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Thud

8 Feb

Did you hear that?  

Last night ~ that thud?  

Yeah.

It was me, dropping from the high i’d been on since the weekend.  Landing with a solid thud.

No, i’m ok.  No real damage.  Just a dent in my bubble of happy.

i was sitting here last night, feeling all cranky and out of sorts, wondering what the hell was wrong with me, when i realized ~ of course!  Two-three days after an event ~~

sub-drop.

It wasn’t quite a crash this time.  Just a thud.  Landed on my butt, i think.  No damage done.

For a minute, i was annoyed with my Sir.  i told Him this would happen!  i asked Him not to be out of touch today!

But He wasn’t actually “out of touch” ~ He just wasn’t very communicative.   Maybe He’s having a touch of Dom-drop.  They say it happens.

In any case, i managed to acknowledge my feelings.  Yes, i’m a little blue.

No, it’s not so much fun being at home as it was being at a kink event with Sir.  All that adrenaline high, all the extra dopamine and serotonin floating around in my system is pretty much gone.

i’m back to my regular, mundane life, surrounded mostly by Muggles.

And that’s ok.  

It helps that i will see Sir tonight.  Helps that i’m in a relationship that i feel secure about.  Helps that He wasn’t completely out of touch yesterday.

In the words of my favorite reggae artist, i can tell myself ~ “Don’t worry ’bout a thing.  ‘Cause every little thing, gonna be alright…”

(Yes, i had to include it here…}

But it has not always been this easy for me, and may not always be this smooth.  In fact, i may think i’m sliding through this sub-drop now and discover at some point that i’m really not.  

But it ties in nicely with the theme of aftercare and responsibility for our own emotions, doesn’t it?  

i can never decide if i love it or hate it when i’m talking about something, and then it happens ~ when i get to live it instead of talking theory.  Anyhow ~~

SherynB has written a couple of pieces on aftercare.  One of them, she did about three years ago ~  “The Cult of Aftercare.”  If you’re on fetlife, you can find it here:

It was apparently misinterpreted by lots of people, because she wrote a follow-up called “Aftercare??  Seriously??” which is over here:

They’re both excellent.  And you know i’ve got more to say about them, and will be saying it in the next few days.  

i really appreciate the comments i got yesterday.  i want to respond thoughtfully, and  i’m trying to move at my own pace today.   Trying to be gentle with myself.  So be patient with me, please.

Sir is coming to my house tonight, i have straightening up to do and need to get to work early and all that usual stuff.

So i’ll leave you with this quote from SherynB:

“If you are going to ask somebody to play with your pain, your fears, your phobias, your self-esteem, your core emotional identity…you need to have done some work of your own, and be prepared to do more.”

Food for thought, isn’t it?

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Self-Care ~ Part I

7 Feb

SherynB taught this class, which was called “Beyond Aftercare:  Managing Your Own Emotional & Energetic Needs.  The class description read:

“This is NOT an “anti-aftercare” class. It’s a primer in psychological self-care and energetic self-defense for tops and bottoms. If you’ve ever been blind-sided by how strongly emotions/energy affect you or your partner, both physically & mentally, this class/discussion will help you recognize energy exchange for what it is, and give you a toolbox to care for yourself and secondarily (yes, secondarily) assist your play partners in doing the same. This interactive lecture & discussion is firmly based on the principle that we are each fundamentally responsible for understanding and providing for our own needs, before we are we able to functionally interact with others.”

She did a really nice job with it.  It was interactive, and she used stories to illustrate, mostly her own stories, which makes for a good presentation.  

But her main point, what i saw as her main point, is the idea that we are responsible for our own emotional well-being, no matter how submissive we are.

Cruising around the blogosphere as much as i do, i run across people who believe their Dom or Master is supposed to manage their (the sub/slave’s) emotions.  That the Dom somehow takes responsibility for making sure the sub feels what they want her to feel, or what she should feel.

When i was new to TTWD {and gosh, how strange to realize i’m really not “new” anymore} but when i was new, i guess i thought maybe that could be true.  Maybe the Master could take charge in such a way that he really was managing her feelings.

Of course it’s not true.  Ultimately, we are each responsible for our own feelings.

That’s kind of a relief for me.

Sure, it would be kind of nice, i suppose, to let someone else take over making me feel ok, but really?  Not possible.

It’s like Andi’s comment the other day about how at one time she thought maybe she wanted to be a housewife and just worry about keeping the house clean and not have to think about anything else.   No.  Not gonna work.

Back in the day when women tried to do that, we ended up on Valium, a highly addictive tranquilizer.  They used to call it “Mother’s little helper.”   But i digress…

We are people first.  

People are ultimately responsible for managing our own feelings.

And doesn’t it sound silly, that i even have to say that?  But i think there’s some belief that we can “give him” control of our feelings.

i think that’s impossible.  Disagree with me if you want to, in the comments, in your own blog.  i’m really open to looking at this. Hearing if you think it’s different.  

For you, anyhow.

For me, i really know that it’s up to me.

That’s not to say He doesn’t have power and influence ~ if i give Him control of my environment and my actions, then He does have the power to elicit  a variety of feelings from me.  

He knows what buttons to push to make me feel weak-at-the-knees submissive, right?  A simple hair tug ~ right at the nape of my neck ~ will pretty much take me there.

He knows what makes me wet, what makes me smile.  He knows how to get the endorphins racing through my system like life is just one giant orgasm waiting to happen.

And when it’s over and i’m crashing, He knows how to be there for me.  Cuddling, holding, warming me.

But.

Ultimately, at the end of the day, it’s still up to me to be responsible for my own day-to-day emotional stability and well-being.

SherynB tells a delightfully dramatic story about herself and some edge play.  She had a friend who she was relying on to see her through any unexpected negative emotional fall-out.

Only problem ~ the friend thought the scene was all over, thought she was ok, and left.

The scene was not quite over, and SherynB ended up having an emotional melt down, the very thing she’d feared.

She describes how she got through this, and her own recognition that at the end of the day “there is always that observer inside ourselves who can rescue us.”

i call that “wise mind.”

i’ve got more to say ~ no surprise there, right?  Share your thoughts and reactions if you want to.  i’ll be back tomorrow.  🙂

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Winter Wickedness

6 Feb

Writing fast this morning – overslept a little, not surprising if you knew how little sleep i got over the weekend.  Wish i’d been able to take off work today, but it didn’t work out.  Anyhow.

Classes.  We went to classes first.  Miraculously, none of the classes i really wanted to go to were held during my volunteer time, which made me very happy.

So first we went to Mistress Jenn on impact play.  She demonstrated how to use hands and other body parts effectively.  It’s a type of play that i’ve never done ~ other than spanking, of course.

She spent some time on spanking, and ways to do it to get the best effect ~ which is both painful and erotic for the bottom  ~ um for the bottom’s bottom.  

But than she demonstrated how to kick in ways that are apparently erotic, and  did some wrestling kinds of moves.  That’s not my cup of tea ~ i’m too small, i think, and too old for sure, to be trying to fight any Doms.  But her sub, who was my size and maybe close to my age, appeared to enjoy it all.

i had seen a workshop on this kind of play once before, but it was more intense and seemed less designed for eroticism.   Mistress Jenn did demonstrate face slapping in a way that made it seem it could theoretically be not awful and traumatic, which is kind of cool.  

She had lots of interaction and demonstrations with people in the audience, and that’s always fun.

i did my volunteer shift next, and Sir brought us back lunch just as i was finishing.  It was nice eating together, talking about the class and people we’d seen, and just enjoying each other’s company.

Then we went to a class on Formal Training for submissives and slaves.   Sargent Major and slave riches taught that one, and it was a very old-school presentation.  

Sir and i both enjoyed it, although i don’t know that it has a lot of practical application for us.  He has no boots for me to black, and i don’t think He wants to teach me domestic skills.  i am already respectful ~ at least i think i am.

i can’t seem to remember to let Him open my car door, but that’s lack of habit, not lack of respect, or lack of desire to obey.

Anyhow, there was some good energy between Sargent Major and slave riches, and that was fun to experience.  It left a pleasant feeling between Sir and me, and reminded me that submission goes beyond play and beyond kink in some ways that we have not yet defined for us.

Then Sir went to meditate and i suppose do some yoga, and i went to a class on self-care ~ ways to enhance your own emotional well-being after the scene. That was good, and i’ll write more on it later.

Finally, Sir and i went to a class on rope.  The class focused on making rope a sensual and erotic experience rather than a practical exercise in knots.  Sir is already adept at this, but it was fun to watch.

Dinner at a Mexican restaurant, then closing remarks and the auction, which was fun.  Followed by time to primp for the play party.

i already posted pictures of what i wore around my neck and wrists…  Here are my very cute stockings

Except you can barely see the very cute bows on the back.  BUT my phone camera was not very cooperative, and it took us forever to even get a picture i could use.

i wore a simple, strapless black dress, in a silky material, with a bit of a flounce at the bottom of the skirt, but i took my black cape for when it got cold in the dungeon.  Sir was strikingly handsome in black dress pants and a dress shirt that was a deep purple with narrow white stripes.  

It was lovely just to be with Him, and i felt proud that He’s my Sir.

Got to go shower NOW.  Stay tuned for tales of the dungeon tomorrow…

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Preview…

5 Feb

He had made rope shackles for my wrists.

And a collar for my neck.

Details to follow…

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Yes…

4 Feb

Yes, we made it safely to Where-the Event-Is.  And Sir said i was a good driver, and not particularly like a pace car driver.  {So there, ‘Nilla.}

Yes, we’re having fun.

It is trickier using a computer with leather, fur-lined cuffs on than you might think.  The thickness is disconcerting, and the loose end of the strap gets in the way.  But having been required to sleep in them, i’m pretty sure i’m not supposed to jump out of bed and take them off.

i’m writing this from the social area, along with a few other early risers ~ although much later than my usual blogging time.

Last night is a blur of images and sensations…

Rope. 

Wrapped around my chest, between my legs, raising my breasts, pressing against me, making me wet….

Arms suspended above me, attached to a wooden frame.

Legs spread wide.

And canes.  My ass burning as the canes land, flesh already warm and pink from His hand.

Then the nipple clamps, pinching ~ mmmm ~  ahhhh!  The pain ebbs and flows, distracted by my stinging ass, His hand in my hair, His mouth…

Sensations.

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On Your Mark…Get Ready…

3 Feb

It is THE DAY.  

Just a few hours and we’ll be on the road.  

Tonight,  we’ll be in a dungeon with a bunch of half-naked people.   Floggers and whips.  Rope.

i’m so excited, i just about can’t stand it.

But i’m very much at the “get ready” point ~~ i’m not packed, still need to do my Nia thing, get my cats supplied with enough food and clean litter boxes, not to mention prepping myself ~ showering, shaving, and so on…

The cats are worried and restless, rubbing against me, getting under my feet.  They know what’s coming.

So why am i sitting here reading OPB’s and writing this post?  i should already be running around being busy.  

But there’s something magical about this moment.

Liminal time.  Betwixt and between.

i’ve already turned my focus away from home things ~ work, volunteer things, even family are all slipping away.  

My mind is turning toward my Sir and the weekend.   Stretched out before us like a blank slate, it is pure possibility.

Once i start moving for real, i will have begun to paint on the canvas.  Making choices that begin to shape the weekend.  

So i linger here, playing blues on YouTube, savoring the moment.

http://youtu.be/GTHt8oC5BF8

But in a minute here ~ just another minute or two ~ it will all begin.  Swept into a whirlwind that will take me places i cannot predict or control.

Get ready.  Get set ~~~

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My Toes…A Work of Art

2 Feb

Here they are:

Managed to work in time to get them done last night – you probably can’t tell in the picture, but they are a little sparkly.  And definitely slut red.

It was a very mundane pedicure, no hot rocks, no cucumber slices, not even any paraffin, which i love, but it did the job.  And i got to watch a nature special on crocodiles. 

One more day ~ only one more day til Winter Wickedness!!  This time tomorrow, i’ll be running around half crazy trying to get ready.

There are other things i need to blog about ~ visit Jumping on In here, please, to learn about Bloggers United for Human Rights and Women’s Reproductive Rights Day.  February 15th is a time for us bloggers to speak out on this issue, and i’ll be writing about it soon.  But for now, check it out on Sfp’s blog.  Please.

And of course i’ll be writing about Winter Wickedness ~ woohoo!!

The other thing on my mind today is some blog posts i’ve been reading that suggest that submissive women are really expressing a need to be treated the way we were back in the 1950’s ~ or at least the way we think it was back in the ’50’s and early ’60’s.  

That distresses me.  A lot.

That “submission” back then wasn’t consensual.  It was a whole different thing… at least i think it was.  Maybe your kink is a ’50’s lifestyle, complete with believing women can’t manage on their own, ’cause we’re really incapable of it.  When we were sent to college to get our “MRS” and being a teacher was just about the only acceptable career.

Back to the days when a woman wasn’t considered a success unless she had a man.  Wasn’t complete as a person without a man.  Back when any man was better than no man.

If that’s your kink, fine.  It’s your life.  That’s not what my submission looks like.  And it bothers me when the implication is that this is just a natural state for women.

i think i have more to say on that, but i gotta go take the garbage to the street.  Exercise.  Get ready for work.  Another day… And tomorrow will be here soon!!  Woohoo!

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Making a List…

31 Jan

…checking it twice, gonna find out who’s naughty and ni ~~~~~ 

~ ~~  O.  Hi, there.  No, not that kind of list.  Yes, i know i can’t sing, sorry.  

No, my list of things to do, things to pack.  My Winter Wickedness list.

~ Get my nails done ~ i’m starting to worry about when i’m going to have time to do that.  i’m having dinner with Sir tonight ~~

Yes, YAY!!!  That’s a little celebration all by itself.  His work has eased up, for the moment anyhow, and dinner is in my cards for the evening.  

But that means by the time i get off work, this won’t be a productive evening, probably.   Not complaining,  just saying.

  Ok, what else?

~ Pick up jeans i had shortened.  They won’t be ready til Wednesday, so i’ll have to do that Wednesday night, cause if i wait til after work Thursday, i don’t get off til 7:00, and they’ll be closed.  And by the time i get out there and get the jeans, will it be too late to get my nails done?  

Sigh, i don’t know.  i gotta work the nails in somewhere.  It’ll have to be Wednesday, Thursday night gets too late too fast.  Ok, jeans and nails Wednesday.

~ Pack, i have to pack.  Which means i have to:

~ Do laundry.  For one person who doesn’t have that many clothes in the first place, it seems like all i ever do is laundry.  But there it is.  More laundry.

~ Decide what to wear.  This is the worst.  Or the best.   And really, i just need to talk to Sir about it tonight, because i think He’ll have preferences, so there’s not much point in me wondering about it now.  

What else?  Well, this morning i need to go straighten up around here ~ straighten, not clean ~ cause my house keeper is coming today.  {Yay!}

O ~

~ Clean out my car!  That’s a big one.  i’m driving, which is cool, but my car tends to be on the, um, messy side.  And sometimes, when i’m having passengers, i just shove everything in the trunk.

But, we’re gonna use the trunk, so that has to be unpacked first, so to speak.  Of course, i can always do that Friday morning.  “Last minute” is my middle name.  

And yes, i really am just kinda talking to myself here, so i guess i’d better get back to work…

….making a list, checking it twice….

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How Much Happy?

24 Jan

How much happy can i contain??

Like a big soup pot of happiness, we just keep throwing more stuff into the mix, and it just gets better.  Last night, his birthday dinner with his kids was lots of fun.

Sitting next to each other in the booth holding hands, or with His hand on my thigh, or His arm around me…  Well, when He wasn’t actually eating that is.  

i like that.  The physical contact we have, even when it’s casual, not even sexual, not even kinky, just there.  Solid.  When we walk, He takes my hand, and it is just right.  Not too tight, not too loose, just right.

So He liked what i got Him, which was not anything exciting, just a couple of gift certificates, but they had meaning to us.  One, of course, was to Starbucks ~ had to be, right?  The other was to the restaurant where we had our first date, which is a favorite of His.  

i wrote a birthday poem to go with them, with little illustrations, and i think He got a kick out of that.  

And i gave him a future gift.  It’s the book of His choice, something He’d like for us to read together.  It can be kinky or not.  We might find it among the vendors at Winter Wickedness, or shop at a bookstore, or look on Amazon.  Whatever book He’d like for us to share.

But here’s the cool part ~ for me.  He likes this stuff.  Really.  The meaning of it all, not just the gift.  i did little clip art stuff in the card i made ~ and He liked that, not just in a humoring me, o, isn’t aisha cute way, but for real.  

i don’t know how to explain it.  Like ~

~ like it meant what i wanted it to mean.  Like He gets it.  Gets me.

And He liked the book idea.  It surprised Him; it intrigued Him.  It pleased Him.

After dinner, we came back to my house, sat in the kitchen and talked.  Planning for Winter Wickedness.  Talking about our kids.  Just talking. 

Just happy.

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WW Classes List is Here!!

21 Jan

Here to be exact.

Can i tell you how excited i am????

No.  ‘Cause there are no words for it.  Sorry.

Two weeks from tonight, we’ll be there.   Not just me ~ WE.  Me and Sir, hanging out at the kink event.  How cool is that?  {Happy dance, happy dance, happy dance…}

i already know which classes i want to take.  If you didn’t already look at the list, go look now.  http://adventuresinsexuality.org/WICKED2012_class_list.html

i’ll wait…

Which ones did you like?

Now i got to think about what clothes to take.  Something to wear the first night.  The second night.  Something for dinner, something for the play party.

Something for during the day to wear to class ~ that’s the easiest.  Layers ~ jeans, probably, and my pink “Got Consent?” t-shirt, my pale lavender jacket-thing-y, although that might not be heavy enough… hmmm… maybe a sweatshirt too, just in case.  For some reason, it gets real cold in the classrooms sometimes.  Cute shoes or comfortable shoes???  O, comfortable i guess.  Or i might need to go shoe shopping…

One of my black dresses for the buffet Saturday night maybe.

Ok, i can’t think about that anymore.

i wonder if Sir’s looked at the class list yet.  i’m betting He wants to take the rope one.  Of course i could be wrong.

***************************

Started this last night, which is good, cause i totally overslept this morning, and if i don’t post now, i don’t know when i will.  

Sir has looked at the class list – he wants to do the rope one and the flogging one.  And you need a partner for them – omg, that’s going to be soooo much fun.

And now i’m out of here.  

Smiling…

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