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Spirituality, BDSM, and me

6 Jan

With apologies to Fiona, who was hoping for fantasy…

i don’t know if this is even the right place to talk about this ~ sometimes i think i need a whole other blog not connected to me here ~ but here i am anyhow.  My blog, i can talk about whatever i want.

i was raised Catholic, but not the kind of Catholic you probably think of when i say that.

Forget the 12 children families and obey the pope mentality.  i was raised in the tradition of Dorothy Day, who worked for social justice, who said, “

“Life itself is a haphazard, untidy, messy affair,” 

““I really only love God as much as I love the person I love the least.”  and

“Our problems stem from our acceptance of this filthy, rotten system.”

In the tradition of Thomas Merton, who said,

 “Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy. That is not our business and, in fact, it is nobody’s business. What we are asked to do is to love, and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy.”

Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself.”  and

“Our idea of God tells us more about ourselves than about Him.”

So i was never a traditional Catholic.  And the churches i went to weren’t traditional neighborhood Catholic churches, for the most part.  There were periods of time that i didn’t go to church at all, and times that i was deeply involved in a particular church as a way to build and support my own spirituality.

i’ve followed my own path, and i don’t have any regrets.

About a year ago, i decided i couldn’t be Catholic anymore.  Even though the church i attended was still the same radical little group committed to social justice, pro-choice and pro-marriage equality that they had always been, there was more and more pressure for us to conform to things that I believed were wrong.  The things that the larger Catholic church was standing for were too far removed from my own beliefs.  So i quit being Catholic.

Not just quit going to church – not a fallen-away Catholic.  i am no longer Catholic.  i consider myself excommunicated from the church – and i assure you, based on my beliefs and actions, the Catholic church would agree with me.

When i did that, my atheist friends {who are many} welcomed me to their ranks.

And at first, i felt like i might be atheist.  i don’t exactly believe in the patriarchal god who lives in the sky and passes judgment on the mere mortals he created, and never have.

As i’ve grown into being able to articulate my belief, i think it is closer to the Buddhists, who don’t believe in God as separate from us.  And i think i don’t understand enough of their teachings to claim their belief for mine.

But here’s part of what i believe:

God is within each of us, and around us.  The God within us is the deepest part of our selves, that part that we are in touch with when we are very still and have shut out the distractions around us.  The God around us is in nature, it is God the creator, the God of dance and poetry and music,  harmony and disharmony, fertility and growth, the God of death.

So there i am, not quite pagan, not quite Christian.

As my old friend Burford says:

My approach to decision-making is to throw my questions out to “the universe” (is as good a way to put it as any), be patient, listen to the answer, figure out what I think is really the right path to pursue, and act on it. The replies I get have rarely led me wrong – and have faith in yourself and the answers you receive. The clear advantage to this approach is that all answers lie within you.”

And he adds:

I notice the things that are “right” for me to do seem to come easily.

i agree with this too.  My sense is that when the God within me is connected with the God around me and the God within others, things flow beautifully.  But i feel like i have temporarily lost my sense of connectedness with the universe, which i used to call God.

That’s ok ~ or it will be.  But it is another “way” to be found.

Part of the work ahead of me is in connecting more of sexuality and the feminine to my images of God.  i’ve just gotten a book called Vagina, which seems like it might be a good source for connecting spirituality and the feminine, although it got a horrible review in the NY times.

And ~ i come back to this ~  i have work to do that i’m not doing, and my expectations for things coming easily are not realistic right now  Just for example, i have material for a book that i’m not doing anything with, although i could.  i’m pretty sure a publisher is NOT going to call me and ask if i happen to have this material and would i like to publish it. 

i have some other great ideas, but unless i really put some energy into doing something with them, they are not likely to succeed.  And i’m a little lost as to where the energy needs to go.  

And it’s ok that i’m a little lost.  Really it is.  It’s not the first time, probably won’t be the last.  

Sometimes, the journey is the treasure. 

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One More Thought on “Being Broken”

13 Jun

In the comments on my last post on this, Joyce asked a question and i wanted to make sure i’m being really clear on this one.

Joyce seems to bring what the Buddhists call a “beginner’s mind” to the blog world and this isn’t the first time one of her questions has sparked a whole post.  This time she asks:

“Do you effect changes in behavior (pushing the limits) or “break” and completely restructure the basic personality of self to suit the Dom?”

So, i don’t know how one would completely restructure someone’s basic personality to suit the Dom, or to suit anyone.   “Basic personality” {not a technical term} is a combination of temperament and early experiences.  While you could damage someone so much that they no longer seemed like the same person, i can’t imagine that being anything positive.  i think Mouse and Jade both make that point in their comments.  

Mouse says:

We come here with our personal baggage, mouse’s baggage includes being broken and damaged by an uncaring dominant type.

i’m glad she says “dominant type” because i would argue that someone who abuses another is not “dominant” but simply abusive.

Jade says:

i have been broken in ways that destroyed my sense of joy, peace, excitement until i felt less than human

but then she goes on to say:

And that–has absolutely nothing– to do with what i think a slave is truly seeking when they are walking the path you speak of.

i was relieved to hear her say that, because it’s essential to recognize that when we’re talking about “being broken.”  Even in the extremes of TTWD, there is a difference between M/s and abuse.

Getting back to Joyce’s question, LM asks for the experience of “being broken.”   She says, “i want you to break me.”

Later, she goes back and defines that as:

Breaking me is pushing me past my boundaries, exploring my limits, making me cry, pushing me to painslut sub space where I completely rely on him to be everything in that moment, my tormentor and my savior, simultaneously.  When I am there all the noise in my head stops and He rules…. a very simple, visceral place, that moment..

It reminds me of The Teachings of Don Juan, where the seeker finds oneness with universe through peyote. Some people may even reach their version of “that moment” through mindfulness.

But the key factor here is that LM wants this.  Yes, her Dom originally says the words, but she wants it.  

Joyce, i think you’re thinking about some kind of intense training in which a Dom might teach the slave to behave in certain ways.  i would still argue that “basic personality” is not going to change, but i could be trained in ways that are pleasing to my Master.

“Being broken,” in my mind, is part of a spiritual journey of the submissive or slave, not for the benefit of the Master or Dominant.  So the experience is not really about Him or Her, it’s about the slave.   

This is only one of the ways that BDSM crosses paths with spirituality.  Back when i saw Raven Kaldera’s workshop at Cope last year, i became more aware of and more comfortable with that concept.

And i’ve been thinking about it as we talking about “breaking,” so i was delighted to see that my friend, Ms. Constance, has blogged about the connection.  

{Yes, ‘Nilla ~ our Ms. Constance has her blog up and running, isn’t that cool?}

You can read what she says here.  i’m curious to see what youall think about what she says.  And i’m glad to have the chance to introduce you to Ms. Constance.  She’s interesting and funny and wise.   i think you’ll like her.

In baby news ~ we have contractions, ~ well, my daughter does, not i, thank goodness ~ but they’re not regular yet.  Maybe today…  🙂

 

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My Body

19 Jan

O, i just did a lovely, stretchy, swirly exercise routine from my Nia DVD ~ just 15 minutes, cause it’s another “running late” kind of day, but my whole body feels awake and energized.

It is a sensual and rigorous exercise at the same time.  i’ so glad i didn’t skip it.

i’m starting Day 4 of my diet ~ which i’m not gonna call a diet anymore, it’s a change in my eating habits, a new relationship with food.  Doesn’t that sound all New Age-y?  Or something…

But it’s true.  Last night, after work, i went to the grocery, came home and actually cooked.  Had baked salmon and broiled asparagus, mushrooms and tomatoes for dinner, with yogurt and blueberries for dessert.

AND i have vegetable soup in the crock pot.   i swear i’m losing belly fat by the minute.

But more importantly, i feel like i’m connecting with my body in a new way.  

I used to hear people say things like that and i’d sort of mentally roll my eyes.  “Connect with my body in a new way…”  WTF.  

My body’s here, i’m not dissociated from it, what was this “connecting” supposed to mean?

Then i’d get this flash of what it meant ~ this mental image of being ~ i don’t know how to explain it ~ fully present in my body.  Feeling the power of my body and my self… and words don’t really work here.

i would get a flash of it, and in my mind it was like how i imagine athletes feel when they’re playing their sport.  Particularly ~ basketball players.  Or gymnasts.    They seem to be present in their bodies in a different way than i usually am.  

BDSM gives me some of that feeling.  The intensity the “in-the-moment-ness” of it is powerful and, for me, connects me to my physical being.   

And typically, in kink, we are accepting of different body types without value judgements, which is one of the things i love about “the lifestyle.”

But lately i’ve been aware of my own flab, so to speak, and my reduced flexibility.  My body doesn’t feel and move the way i want it to.  

Yes, i know some of that is age.  But not all of it.

Plus, i have some attraction to tantric sex ~ and i have not really been able to tap into the sexual and sensual energy of that discipline.  Key word there being, i think, discipline.

While i was feeding myself, ok, stuffing myself, with sugar and carbs, i wasn’t able to move into other realms of discipline (no kinky joke intended…lol)

Ok, enough of this.  More to think about later – i need to keep moving today.  

But here is how i want to feel.  This is my goal.

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Another Day, Another Kink

2 Jan

That’s really a bait and switch title.  It may be  a new year, but i’m still pretty much into the same ole kinks.

Obedience.  Being controlled.

Service.

A little pain… a little humiliation.

Rope.

Some public play ~ coming up soon at Winter Wickedness!!  

i’ve been thinking about “marks,” and how much i want Him to leave marks on me.  i took someone’s advice ~ maybe lil? ~ and asked Him to mark my breast with a hickey, and He has been doing that, which is nice.

Rope leaves marks for a while, which is its own kind of wonderful.

But then i was thinking how much harder/longer He might have to spank me to leave that kind of marks, and i kind of mentally shrugged.

i don’t know if that’s where we’re headed.  i don’t know if that’s where our kink, our D/s aspect, is leading us.  i think maybe not.

New Year’s Eve, He let me massage His body for the first time.   Starting with His back, and working my way over the rest of His body.

i had wanted to do that before, but have not been allowed to.  i don’t know why ~ i don’t need to know why.  He has His own ways and His plans, and my part of this is to follow His plan.  

It was a privilege to be allowed to caress Him the way i’ve longed to.  And it arouses me to think about it now.  His control, of Himself and of me, has tremendous power.

Anais Nin says:

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.” 

and that resonates deeply with me.

i have the sense that He ~ Sir X ~ and i are going somewhere.  i don’t know where.  

Being allowed to serve Him is a privilege, whether it’s fixing dinner for Him, or giving Him a back rub.  i want to learn new and better ways to please Him, want that with a passion that surprises me.

This dynamic between Sir and me makes me think about Jake’s post on giving and taking.  If Sir allows me to give Him a back massage, and i see that as a privilege, then who is giving and who’s taking?

Laughing… i am still pondering all that.  Sir did respond to my question on His thoughts about it, and i’ll be back to that later.

Today, i’m pondering one of the things i learned at “Nia.”  They talk about being in a state of “RAW.”  

Relaxed

Alert

Waiting.

For sure, that’s where i am these days.  i can feel it in my body.

Linehan talks about it, meditating in a posture of relaxed alertness.  Sitting straight, belly and butt out ~ like the Buddha.  Eyes open, but gazing at a spot a few feet ahead of you.  Sitting straight as if there is a string running from the center of your body through the top of your head to the ceiling.

And i can feel it, the stillness, the waiting.  That is how i want to enter the New Year.

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More Uncertainty

15 Dec

There’s a woman named Pema Chondron who’s written a book called When Things Fall Apart:  Difficult Advice for Heart Times.  A therapist i work with discovered it when she was having some difficult times, and quotes from it often.  In fact – is that where the tiger story comes from?  i think it might be.

Anyhow.  i bought the book, and loaned it to my daughter, still unread, but i already use Pema’s quotes often.  Here’s one that struck me today:

“As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don’t deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity.” 
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

 i stumbled across this quote too: 

“Embrace relational uncertainty. It’s called romance. Embrace spiritual uncertainty. It’s called mystery. Embrace occupational uncertainty. It’s called destiny. Embrace emotional uncertainty. It’s called joy. Embrace intellectual uncertainty. It’s called revelation.” 
― Mark Batterson, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day: How to Survive and Thrive When Opportunity Roars

i like both of those quotes very much.  

For some of you, TTWD are about going farther and deeper with your partner.  Sin, ‘Nilla, Jake, mouse, Sfp, and scores of others who are already in relationships, and sometimes i envy you that.  i know you had to work hard to get where you are, and i hope to be there someday.

Only not quite in any of your shoes, right?   You know, to state the obvious, your dynamics are not what mine are or what mine will be.

i don’t know what mine are going to be.  It depends on so many things ~ me, Him, our situations, and a zillion other factors.  

i took Sin’s on-line personality test ~ well, not her test, but the one she linked to ~ and discovered i’m a “seeker.” No big shock there, right?

It’s a pretty cool test ~ you pick pictures instead of using words.  Here’s the link:

 http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1Yr38F/personality.visualdna.com/  

in case you want to find out what you are.  Based on comments on Sin’s blog, plenty of us are seekers. 

It says i:

“…have a bright spirit and warm energy. Chatty and friendly, you feel most relaxed when you’re hanging out with your best friends. A sensitive soul with an expressive nature, you tend to be quite a romantic at heart. Sometimes you love nothing more than escaping into your very own dreamworld.”

It ends with:

“…You have a strong self-awareness and value quiet time away from the hectic pace of life. Even if you have a busy schedule, make sure you have the confidence to carve out that space for yourself . It’ll definitely pay off in the long run.”

No big surprises there.  It’s not 100% accurate, but it makes some good points.

So here’s the thing.  i love Sir X dearly.  For me, submission stimulates love, and i can get all lost in pleasing and wanting to belong and so on.  

Plus, He is an admirable person, has all kinds of qualities i appreciate, and i enjoy Him in all kinds of ways.  He has lots to teach me.

That doesn’t necessarily mean we’re headed for happily-ever-after.  It might mean that~ and i’ll hold that hope ~ but it doesn’t have to mean that.

It does mean i get all lost in the feeling and the wanting, the pleasure and the pain.  Then i need to pull back and look at what i’m doing.  Think about it, evaluate it.

Maybe that’s not submissive, and maybe i won’t do that someday.  But for now, that’s what i do.

And in that space of stepping back, there is ambiguity and uncertainty.  Often, it’s a twinge of pain that drives me there.  Not the good kind of pain, but the emotional jolt of something unexpected, incongruent, and uncomfortable.  

i hope these are growing pains.  i hope i find the way to express the things i need to say so He can hear them and that we end up closer together, or in more complete agreement, or something like that.

In the meantime, i need to tolerate the uncertainty.  And ~ if i listen to Pema Chondron and Mark Batterson ~ not just tolerate it, but embrace it.

Ok.

Big breath.

i can do that.  i can.

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Finding the Center

19 Nov

There was some talk on a thread on fetlife today about “damaged people” and it bothered me.  They seemed to think that people who’d been abused were “damaged” and that baffled me.

i think either we’re all damaged, or none of us are.   People who live their lives in privileged seclusion, untouched by overt trauma, are “damaged” in a different way, maybe, but i won’t make judgements on whether that’s more damaged or less.

i’ve been thinking about community today.  How lucky i am to be part of so many circles of support.  

i had lunch with Ms. Constance yesterday, and was reflecting on how much i appreciate her linking me to the BDSM community here.  Well, and Sir D for doing it initially.  

But Ms. Constance is helping me establish my own roots in the community, which is a different thing.

The VBA awards ~ thinking about how they create circles that overlap, and expand, pulling more bloggers into the flow. 

My circles of womenfolk – my family, the subsisters, some of my friends…  Larger circles ~ my people at work, my volunteer friends, my church people… wave after wave, some of them overlapping….

When i think about that, i feel a sense of calm.  My mind grows still.  i breathe deeper.  

If i hold my arms out, palms up, they tingle, as if the energy is flowing into me.

Sometimes i get frazzled and overwhelmed.  More often than is comfortable, or helpful.  When i do, it may take me a bit to remember to come back to this place, this internal state.

And sometimes, it feels like i can’t get here.  Like i forget this inner calm even exists, i’m caught in that frantic world of never quite good enough, rushing around trying to get it right.

Sometimes, my Sir helps me find this space again.  It is as if He takes me out of myself, only to slip me back in place, back where i belong.  

Sometimes, i get there myself.

When my Sir gets me here, i feel very close to Him, grateful, of course, and connected.

When i get here myself, i long to connect to Him.  It is as if my spirit is searching for Him, looking to complete this most intimate circle from Him to me and me to Him. 

It’s a different kind of submission, i think, when i am in this space.  What i bring to the connection is different, maybe?

This is new territory for me ~ i don’t think i’ve shared myself quite this way before.  It will be interesting to see how that works.

My thoughts circle back around to “damaged” people.  i’m damaged, of course, if we’re going to think of people that way.  i have all kinds of scars and dents, emotional places that have been stepped on, kicked, and broken.

My goal, i think, has been to heal so that i’m “stronger in the broken places.”  There is a different kind of beauty and power in that ~ i know because i’ve seen how it works in other people.

i’ll see my Sir tonight.  i’m lucky that way too, that i get to touch Him, and be touched.  

i think we bless each other with TTWD.

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The Path of Service and Mastery

21 Sep

The third spiritual path of BDSM that Raven talks about is the Path of Service and Mastery.  There is so much here that speaks to me.  He says,

Service is about attitude, about learning to give yourself a good attitude about whatever you’re doing.  It’s about joyful service, not service done with”murmuring in the heart.”

This idea actually comes from the rule of the Benedictine monks, which describes how to be a good monk.  Raven says that Joshua studied this rule as part of his training, as part of his learning how he was going to serve.

i’m a little bit familiar with St. Benedict’s rule for his monks, so this was easy to imagine.  For example, the chapter  on obedience starts out:   

“The first degree of humility is obedience without delay.”

And how often do we talk about that?   Isn’t that often a basic expectation for the sub?  Further on in the chapter, Benedict says:

“But this very obedience
will be acceptable to God and pleasing to all
only if what is commanded is done
without hesitation, delay, lukewarmness, grumbling, or objection.”

There’s much, much more about the Path of Service, but i want to look at the Path of Mastery a minute.  Benedict says:

However, just as it is proper 
for the disciples to obey their master, 
so also it is his function 
to dispose all things with prudence and justice.

Raven says the Path of Mastery invovles motivation, that the Master scrutinizes every order He gives to be sure it comes from “a clean place.”  To be sure it’s not vengeful, petty or self-serving.

Of course it can be “self-serving” in the sense of being what the Master wants.   In the lifestyle, we agree that serving the Master’s wants is a reasonable goal.

But it needs to be “cleanly from there.”  So ~ without hidden agendas or secret motives.  

i think this means that the Master has to be very clear with himself or herself what he or she actually wants.  i think it takes tremendous strength of character to be this kind of Master.

Anyone who wants to call himself a Dom or a Master needs to have a certain level of integrity.  Needs to be able to control himself and act rationally.  But someone on this spriitual path is actively working to increase their ability to ~ as Raven says ~ act from the right motives ~ or from clear motives.

The example that comes to my mind is my ex-husband, not the first one, but the second (and last) one, who was {maybe} a Dom.  One of the last things he said to me was, “All those {kinky} things  we did?   I didn’t want to do them.  I just did them to please you.”

That’s the ultimate muddy motivation.  He’s whipping me with a riding crop without warm-up or after care strictly for my pleasure?   Then, um, don’t do it.  Please.  That wasn’t a necessary part of my kink ~ and he knew that.

In fact, he was lying.  Believe me, i know this.  i think he’d started telling that lie to himself because he couldn’t face his own sadistic part.

Ms. Constance says that it is often very difficult for a Dom or Master to recognize that there is a part of His “self” that enjoys inflicting pain on someone else.  That this maybe more difficult than accepting that i kinda like receiving pain.

That makes perfect sense to me.

In my mind, Master and slave, Dom and sub, are on parallel paths that criss-cross but are not the same.  So the Master is working on knowing and mastering himself as much as being Master to his slave.

The slave or sub is working on learning to obey, rather than to agree.  

Agreeing is what we do at first.  He gives me an order and i {quickly} decide if it’s something i’m willing to do.  If it is, then i do it.

When i learn to obey, i do it without weighing out whether it’s right or wrong.  Without that split second of deciding.  i just do it.

i think it’s perfectly reasonable to agree at first.  It takes tremendous trust to truly obey.  And ~i don’t think everyone who calls himself Sir or Master is worthy of being obeyed.

But agreeing is not obeying.  Obeying comes from a deeper place of trust.

Last night, i was hog-tied.  i agreed to it.

He had not told me to get my mat.  

He put the rope harness on me first, it wraps around my hips, between my legs, the rope pulled snug, and back up to my waist.

Then, “Lie down,” He says, “Face down on the wood floor.”

It’s a quick pause ~ can i do this?  will i do this?

Then yes, of course i do, and it looks quick, i think, but the pause is there.  And that’s ok.

Once i’m lying face down on the floor ~ and how odd that feels!  He ties my hands behind my back.  And then, attaching to the rope at my hips on the way, connects my hands to my feet.

After checking to make sure i’m comfortable, well, not comfortable, but ok, He tells me to take a little time to think about the fact that i’m hog-tied face down on a hard, wood floor.   To ponder what that means about my submission.

He turns away and i don’t know what He’s doing, but with my face down on the floor, i do as i’m told and think about what it means.

At first, i’m kind of wiggly.  It’s not very comfortable, and i’m squirming a little bit, which makes the rope running between my legs move, and that’s not all bad either.

But i think about what it means, that i’m lying here like this, how it feels in my body to be restrained this way, and as i do, my body grows still.  

i notice this, and feel myself relaxing into it.  

All of my body ~ my arms which had felt strained, my legs and hips, even my neck ~ relaxes into it.

It is that open, receptive feeling ~ that big  “ahhhhh, yes,”  of submission.

The next time He gives a command like that, there will be less agreeing and a little more of obeying.  It takes time ~ it should take time.  But He is moving me that way.

There’s more ~ much more ~ to say ~ tomorrow.  

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Ritual Catharsis

20 Sep

Raven says the second spiritual path of BDSM is Ritual Catharsis.  That the TTWD can be used in a ritual way to create healing.

He talks about structuring the scene symbolically, and about using a prayer to the four directions.  This is one of my favorite ways to pray, or to begin  a ceremony ~ we use it at church occasionally, and in the couple of rituals that i’ve created, i started with that.

i use a Lakota version, and add Father Sky and Mother Earth to the four directions.

Raven uses a version with symbolism that i hadn’t heard before.

The north stood for earth ~ the warrior’s gate ~ the rite of passage.

The east was winds ~ air ~ trust~ the jumping off spot.

The south was fire ~ fear.

And the west was humiliation ~ being stripped to our deepest self.

In any case, that is a beginning that grounds me and opens me to the universe at the same time.

Raven talks about humiliation play as a way of stripping ourselves to our most basic, essential self.  That part of ourselves that remains when all the trappings we clothe ourselves in are gone.

i like that perspective.  i think there is always an element of humiliation in our play, but haven’t understood having that as a main fetish, particularly in the extremes some people take it to.

When i think of it as stripping away the layers of protection that make us who we are,  uncovering our deepest self in the process,  it makes more sense.

i think that Raven is talking about very specifically structured rituals that help us process the emotions we feel during BDSM activities.  and {laughing…} i can’t tell from my notes whether he’s only talking about planned rituals, or whether he also means the rituals that we create within relationships.

But i think that a big part of TTWD is an effort to heal ~ and to help our partner heal.  Doesn’t have to be past abuse we’re healing from, although many of us are. It doesn’t have to be the sub who needs healing, it may be the Master.  It may be both.

i think this is also true in vanilla relationships ~ i think we’re all trying to heal and grow all the time.  i think BDSM relationships are better designed for some types of healing.

One of the ways we try to heal is by “re-doing.”  So if you’re a man who had a bossy, domineering mother, you may marry a woman very much like that.   If you’re a woman with an abusive, controlling  father, you may marry a very controlling, abusive man.

We don’t do this by mistake, really, we do it because we’re trying to retell the story, with a different ending.  We believe, in a wordless, hidden way, that this relationship will be different.

The underlying message is “i couldn’t do it right with Mom/Dad, i couldn’t get my needs met, but with this person, i can.”

The problem, of course, is that it often doesn’t end differently.  Often, we still can’t get our needs met.  And so we repeat the process with someone else, looking for that different ending.

There’s a quote that labels that insanity, doing the same thing and expecting different results.  But it’s a lot easier to see that from the outside.

i think that TTWD gives us a chance to relive the experience AND process the feelings ~ which we don’t get to do in abusive situations.  One key element of abuse is that it’s not safe to feel your feelings.

So we dissociate, go away in our heads.  Yesterday, in a comment, Angel described the difference between dissociation and subspace.  She said:

“When i cannot tell any longer what is me, or you, or us, or the tool you are using and we are all one…then its a spiritual act…because we are all One.

Time stands still.

i am a part of the light in the room, the cross i am bound to, the people watching, the glint in her eyes, the pride he feels. i am all of these things….the polar opposite of dissociation.

Dissociation says i am none of these things and that i am not me, not present.

Subspace says i am all of these things and am fully open and fully present.

Sometimes, indeed–often–i am just a willing vessel, no more and no less.”

i love that description. 

So abuse says, “Don’t feel your feelings; don’t talk about it.”

BDSM says, “Feel it all, talk about it all.”

When you do that, you are living in a safe space, and you begin to heal.

Raven said that for a Master who had an abusive childhood, the healing may be about discovering that He can express that sadistic part of himself and still be loved and accepted.  That struck me as a powerful gift that subs can offer.

It made me think of Mouse and Omega, over at A Slave’s Tale.  i think that Mouse’s consistent love for Omega through all kinds of circumstances have had a powerful impact on him and on their relationship.  {Hoping you don’t mind me saying so, Mouse…}

And in a way, isn’t that a sub fantasy?  It’s one of mine anyhow, to bring love to the person i care about.  To transform our lives by what we create between us.

Sigh…

So if i make this personal ~ one of the things that i still struggle with is having been rejected by my Dad.   He rejected me on a couple of different levels, and sometimes it seems like all i ever do is frigging seek healing from that.

The real answer, of course, is that i have to find the “Dad” within myself.  That i have to learn to father myself.  But the road to that is through my relationships with other people, other men.

It is {i think} the reason it’s so difficult for me to tolerate periods of time without hearing from the Dom i’m interested in.  i think it’s what makes me feel so frigging needy in a relationship.

i learned to be ok without my Dad {really i did} and to not expect him to be there for me. He was sporadic enough that it took me a long time to figure it out.  But i learned that i was better of  without any hope for that relationship.  

i think one of the lessons TTWD has for me is that it’s ok to lean, ok to expect someone to be there.  i think that i reenact aspects of that relationship with the first man in my life, and i think about them and process them and heal.

But i might be wrong.

In any case, i am sure that it is about exposing the shadow side of our selves.  Uncovering the parts that we are ashamed of.   In the lifestyle, the parts we want to keep hidden are the ones that are revealed.

And there is a tremendous spiritual power in that experience.

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C.O.P.E. and Raven and Spirituality

19 Sep

This is a “Raven says” post, from his class at C.O.P.E. with his boy, Joshua.  It’s going to be sort of like a book report for about two or three parts, I think.  

So I won’t say “Raven says” every time I say something he said.  I’ll more likely say “i think” if it’s me speaking.  Here is his website again:

http://www.ravenkaldera.org/

And here we go.  Raven says:

There are three ways that the BDSM lifestyle and spirituality can connect.  These are:

1.  Sacred Pain

2.  Ritual Catharsis

3.  The Path of Service and Mastery

We know of lots of examples of “sacred pain,” Native American and African rituals often have an element of this, as does Catholicism with its self-flagellation for monks and nuns.  But they don’t typically mix sexuality with the pain.  {At least, not overtly.}

There are four ways that you can experience sacred pain mixed with sexuality that lead to growth.

A.  Altered States ~ this is not {i think} the same as subspace.  This may be what Sweet Girl was talking about though ~ when the experience of pain moves you into an altered state of mind.

How can you tell it’s spiritual? If it’s spiritual it transforms you, it becomes a tool that you use ~ the experience changes how you act or feel or what you believe.

Note:  this is not the same as dissociation ~ at least, i don’t think it is.   When you “go away in your head,” you’re not present for the experience, and, maybe more importantly, when you dissociate you are not transformed.  You escape the experience instead.

i’m assuming that Raven doesn’t think they’re the same either, since when he realized that Joshua was dissociating during pain play, he quit the practice with him.

B.  Bringing you back from an altered state.  So, the pain that creates an altered state is rhythmic and repetitive. Pain that brings you back is sharp, sudden, and usually unexpected.  It’s the BDSM equivalent of smacking someone when they’re hysterical.

C.  Offering to a Deity – pain can be an expression of sacrifice, with the Master acting as a stand-in for the deity, passing the energy on into the universe.

Raven talked a bit about what that means, for the Master to be a stand-in for the deity, but it ties in nicely with the thoughts i’ve had, that in some ways, our Doms and Masters are always stand-in’s for God.  

Of course, then that takes me to the belief that God is within each of us, so it’s just a matter of how we’re expressing our interactions with God… but then it gets too complex for me to sort out very well.  

Anyhow, the idea that God requires sacrifice and pain is clearly a part of Catholicism and some other traditions.  Back in the old days, when i was young, if you had some kind of pain the traditional advice was to “offer it up,” to offer up your own suffering to relieve the pain of others, mostly i think, of souls in purgatory.  {That wasn’t actually part of my personal traditions, not that explicitly, but i’ve read about it.}  

As i write this, i’m thinking that it’s almost like the opposite of healing touch ~ not because it’s anti-healing, but it works in an opposite way.

Instead of energy passing from the universe through the healer into the person receiving it, it passes from the person in pain, through the stand-in for the deity, and into the universe.   

D.  Breaks down walls, gets emotions out.  This makes me think of all the blogs i’ve read where the beating leads the sub to break down crying, and the sense of relief that goes with that.

i’ve never actually experienced that, but it’s an occasional fantasy.

So, going back a moment to the idea of a transfer of energy through pain, Raven says there are two ways this can work.

1.  Doer as magician ~ the one inflicting the pain senses and sends the energy.  So, if i understand Raven and my notes right, the person on the M side of the paddle is passing energy from the universe to the s side.

2.  “Done to” as the magician ~ the person on the receiving end of the paddle transforms the energy and sends it back into the universe.  The Master or Dom is the technician that drives that, that makes it happen, but the receiving person actually transforms the energy.

Whew.  That’s page one of my notes, and if it doesn’t make sense, i’m probably not remembering it right.

Whether you agree with it all or not, i appreciate the nice outline of ways to look at it.  For me, structuring my thinking helps bring clarity.  i can play with ideas better if they’re laid out cleanly in a form i understand.  And it makes it easier to discuss them.

Tomorrow, i’ll do BDSM as Ritual Catharsis ~ well, unless something happens in RL that is more important to me in the moment…

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Discipline (XI)

28 Aug

Alone, waiting for The Major, and the 64 lashes with the switch, i fret and worry.   My ass raised and exposed, pussy on display, it is clear that i’m open to whatever He brings.

What if i can’t take it?  What if I just can’t stand it?  Would He really make me leave?  

What if He injures me, leaves me too hurt to function?  Leaves scars.  Maybe i should leave.  This is kind of crazy anyhow. What am i thinking?

But i don’t want to leave.  i want to see what happens next.

But what if i can’t take it?

And i go on like that for what seems like a long time, going round and round in my head.  Finally, i hear footsteps ~ His footsteps.

My heart had been racing, now i can barely breathe.  i can feel Him behind me.

He runs His hands over my ass, down the outside of my thighs, up the inner thigh.  Spreads my cheeks further, making me blush as He examines me there.  

Touches me between my legs, opening the outer lips, exposing my clit, which He does not touch.  Of course.  He does dip a finger into me, apparently to check if i’m wet, which i am.  Dripping wet.

i would have rocked back on His finger, my hips wanted to, but, “Don’t.  Move.” He says, and i freeze.  

His hands travel over my back, pressing down the small of my back, which raises my ass a little further.  

Around to my breasts, pinching the nipples.  Of course.  Hard enough that i whimper, and He says, “Sh.”  

He pushes my head down further, so my forehead rests on the floor.  Places my hands, my arms, so i am a little more stretched out.

i am reminded of the Fair, times i’ve watched them showing the goats.  i’ve watched the owners poke and prod their animals into the presentation they want.  

i know how they must feel.

Then i hear the switch ~ whooshing through the air.  Whistling through the air?  Searching for the right word to describe it, i think, “you’ll quit worrying about that in a minute here,” and i tense, waiting for it to land on my ass.

Instead, He begins to trace my body with it, following the path His hands had taken.  

As He caresses my ass, between my ass cheeks, i notice it feels damp.  He comments on this, explaining that it has been soaking in water since i picked it that afternoon.   

“That makes it less likely to get brittle and break before we’re finished,” He says.  “And of course being wet makes it hurt more.”

i’m stunned because, really, did it need to hurt MORE?

i want to say something, want to protest, but i am can no more talk than i could fly right now.  i can only wait, receptive and still.

When He has traced my body with the switch, touched my nipples, my belly, each part of me, He says,

“I want you to raise your head.   Don’t move the rest of your body.  Just your head.”

Slowly, being careful not to disturb my position, i raise my head.  

“You are to kiss my hand,” He says, “The hand that’s going to punish you.”

i am amazed, and frightened, to discover that i’m glad to.  i caress His palm with my lips, and He moves it away.

“Now the switch,” He says.  He holds it to my lips, and lets me caress it as well.  As He removes it, His hand fists in my hair, and He presses my head back to the ground.

“Good,” He says.  Then,

“I told you it was lucky that you rolled doubles, right?  You know, usually rolling doubles means you roll again and add that to your original number.”

i think i make a noise, a tiny noise.

He goes on, “But in this case, by my rules today, rolling doubles means ‘double or nothing.’   You’ll still be punished, your original eight, but maybe not times eight.  What’s your preference, slut?”

i open my mouth to say eight only, not times eight, not 64, just eight ~~

and i’m appalled to hear myself say, 

“Whatever You want, Sir.”

i could have bit my tongue off, what the hell is wrong with me, what am i thinking???  No, i don’t want 64, no, no, no.

But ~ “O, good girl,” He says.  He strokes my hair, and a shiver runs through me, my pussy clenches.

His voice is gentle, “Eight,” He says.  “We’re not about extreme pain tonight, this is just teaching.  Wanting you to learn your place, to begin to learn obedience.  I can teach you that with eight.”

His voice seems far away, but the relief spreads through my body.  i can trust Him.  He won’t damage me.

He places a hand between my shoulder blades, and i hear the whistling sound and ~~~

i scream as a terrible stinging, burning ~~ O ~~ it lands on my ass and ~~ O, it feels like a thousand whips all concentrated in that one line of pain. O.

“One,” He says.  “You are to count ~ that’s one.”  i am completely distracted, but somehow, i manage to say it, 

“One,” and then i remember to add, “Thank you, Sir.”

He is tracing paths on my ass and back with the tip of the switch, moves it around and caresses my pussy with it.  i moan, and would press myself against it, but,

“Hold still, slut,” He says, and before i even process that, 

“Whoosh!” It lands again, this time on the back of my thighs.

i cry out, and my head pops up, i can’t help it.  His hand on the back of my head presses it back down, but i’m worried, i don’t know if i can keep it down.

Then – quickly, “Two,” i say, “Two, thank You, Sir.”

“Just in time,” He says.  “Lucky for you.  Can’t have that head coming up though.  But don’t worry, if it happens again, I’ll make sure it stays in position.”

This frightens me, and makes me grateful at the same time.  As the third one lands, i manage to keep my head down ~ but my hands fly up behind me.

Sheesh.

He laughs.  “No, no hands either, slut.”

“Three!” i cry out, “Three ,thank you Sir.  And i’m sorry.  i don’t mean to move.’

“No,” He says, “I know that.  That’s ok, I don’t mind helping you.”  

Deftly, He attaches my collar to a ring in the floor, repeats the process with my wrist cuffs.  Now i am secure, there won’t be any unwanted flailing around.

“I think that should do it,” He says, “But let’s try a lick just for practice.  You don’t have to count, don’t count this one.”

“OMIGOD!”  The switch lands, i cry out, and that is all i can do.  My head and my hands stay in place.

“Good,” He says.  “I won’t gag you tonight, I want to hear your screams, but try not to make too much fuss, make an effort to accept the punishment quietly.  Except for counting, of course.  Do you know what number we’re on now?”

Panicked, i can’t think, i don’t know, i don’t know ~ three or four?  which is it?

“Do you know?” He asks again, the switch tapping lightly on my leg.

“O, Sir, i’m ~ i’m not sure ~ four, i think?  Or three?”

“Four,” He says, “Four is next,” and the switch taps harder on my thigh as He counts, “One, two, three, four.  Are you ready?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Ask me for it.”

Omigod, i can’t believe He’s doing this, omigod, but i force the words out, “Please, Sir, may i have another?  Please.”

The switch lands again, right on the spot where my ass and thighs converge, and i scream.  Ah ~ oh, that hurts so bad.  If my hands were free, i’d rub it, rub some of the sting away, omigod ~

“FOUR!  Thank you, Sir.”  i remember.

“Ask for the next one,” He says.  “And next time, ask without being told.”

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