sex on a day i don’t want to kind of makes me sick at my stomach.

{Laughing…} i said i had issues, didn’t i?   Don’t ask me why that’s different from being always accessible to Sir.  i don’t know exactly, it just is.

Anyhow.  Despite that, the idea of adding a component of cock worship to my usual routine of sitting at His feet, and making sure we did it daily, kept coming back to me.

Monday, i approached Him with the idea.  A little worried.  You know, what if, what if, what if….

i wasn’t afraid He’d think i was topping from the bottom, i can tell him anything, suggest anything, if He doesn’t want it, He’ll say no.  

This kind of suggestion would have to come from me, it’s not the kind of thing He’s likely to think of.  He doesn’t spend time reading blogs, He’s more likely to be thinking about tethers and paddles and hands-on implements of kink.  So if it was going to happen, it had to come from me.

Once i’d really decided, it was surprisingly easy to do.

And um, maybe not surprisingly, He thought it was a lovely idea.   He was not against it at all.   {laughing…}

So we started last night, we’re going to try every day for 30 days and see what happens.  It doesn’t have to be a full-out, goal oriented thing, if you know what i mean, but at least some time spent in cock-worship.

And we’ll see how it goes…

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Yes or No

25 Oct

i saw this on Sin’s blog, and Faerie’s, and PK’s, and figure i’ll see it again a bunch more, but it looked like fun.

There are only two rules: You must answer yes or no. You may not explain unless someone asks. 

So here goes…

Only two rules: You must answer yes or no. You may not explain unless someone asks.

Taken a picture naked? Yes

Made money illegally? No

Had a one night stand? Yes

Been in a fist fight? No

Slept with your best friend? Yes

Had sex in a public place? No

Ditched work to have sex? Yes

Slept with a member of the same sex? No

Seen someone die? Yes

Ran from the police? Yes

Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? No

Worn your partners unmentionables? Yes

Fallen asleep at work? Yes

Used toys in the bedroom? Yes

Ran a red light? Yes

Been fired? No

Been in a car accident? Yes

Pole danced or done a striptease? Yes

Loved someone you shouldn’t? No

Sang karaoke? No

Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Yes

Laughed so hard you peed your pants? Yes

Caught someone having sex? No

Kissed a perfect stranger? No

Shaved your partner? No

Given your private parts a nickname? No

Ever gone in public without underwear? Yes

Had sex on a roof top? No

Played chicken? No

Mooned/flashed someone? No

Do you sleep naked? Yes

Blacked out from drinking? No

Felt like killing someone? Yes

Had sex more than 5 times in one day? No

Been with someone because they were in a band? No

Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day? No

Shot a gun? Yes

Gone outside naked? Yes

Ok.  That’s it.  Easy.  Kind of fun.  Probably no surprises there, but if you’ve got questions, feel free to ask.

 i’m doing a “first” this weekend, maybe.  

“What kind of first?” you ask.

Going to a football game.  No, i’ve never been to one before.  No, not ever, not even when i was in high school.  It’s Sir’s “homecoming” game {high school, it’s all about high school in Where-i-Live} and we might take his grandkids.  Hope for warm weather for me, ok?

In other interesting news, i got a spam comment today from Panama Offshore Corporation in which Blaine and Finn are apparently fucking Kirk.   It says, in part,

“…{Blaine and Finn} both moaned from the amazing feeling of being squeezed inside Kurt’s ass as well as the friction between each other’s cocks. Kurt impatiently wiped the tears out of his eyes, bucking his hips to encourage the boys to move faster. It still hurt like hell, but it was a good kind of pain, a pain that made him want to come even more.”

If i’m reading that right,  Blaine and Finn both have their cocks in Kirk’s asshole at the same time.  i’m pretty sure that’s not possible.  

Um, is it?

And really, how is spam generated? Does someone write this stuff???

Yesterday, i was tired when i got home.  After dinner, i had to look up a bill on-line and ran into a bunch of issues with passwords, and that always makes me uncomfortable.

It was getting close to bedtime, and i was tired and cranky.  i finally gave up ~ i needed a real person to talk to and the office was closed ~ and thought i was ready to go to sleep when Sir said, “I’ve laid something out on the bed for you to slip into when you’re ready.”

As you can imagine, i was ready right then.  Or at least i knew that i wanted to be ready.  i headed for the bedroom to see what he’d laid out.

Of course, it was His white dress-shirt.

For just a second, i felt tired and unenthusiastic.  But just for a second.  i imagine how much better i’ll feel after ~ well, after whatever He has in mind ~ and i start stripping off clothes.

But the rest will have to wait for another time.  i’m off to the last exciting day of the workshop i’ve been doing…   

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Part V ~ Questions for Dominants

12 Oct

What is the quality you find hardest to deal with in a submissive, on a personal level?

Sir laughs a little bit at this one and says, “Well, you have to keep in mind, I consider challenges fun.”

But i promise you, He doesn’t mean challenges like the brattiness that Ms. Constance talks about in this terrific post.    i don’t think He’d put up with that kind of “brattiness” any more than she would.  

And if you know me, you know i’m not likely to be bratty.  Lots of other things that are difficult, maybe, but not particularly bratty.   So that’s not the kind of challenge Sir means.

He goes on to say, “Sometimes, your lack of self-confidence, keeping you in tune with your power, can be difficult.”  

And while i’m processing that, He goes on, as if He had not just laid  His finger on some tender part of my soul.

“Whiny-ness would be a problem, that’s not a problem with you, but that would be a problem for me if you were.  Of course, if you are whiny, refocusing your attention on an ass whipping takes care of it, so that’s not so hard to deal with.  It might be different with someone else, but you accept kink very readily – and our sensibilities parallel each others.” 

i listen, and take notes as He’s talking, but part of me is still back there with the thing He said about my lack of self-confidence and keeping me in tune with my power.   

That undoes me.  That’s the thing that makes me want to sit at His feet and take off His shoes, carefully and with love.

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Questions for Dominants {Part II}

8 Oct

What’s the best thing about being dominant, outside of play?

“Self-confidence.”  Sir says that ‘s the best thing.  

It could even be the quality a dominant  most needs to posses.  i can’t imagine a dominant without it.

“Confidence in oneself and one’s abilities.”  

That’s the definition, and really, i can hardly think of anything worse than someone trying to dominate me who’s not sure of what he or she is doing.   i guess lack of it could be the most detrimental thing for a dominant.

That doesn’t mean they have to be skilled at everything.  They could be in the middle of learning something and practice on me.  That wouldn’t undermine the dynamic.

But they would need to have the self-onfidence to say they were practicing.  If they pretended to be an expert, and weren’t, that would be a real problem for me.

And they need confidence in their ability to master the skill.  As they practice, i want to feel comfortable and safe.

So they need a certain amount of skill to back up whatever they’re trying.   Over confidence in  rope suspension, or knife play, could really damage me.

{You see how these questions are going, right?  Sir gives a simple, direct answer, and i wander around with it….}

Are there parts of a submissive or slave’s life that you feel a dominant shouldn’t exert influence over?

Sir said, “Yes. Personal career growth.”  i was nodding agreement, and He thought a minute before He added, “Family – relationships with grown children who aren’t my children.”

i was nodding on that one too.  Those may not be the best answers for everyone, but they are for me.

There was a Dom i knew once, we were just talking on-line, but he used to talk about how he was going to have me wear a butt-plug at work.  Or one of those remote control vibrators, and when he’d text me, i’d have to turn it on no matter what i was doing.

i’m sure that would work well for some people.  However.  In my work, i need to be mentally and emotionally present for the client i’m seeing.  If someone is telling me details of their life story, it would not be ok for me to be distracted by a butt plug.  It just wouldn’t.

Beyond that, no one else could tell me what career path to follow.  They just couldn’t.  Finding my way through that is part of my own spiritual journey.

So i’m nodding agreement.  Sir thinks for a minute and goes on to say, “We may have some interaction around those things, i may give advice or guidance, but not control. If I suggest something in those area, i expect you to listen, but you may or may not do what I’m suggesting.”

We talk about that a little bit, different circumstances i’ve been in and how his  advice or thoughts on it have been helpful to me.  He really listens to me, and offers suggestion in an indirect way.  He tells stories, or shares His own experience, and that works well for me.  i’m eager to learn what He offers, even i decide it doesn’t apply to my situation.

Finally, He says, “If something relates to me directly, or to the house, I’m comfortable telling you what I want.  And I’m confident you’ll do it.  I like to give you freedom within a task –  you don’t need to be micro-managed.”

He adds, “I’m confident you can do it well, and if you can’t, ~ well, you know, you’ll pay with your ass, right?”   He laughs, and i do too, but really?

That’s really right, isn’t it?  i don’t have to worry so much about whether i’ve done it exactly right or not.  If i haven’t, i’ll pay with my ass.  

And if i do, if i do the task perfectly?    i’ll still pay with my ass.  “There’s no logic here,” He says.  “Either way, you pay with your ass.”

And that works just fine for both of us.

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Sin Asked

2 Apr

Sin wants to know what my favorite BDSM concept and activity are.  Always glad to answer questions…

My favorite BDSM activity is spanking.  Well, being spanked.  i knew i wanted spanking when i was real young.  It’s reliable.  It always makes me wet.  You don’t even have to do it, just talking about it makes me wet.  

Spanking is the meat-and-potatoes of my kink.  Or, well, given a vegetarian bent, it would have to be the vegetable soup and salad of my kink.  {No, it doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?}

Nipple play ~ nipple torture ~ whatever you want to call it, is a close second.  Real close.  Hmmmm.  Is it ~ could it be? No.  Never mind.

Spanking is Number One.

i like the feel of His hand on my ass, the snap of a belt being pulled out of the loops, the whistle of the cane…  o, yes.

i could go on about that for a long time.  Actually, i think i have before.  {smiling}

i can feel his hand coming down on her - my? - ass...

But ok, yes, putting that aside…

BDSM concept.  What is my favorite BDSM concept?

There are so many i like.  Power.  Control. Obedience.

i love obedience.  The idea of doing as i’m told.  Of minding Him.  i love being told what to do.   {That would be a surprise to some people.  But it true, at least in a D/s relationship.}

But that’s not it.  Not my favorite.

i think my favorite concept is service.

And maybe i’m not even sure yet what that means.  

The stupid on-line dictionary says:

“an act of helpful activity; help; aid: to do someone a service,” which is such a horrible definition ~ an act of activity?  Whoever wrote that should be punished immediately.

So i went to my real dictionary, the one my mama gave me when i graduated from high school.  It said:

“Performance of labor for the benefit of another, or at another’s command.”  Much better.

But still ~  i’m not sure that “cock worship” is quite covered in that definition, although theoretically i suppose it is.

So, what i think is that my life is supposed to be about service, and BDSM lets that encompass all kinds of things.  Lots of times people mean domestic service, and you know that’s not really my strong suit.  Fortunately, i don’t think that’s what my Sir wants from me either.

Although ~ physical kinds of service, massages, preparing meals, fixing His coffee, and such are included actually.   But ~

Darn it, Sin, i didn’t know this was going to be a tough question!  i’ve got all kinds of ideas and feelings floating around in my head and can’t explain them.

Ok.  Fine.  i’ll have to come back to it if i’m gonna explain better.  Can’t do it this morning.

Laughing…  and i’m really annoyed with myself for not being able to describe it!  But here ~

There’s a video on Youtube that shows a woman practicing her slave positions.  Sir showed it to me the other night, He wants me to let Him know which of those my old body is capable of doing.  laughing… No, He didn’t say it that way, but that is the question.

Here it is:


At  the 38 second mark, she  lifts her arms, palms up, as if offering. i think maybe she’s just offering her wrists to be chained, but it’s still the gesture that i feel when i think about service.

Thanks for asking, Sin.  Is that answer enough, or do you want more?

P.S.  i love all of your responses to the quiz yesterday ~ will go answer them all, but just want to say ~ the correct answer was #2!  i had, indeed, been used and abused in the best possible way, and then slept in practically forever.  

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A 10 on the Happiness Scale

21 Mar

Jade wanted to know what the happiest day of my life has been… and i’ve been pondering it ever since she asked.  Well, you know, not all the time, but from time to time.

i can think of lots of joyous occasions ~ graduations, weddings, my daughter’s birth day, homecomings and reuniting, the day we got custody of my stepdaughter, fabulous sex,… i don’t know how i’d pick one as the happiest.  If i think of happiness on the 1-10 scale, with 1 being not happy at all, and 10 being the happiest i could possibly be {yes, i really think like that} then those were all 10’s.  Or 9.9’s anyhow.  

And sometimes, i just look around my life ~ driving down the road, sitting at my computer, standing in the kitchen ~ and just feel happy.  i might be alone, or with family, or with Sir, but it’s an overwhelming feeling of happiness.  And that’s a 10 too.

Having to be at work at 7 a.m. does not make me so happy.  But it is what it is… each day brings its own pleasure and pain.  Who knows ~ this one could turn out to be the very happiest one!

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Without Saying It…

18 Mar

When He’s tired, i like to massage His feet.

i like being on the floor, at His feet.  Taking my time to carefully untie His shoes, pull them off with some grace,  Socks ~ sliding a finger under the edge and gently slipping them off.

And then ~

~ Stroke gently, rub more firmly, knead and massage ~ and gently caress…

He says He can feel the tension leaving His body when i do that.   Making love to His feet, really.  My hands say, “You matter to me.  i want you to feel good, to feel treasured.”

As i begin to work my hands up his legs, i pause.  “Would you like to go lie down, Sir?  That way i can massage your back too.”

He agrees, it is almost a moan as He says, “O, yes, that’s a good idea,” and we move to the bedroom.  i long to touch Him all over.

i may never say the words “i love you,” to this man, my Sir.  But i will show Him with my hands.

Later, when He is more relaxed, and i have climbed into bed, naked beside Him, His hands caress me, opening, probing… making me moan.  Pinching my nipples til i whimper.

Filling me ~ my hot wetness ~ taking me deep ~  climbing to that over-the-top, shuddering release ~

~ and lying behind me, spooning me, holding me warm and safe.

He may never say the words either…

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On a  whole different note ~ saw this on Facebook:

Isn’t that great?
 
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‘Nilla asked:   If you could eat one thing, totally guilt-free…and with no consequences, what would it be?
 
 
Bread.  
 
 
i’m not sure which kind.  Maybe boule.  Maybe ciabatta.  Maybe some garlic bread ~ sweet Italian bread ~ or baguettes ~ or any of those wonderful treats.  Hot, fresh from the oven, with something to dip it in.  Or with a glass of wine, and some cheese, and fruit.   Or with a big plate of pasta…
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Yep.  Bread.
 
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And Jade wants to know:
 
When is the last time you were surprised (in a good way)?
 
i guess the most recent time was when my boss told me she was giving me a bonus.  That was completely unexpected, a little bit of “found money” and even more exciting, a real sign of approval.  It was pretty cool.
 
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Upcoming events:  i think i’m going to the Special Interest Group discussion today!  It’s been so long since i’ve been to anything kinky, i’m really excited.  So i may have a story to tell tomorrow, who knows?
 
 

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Q & A

16 Mar

Jade wants to know:

Do you think your Sir will make a good grandparent? do you want that?

Sir is already a grandfather, and of course He’s wonderful.  His grandkids are wild about Him.  He’s not a Disney-Grandpa, He’s the kind who spends more time with them than money.

i think Jade really wanted to know if i envision Him as a good grandfather for my own coming soon grand-baby.  Yeah, i’m sure He would be ~ i haven’t thought much about it, maybe because the baby’s not quite real to me yet.  But i’m sure Sir will be a lovely grandfather figure for the Little One.

i think Sir sees children as people, and relates to them as individuals.  He has reasonably high expectations for his grandkids and i think they try to live up to them because they want to please Him.  Go figure.  🙂

He’s not a yeller, and didn’t typically spank his own kids.  He is a warm, solid presence.  So yeah, i think He’ll be great with my grand-baby too.  You know, if my grand-baby weren’t moving to Really Far Away after he or she is born.

Heather asks:

What is your favorite thing to cook from scratch? No boxes involved.

Hmmmmm.  i don’t cook a whole lot anymore ~ not out of boxes or from scratch, really.  Lots of salad, lots of store-bought sushi or deli-cooked vegetables.  But i have a few specialty item i can whip up when the occasion calls for it.

i make really good broiled asparagus, with a little olive and garlic, topped with lemon and parmesan cheese after broiling.  (That’s bRoil not boil…}

My let-me-impress-you meal has historically been angel hair pasta in olive oil with sautéed shrimp and mushrooms, maybe some capers and cherry tomatoes thrown in too.  Topped with fresh ground parmesan cheese.  It looks pretty fancy, add a little salad and some garlic bread and people have been impressed.  And it is super, super easy.  

However.  Sir doesn’t eat shrimp unless it’s fried.  So that didn’t work for Him, and we’re all low carb these days anyhow so pasta doesn’t happen much.

When my kids were younger, my favorite meal was Stony Stew.  It’s a simple recipe that the girls’ father and i developed way back in the day before our daughter was born,  just stew meat and a little onion, mushrooms, little red potatoes, a little celery and then some stewed tomatoes.  I’d fix it so the sauce would thicken up and i’d make cornbread to go with it.  It was really good.

But yes, my original recipe was to brown the meat, saute veggies and assemble all the ingredients in the pot, bring to a boil.  “Then you turn the stove down a little bit.  Roll a joint, and smoke it.   By the time you have the munchies really bad, the stew will be ready.”

Hence the name ~ Stony Stew.  But that was all long ago and far away.

And you know, i didn’t inhale….

i love this Q & A thing!  Thanks for asking!  i’ll do some more of yours tomorrow, Jade.

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Q & A: Why Do We?

9 Mar

Lil’s question:  “Do you think that, on some level, women who end up in abusive relationships were really seeking D/s, but were not aware of it and the massive differences between the two?”

Warning :  Triggers All Over the Place Here

i got in my first abusive relationship because he said i was beautiful and he said he loved me.  i was 12.  He was 20.  He wanted to be with me all the time.  He thought i was wonderful.

He made me feel so good.  He paid attention to me all the time, called me, wrote me letters, and he wanted to be with me.  i wanted to make him happy, to give him everything he wanted.

So i made him happy and that made me happy and he loved me and i loved him forever and ever, happily ever after ~~ 

~~~  until  ~~~

he wasn’t happy.

And then it was my fault because i didn’t ~ didn’t whatever ~ didn’t get there on time, didn’t wear something he liked, didn’t want to have sex one more time right now ~ whatever.  And he was mad and it was all my fault and i was sorry, sorry, sorry and ~

then ~

after he hit me, he was sorry,

and he almost cried, he didn’t mean to, i just made him mad, and he was really sorry, really, really sorry

and i stayed because there were lots of happy times and just a few that were not so happy.  

And he loved me.

i stayed because i thought if i tried hard enough i could quit making him mad and do what he wanted and he’d know i really loved him and he wouldn’t hit me or rape me anymore.   i loved him.  And he loved me.  He told me so.  He didn’t want to hit me.  i just made him so mad sometimes.

I stayed because he was sorry and he said he’d die  ~ he’d kill himself ~ if i left.

i stayed because sometimes it was almost as good as it was at first, and he loved me, and he’d kill himself if i left and besides, there must be something wrong with me or i would have already left him a long time ago ’cause why would i stay with someone who hit me unless i wanted it?   So there must be something wrong with me, and no one else would ever want me anyhow.

******************************

Ha.  Do you see how that worked?  

It was my fault at first because i made him mad, and then it was my fault because i hadn’t already left.  After that, there wasn’t any point in leaving, because clearly there was something wrong with me and i’d just end up in another relationship just like it because i must like it and i must deserve it because i hadn’t already left.

That really was how it worked, at least partly, when i was young and new.  

i was with him off and on all through high school.  Thank goodness for the “off” times, and thank goodness that eventually i realized what was happening and left.

i thought he was going to kill me, the last time i left, he used to follow me, in his car, when i went to catch the bus, and he showed me his gun once.  If i hadn’t been so young and foolish, i would have gone back then, but i didn’t.  By then i knew ~ and that’s a story for another day ~ i knew that i was not to blame.

i knew that he was the kind of person who would hit anyone when he got mad.  It wasn’t just me.

And i was 16.  We didn’t have kids, i wasn’t financially dependent on him.   i don’t know what it would have been like if we’d been married, had kids, or even if i’d been old enough and wise enough to know

he really might have killed me.

but ~~~

~~~ he didn’t.  And that was good.

********************************************

 Whew.  i had no idea that was lingering in me, but there it is.  That’s some of why women stay in abusive relationships.

There are other reasons, i think, but that’s enough for today.  Enough for me, and probably enough for you.

It feels good to be able to remember it, to pull it out and look at it, be able to feel it, and then put it back away.  But it’s not an easy journey, and i think i’m going to go do something nice for myself.

You might should too.

 

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