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Part V ~ Questions for Dominants

12 Oct

What is the quality you find hardest to deal with in a submissive, on a personal level?

Sir laughs a little bit at this one and says, “Well, you have to keep in mind, I consider challenges fun.”

But i promise you, He doesn’t mean challenges like the brattiness that Ms. Constance talks about in this terrific post.    i don’t think He’d put up with that kind of “brattiness” any more than she would.  

And if you know me, you know i’m not likely to be bratty.  Lots of other things that are difficult, maybe, but not particularly bratty.   So that’s not the kind of challenge Sir means.

He goes on to say, “Sometimes, your lack of self-confidence, keeping you in tune with your power, can be difficult.”  

And while i’m processing that, He goes on, as if He had not just laid  His finger on some tender part of my soul.

“Whiny-ness would be a problem, that’s not a problem with you, but that would be a problem for me if you were.  Of course, if you are whiny, refocusing your attention on an ass whipping takes care of it, so that’s not so hard to deal with.  It might be different with someone else, but you accept kink very readily – and our sensibilities parallel each others.” 

i listen, and take notes as He’s talking, but part of me is still back there with the thing He said about my lack of self-confidence and keeping me in tune with my power.   

That undoes me.  That’s the thing that makes me want to sit at His feet and take off His shoes, carefully and with love.

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Negotiation Discussion, Part II

23 May

My favorite part of the Sunday afternoon discussion this time was when the Dominants and switches came back together.  We report back on the discussion we’ve had, and this is a chance to find out what the Dominants think about the topic.

Submissives may think that “saying no,” or “not pleasing my Sir” is the hardest part of negotiation.  Some Doms think that not being given an honest answer and being sure they know how we really feel is the hardest part.  One of the Doms was saying that he really wants to know if his submissive doesn’t like something or doesn’t want to do something.  That feedback is super important to him.

i appreciated his perspective, and shared the story of the time i didn’t tell Sir how i react to violent movies, and how poorly that worked out for me.   Ms. Constance wanted to know if i thought that was something worthy of punishment, and i said, “Of course!” because really, i think it was.  Of course, watching that awful, awful movie was punishment itself.

But anyhow.

Some other people said some things, mostly about how important it is for Doms to know how we really feel.  For us to say what we really want.  

It was nice.  i was starting to feel warm and fuzzy, like negotiations are designed to make sure i’m having a good time.  To make sure i really want to do the things He asks of me.

But it was an odd moment.  There were some other feelings there, i’m not sure what they were.

Then Ms. Constance busted that whole “make sure the submissive feels good” delusion pretty quickly ~ and i’m so glad she did.

Ms. Constance doesn’t really care if Drew feels like getting out of bed, turning up the heat, and fixing her tea.  That’s what he agreed to do and really, he just needs to do it.

As she talked, i felt a sense of relief.  

Her perspective is the mirror image of my own.  

My submission isn’t about finding the right kinky scene to satisfy my submissive self.  Kinky scenes, ropes and bondage, nipple clamps and spanking are great.  But they’re not what my submission is about.

i want to please Him.

And, as Ms. Constance says, if i don’t ever have to do things that i don’t much want to do, then what’s the point?  Ok, not things that would be harmful, not things that violate my hard limits.   But if there’s something that pleases my Sir, it’s ok for me to do it even if i don’t much feel like it right that minute.

Isn’t that the point of being a slave?  To please Him, to provide what He wants?  Even if it’s hard.

Especially if it’s hard.

And that’s where the real dance of negotiation comes in, for me.  If i promise more than i can deliver, i will disappoint us both.

i wanted to watch the god-awful violent movie from hell with Sir.  i’m not able to do that without freaking out.  i wanted to.  i thought i could.  i really couldn’t.

My first husband worked second shift for a while.  i used to go to bed with the kids, then get up when he came home to spend some time with him, then go back to bed and sleep a few more hours til I had to get up and go to work myself. 

That wasn’t something he asked of me, but he had talked about missing spending time with me, and i wanted to spend time with him too.

i did it for a while, but eventually all the broken sleep was just too hard.  i couldn’t maintain that schedule five nights a week.

If he had been a Dom, we could have negotiated around that ~ how many nights a week i could do it, or something like that.  Of course, if he’d been a Dom, he might have recognized that this wasn’t a realistic sleep plan for anyone long term.  He might have come up with a compromise plan before i failed in my effort.

So the negotiation is important.  The things i agree to need to be things i’m able to do, and i’m not always the best judge of that.

The desire to give overwhelms me sometimes, and i know {thank goodness for blogs} that it does youall too, sometimes.   It seems to me that the hard part for the Dom is figuring out how to help us contain that desire and channel it where they want it.

Does that make sense?  What do you think?

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Lifted Up

19 Apr

Last night, i was feeling a little overwhelmed, a little out of sorts.  i hate, hate, hate feeling that way.  

Yes, i do think i am supposed to be able to handle everything smoothly all the time.

Yesterday was just a little series of minor blips: some car issues, an employee i confronted who burst into tears, some inter-staff conflict and tension that i can’t actually resolve, a shuttle driver who was confused, a client who didn’t get all the attention she deserved, just minor blips in the day.  My daughter’s fine, there were no family crisis.  i can afford my car repairs.  i didn’t have to fire anyone, didn’t get fired, didn’t have my car break down on the side of the road, didn’t ~~  didn’t all kinds of things.

There’s some other stuff too, but there always is, and none of it’s bad.  It’s just stuff i need to deal with, need to take care of.  

Omg ~ passport.  i need to get my passport.  i knew there was something i wasn’t thinking about.  Ok.  That’s back on the list.

But last night, i’m thinking that my being out of sorts, feeling a little overwhelmed, is just unnecessary.   i say to Sir, who’s been massaging my leg, “i don’t know why i feel this way.”

He says, “What?!  You just got through telling me about your day.  That’s a lot!  Not each thing by itself maybe, but together it’s a lot.  You don’t have to be Sigmund Freud to figure out why you feel a little overwhelmed.”

And that makes me laugh.

He says i think i have to be The Rock all the time.

He says i don’t have to.

That idea intrigues me, but i’m pretty sure i do have to.

Last night, we talk, Sir and i.  Talk and touch.  Lots of touch.  Then ~ 

kneeling at His feet, held firmly between His thighs, His hands in my hair ~ in that moment ~

 i am pretty sure someone else can be The Rock for a while.

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In the Morning

10 Apr

Blogging in the morning makes me hold still long enough to figure out what i feel.

Sometimes i struggle with it, the holding still.  i bounce around Facebook ~  google some quotes, looking for one to post ~ read some other blogs ~ check my bank account balance…  That just delays the moment.

This moment.

When i have to be still and listen to myself.  Feel my own awareness of myself.  Like a circle, like a dance, turning inward, in tune with me.

My submission is here, my heart, my center.

It spreads through me til my palms tingle.  Relaxed.  Alert.  Waiting.

i wish He were here.  i want to sit at His feet, maybe curl against His legs.  There is something about being at His feet that draws me.

i think He doesn’t understand how deep my submission runs.  i think He thinks it is all kink and fun-and-games.  Or i don’t think that ~ not for real ~ but for right now, i do.

i think He doesn’t understand.  The images in my head, the strength of the desire to be wrapped in Him.  i don’t think anyone can understand.

The intensity of expression ~ spankings, cock worship, obedience and rituals ~ those are ways to begin to manifest the feelings.  Move them from abstract to concrete.

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Yeah, i wanted to write more about that, only it’s not what’s really on my mind.  i screwed up yesterday ~ well, Sunday night really.

It wasn’t ~ i don’t think it was a huge, big deal, but it bothered Him.  i apologized .  He commented on the situation.  i apologized again.  He explained why it bothered Him.  i apologized again.

Do you see what’s missing here?

i’m looking for that “it’s ok,” moment of apology acceptance.

i don’t think He’s going to offer it.

i don’t think i want to ask for it.

Right now, i’m just waiting to see what happens.  i don’t think He’s mad at me.  i don’t think He hasn’t forgiven me.  But i’m curious to see if He’ll do an “it’s ok,” or not.

So that’s on my mind.

After all, better to think about that than thinking about doing my taxes.  {Laughing…}

BTW, when i google “at his feet,” and then go to images, i get mostly religious images.  There was this one:

but it’s billed as a “pre-middle aged gigolo in a tuxedo…” which is not what i’m looking for, and it doesn’t have the feel i want.

This one was interesting:

but still doesn’t have quite the right feeling.

These do though:

And isn’t that interesting?

 

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The Munch and More

8 Apr

Sir and i got together yesterday afternoon before the munch.  He’d said we were going to  do something mundane, but fun.  And it was.

We went shopping. 

We had never been shopping together ~ well, the grocery once, but that was a quick late night trip.

And ~

~ we went shopping for shoes.

Life doesn’t get any better than that, does it?

We found two pair  ~ white tennis shoes, and black dress shoes.  Both size 10 1/2 wide.

O, did i forget to say ~ it was shoe shopping for Him, not me…  {laughing…}

As He reminded me, it’s not always about me.

i was allowed, once He was finished, to wander through the women’s section once.  i didn’t actually spot any “have to have” shoes so that was good, and we proceeded to the search for a new shirt.  

Yes.  Also for Him.

It was fun actually, partly because He’s fun and partly because i’m wild about HIm.  i don’t remember the last time i went shopping with a man for His clothes.  Actually, i’m not sure i ever have.

Have i mentioned that i’m wild about Sir?

Anyhow, then we went home and got ready for the munch.

He seemed pleased with the little black dress i was wearing, so that was good.  And Ms. Constance commented on it, which made me smile.

We were greeted at the door by Mr. Michael ~ and Caile, wearing some adorable bunny ears.  Jacki was handing out candy ~ i took a bracelet.

i wore it all night ~ it looked great with my dress.

Laughing… anyhow, it was a delightful evening.  Drew was there, Ms. Constance’s slave, who is one of my favorite people in the whole world.  He has such a lovely Zen feel, and a wry sense of humor, which is an unusual combination.  But it was wonderful to see him, and Ms. Constance too, who i haven’t seen in forever.

Then Sir and i went home.  

i had been waiting to have “the conversation” until i was in a most submissive frame of mind.  That happened pretty quickly.

He slips a finger through my collar to pull me closer.  Fists His hand in my hair.  i am immediately in a different head space.

Even before He grasps my right nipple and pinches firmly.

But that  makes it much easier to explain the whole issue, and tell Him how i feel.  Well, except for it being a little difficult to find words, or to talk at all, but i manage.

And He listens, as He does so well.

And it doesn’t take Him a minute to make a decision.

“You should email me every day,” He says.  “At least once a day.  I’ll answer when I can, most of the time, but I want to hear from you every day.”

Which is really all i needed to hear.

Happy sigh.

And now here we are, at the kitchen table together, having slept til daylight once again.  This could become a Sunday habit.

Happy Easter and Happy Passover, and just general happiness to all of you!

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Holding

6 Apr

i didn’t get to see Him Wednesday.  We had planned to have dinner, but other obligations got in the way.

i miss Him.

Just one day off, and even though i know i’ll see Him Saturday, i miss Him.

His computer is not working well, so there is less response to my email too.  Well, no response actually, Monday or Tuesday.

That makes me miss Him more.  It makes me feel adrift.  Untethered.

i picture myself like a hot air balloon, at risk of just floating away.

i ask Him, in an email Wednesday morning, if He even wants me to email Him like i do ~ every morning and evening.  This is something i do, not something He’s told me to do.

So Wednesday night, i wake up in the middle of the night and look at my phone.  i do that these days, check my email and go back to sleep.  Don’t ask me why.

But on Wednesday, i’m glad i do.  There’s a message from Him.  Not real long or real kinky or real intense.  But He says a little about what He’s been doing and it’s warm and affirming and after i read it, i feel better.  

i feel connected again.

Tethered.  Held.  Secure.

i roll over and go back to sleep.  Happy.  Even though He has not answered my question.  

He does that sometimes.  It doesn’t mean He didn’t hear me.  He’s just not ready to answer.

That was Wednesday.  Last night, we text for a while, and all is well.

And this morning, i wake up thinking i want more control.  i want structure and rules. Rituals and protocol.

As i write that, i have a mental image of Faithful, commenting “You need to tell him you need rules and structure.”  i say that because i’ve said this before, and she’s said that before, and it feels like a well-traveled path.  But ~

~ if i tell Him i need rules, even if He gives me some, it will not feel right.

i do need to tell Him how i feel.  Yes.  i get that.  And i will.

But i can’t tell Him ~ i won’t tell Him ~ what He needs to do about how i feel.  For me, that defeats part of the purpose of the D/s dynamic.

What He does is up to Him.  

i’m responsible for telling Him how i feel.  He needs to decide what He wants to do.

Right?  

Right.

Sigh.  What if  ~ what if He doesn’t want to give me more structure or rules or anything at all ever?   What if He thinks i’m too much trouble?  What if ~ what if ~

~ laughing ~ what if i stop the panic now?   What if the rapture comes tomorrow and He gets taken?  i guess there’s no point in worrying about that either…

But i want to feel Him even when He isn’t here.  Feel His presence in my life.  Held, secure, fastened, tied…

And i need to tell Him that.

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Thank you for all the lovely congratulations yesterday ~ gotta be at work way too early today, will respond soon as i can… but thanks.  You made my day!

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Watching Porn

30 Mar

When He came over Wednesday night, He brought some porn with Him.  Short clips of different things.

After the caning, and after dinner, we watched some.  i don’t have negative feelings about watching porn, although i don’t like everything i see.  

i don’t like extremes.

Spanking clips are good.  A little bondage.  

There was one i liked except she had a ball gag in her mouth and the drool was disgusting.  Really.  i’ve never experienced a ball gag ~ surely it was exaggerated for the movie’s purpose?  i don’t know.  {Shudder…}  i mean, i know you drool when you’re gagged, but surely not like this.  Like you could have taken a bath in this.  It was gross.

Anyhow.

There was one i liked a lot, a kind of amateur one, that involved submission.  It was simple and almost sweet.  i could empathize with the woman and it seemed like something i’d like.  Just a cock worship scene with some gentle dominance.

But it was a little disconcerting, because while i was watching the porn, He was watching me.

So it would get to a good part, or a bad part, or a good bad part, and i’d turn to look at Him.   And He’d already be looking at me.

He said that was why He wanted to watch with me, it was so He could see my reactions, and try to gauge things i might like.  He said even watching me, it’s still hard to tell sometimes.

He says the expression on my face is very similar when i’m responding to something positively and when i’m having a strong negative reaction, that sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.

i thought that was interesting.

When we were tired of watching movie clips, we had our own little scene, which was pretty wonderful.  Then, when i was all stirred up and thinking my relief was in sight, He says,

“I don’t usually do this, but i’m going to leave you in a state of desire tonight.  And i don’t want you to do anything to relieve it, no cumming, tonight.”

i was shocked, because He’s never done that before.

Shocked and turned on.

{Sigh}

And delighted to obey my Sir’s wishes.  Of course.  Good girl that i am…

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Home

13 Mar

i hear His car out front.  Hear an engine stop, and i look out the window.

Yes!  It is Him this time, and not some random neighbor!  

It takes Him a minute to get to the door.  He has to get His bag, {His toy bag} and His laptop, and His bag with His clothes.  Close the car doors…

Which gives me plenty of time to stop whatever i’m doing and meet Him at the door.  i open the front door, so i can see Him  as He comes up the path, open the storm door as He gets to it.

In one movement, He steps through the door, drops His bags to one side, and wraps His arms around me, or i wrap mine around Him, somehow, we’re wrapped around each other, holding on.

Pressed to His chest, i think i can feel His heart beating…  if i stretch up the least bit, my lips reach His neck, right at the shoulder, and i kiss that spot ~ and He tilts His head a little so i can reach better.

i love the feel of His skin under my lips, His taste.  i touch the tip of my tongue to His skin and feel Him respond.

His shoulders are solid and strong, i can feel the muscles of His back under my hands.  His arms encircle me, His hands are firm.  i am caught and contained, held…

and my whole body sighs with pleasure and relief.

i am home.

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Not Enough

12 Mar

Apparently, i’m never actually satisfied.

There’s not enough D/s in my relationship with Sir X.  

i know, we’ve been building our vanilla side, and it’s growing beautifully, He even likes my friends, and i’m happy, happy, hap ~ well, just yesterday, i was all those “happy’s”  Today ~ i’m still happy, but ~

it’s not enough.

This is what happened to Eve in the garden, isn’t it?  {Well, mythically speaking…}  She had it all, and still didn’t have enough.  Had to try the apple.

Sigh.

i know, i know.  It’s a process.  We’re still building our relationship.  But it raises all those unpleasant submissive anxieties.  You know them as well as i do.  The ones that go ~

~ He’s not really dominant.  He’s just doing the things He does to please me.  i want Him to want to do it.  If He’s just doing it to please me, it won’t work.

i know, that’s probably not true.  But it might be!  What if it was?  What if it turned out He really doesn’t want to spank me or control me or be my Sir?  What if He really wants us to be all equal all the time?  Is just humoring me?

What if ~ did you see the article Greengirl linked to?   Omg, that was frightening… i know Sir wouldn’t do that to be mean, but what if, what if??

What if i work myself into a little frenzy of catastrophizing first thing in the morning?   Predict doom and gloom with no good reason?

Yeah, i’m pretty sure that’s not going to help anything…

And you know, really i know, this is part of the process.  i need to talk to Him.

i don’t want to talk to Him.

But i need to talk to Him.  Need to tell Him what’s on my mind.

i don’t want to tell Him, He’s got enough on His plate right now, He’s working so much, i don’t want to put more demands on Him…

He’s given me every reason to trust Him.  i just need to tell Him in a reasonable way.  He’ll listen, i know He will.

Yeah, He’ll listen and think you don’t appreciate what you already have, and you’re going to ruin everything…  

No, it will be ok ~ or it won’t.  Either way, i still have to talk to Him about it.   i just need to think about what i want to say, and when to say it.

{Shakes head}  Ok  It’s your life.  If you want to take a chance on ruining it, i can’t stop you.

{Laughing}  It’s ok sweetie, i’m pretty sure i’m not going to ruin our life.  Not today anyway.

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My Sir

5 Mar

Something happened the other day, and Sir didn’t respond the way i thought He would, the way i expected.  It hurt my feelings.

Actually, it triggered a massive rush of hurt way beyond proportion to the actual situation.  i knew my response was out of proportion, but i still felt it.

i cried.  i was by myself, at home, and i cried, you know, a significant amount.

i tried to distract myself, but every time i thought about it, i started crying again.

So i started an email to Him.  i wrote a draft and left it.  Came back and worked on it some more.  Put it aside.  Let more time go by.

i remembered to use “i-messages.”  i said, “When {this} happened, i felt {this.}  i thought {this.}

Every time i started to minimize or dismiss what i was saying, i deleted it.  i didn’t say “This might seem silly,” even though it might have.  i didn’t say, “i know i’m probably over-reacting” even though i thought i might have been.  i didn’t apologize for what i felt or thought.  i didn’t take it back or act like it wasn’t important.  i didn’t try to excuse Him, didn’t say “i know you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings,” or any of that.

i just told Him how what i thought and how i felt.

Then i went on to talk about some other things ~ our plans for the weekend, some response to His last email.  So the message wasn’t all about my hurt feelings.  But i was clear about them.

This was hard for me.  The situation triggered memories of times when people ~ generally the men i’ve known ~ have taken it for granted that i can take care of myself and they don’t need to be concerned.  Don’t need to give me a thought.  Can just assume i’ll manage somehow.

And really, ok, yes, the truth is i can frigging take care of myself.  Can manage somehow.  But when that’s just taken for granted, it really hurts my feelings.

Back when i was involved with MoR {remember him?} he used to tweak me about this.  He called it “being too competent for your own good.”

And i always thought he was right, in a way.  But my goal is to live somewhere between the extremes of “always broken, please save me,” and “so strong i don’t need anyone ever.”  Because, you know, that’s the reality.  i am somewhere in that middle ground.

It was evening before i was satisfied with my email to Sir.  i sent it with just a touch of anxiety, not too much.

i was a little more anxious when i didn’t hear anything back by early the next morning.   Not panicky.  Not upset.  But a little tense.

i reminded myself that He’s working an awful lot, and that He wouldn’t answer impulsively or carelessly.

But when the email from Him popped up on my iPhone, i held my breath as i opened it.

And i knew from the first sentence that it would be ok.

He explained His perspective ~ not in a “how could you blame me for that?!” way, but just in a clear, simple, “here’s where my head was, here’s why that happened,” kind of way.

He apologized.  Clearly and simply, without excuses or minimizing.  Just apologized.

He told me something He’s going to do that will, to some extent, remedy the situation that caused the problem. Not in a ‘look what I’m doing, you should appreciate this!!” way.   Just in a way that showed i really do matter to Him.

It was soothing balm for my heart.

It was what JM {the amazing analyst} calls a “redemptive experience.”  The situation triggered feelings of hurt that go way back.  The way Sir responded showed me that this time, this relationship is different, it’s not a re-run of old stories.

it was a wonderfully healing moment.  It makes me glad to be His.

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i understand March is question and answer month in the blogosphere.  If you have any questions ~ although i can’t imagine what i haven’t already told you ~ but if you have any questions, feel free to ask.   

i tried to update my “about” page today to include my email address, but somehow failed to save, it, so that’s on my to-do list. Until then, if you have a question, feel free to ask in the comments, or email me at:   aisha.hisservant@gmail.com

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