My favorite part of the Sunday afternoon discussion this time was when the Dominants and switches came back together. We report back on the discussion we’ve had, and this is a chance to find out what the Dominants think about the topic.
Submissives may think that “saying no,” or “not pleasing my Sir” is the hardest part of negotiation. Some Doms think that not being given an honest answer and being sure they know how we really feel is the hardest part. One of the Doms was saying that he really wants to know if his submissive doesn’t like something or doesn’t want to do something. That feedback is super important to him.
i appreciated his perspective, and shared the story of the time i didn’t tell Sir how i react to violent movies, and how poorly that worked out for me. Ms. Constance wanted to know if i thought that was something worthy of punishment, and i said, “Of course!” because really, i think it was. Of course, watching that awful, awful movie was punishment itself.
But anyhow.
Some other people said some things, mostly about how important it is for Doms to know how we really feel. For us to say what we really want.
It was nice. i was starting to feel warm and fuzzy, like negotiations are designed to make sure i’m having a good time. To make sure i really want to do the things He asks of me.
But it was an odd moment. There were some other feelings there, i’m not sure what they were.
Then Ms. Constance busted that whole “make sure the submissive feels good” delusion pretty quickly ~ and i’m so glad she did.
Ms. Constance doesn’t really care if Drew feels like getting out of bed, turning up the heat, and fixing her tea. That’s what he agreed to do and really, he just needs to do it.
As she talked, i felt a sense of relief.
Her perspective is the mirror image of my own.
My submission isn’t about finding the right kinky scene to satisfy my submissive self. Kinky scenes, ropes and bondage, nipple clamps and spanking are great. But they’re not what my submission is about.
i want to please Him.
And, as Ms. Constance says, if i don’t ever have to do things that i don’t much want to do, then what’s the point? Ok, not things that would be harmful, not things that violate my hard limits. But if there’s something that pleases my Sir, it’s ok for me to do it even if i don’t much feel like it right that minute.
Isn’t that the point of being a slave? To please Him, to provide what He wants? Even if it’s hard.
Especially if it’s hard.
And that’s where the real dance of negotiation comes in, for me. If i promise more than i can deliver, i will disappoint us both.
i wanted to watch the god-awful violent movie from hell with Sir. i’m not able to do that without freaking out. i wanted to. i thought i could. i really couldn’t.
My first husband worked second shift for a while. i used to go to bed with the kids, then get up when he came home to spend some time with him, then go back to bed and sleep a few more hours til I had to get up and go to work myself.
That wasn’t something he asked of me, but he had talked about missing spending time with me, and i wanted to spend time with him too.
i did it for a while, but eventually all the broken sleep was just too hard. i couldn’t maintain that schedule five nights a week.
If he had been a Dom, we could have negotiated around that ~ how many nights a week i could do it, or something like that. Of course, if he’d been a Dom, he might have recognized that this wasn’t a realistic sleep plan for anyone long term. He might have come up with a compromise plan before i failed in my effort.
So the negotiation is important. The things i agree to need to be things i’m able to do, and i’m not always the best judge of that.
The desire to give overwhelms me sometimes, and i know {thank goodness for blogs} that it does youall too, sometimes. It seems to me that the hard part for the Dom is figuring out how to help us contain that desire and channel it where they want it.
Does that make sense? What do you think?
