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Still Ticking…

9 Feb

Yesterday was a difficult day.  Still a little sub-droppy, doing my on-call for jails and had to do two runs – separately – spending three and a half hours on the road running back forth.   After my regular work day.

And, as Sin has pointed out, on-call week makes me kind of angst-y anyhow.

And at work yesterday, it seemed like there was a little more sad-painful than usual.  Usually, i can absorb it and  be ok.  But yesterday, there were a couple of times i was on the verge of tears.

One of those times, i wasn’t the only staff person tearing up, so it wasn’t just me, it really was a heavy load of sad-painful.  But still.

Fortunately, i know that talking about it helps ~ just telling the story of whatever bothered me to someone else begins to dissipate the weight of it.

And ~ in honesty ~ i was thinking about mouse and Omega.  Not in any kind of negative way, just trying to stretch my own understanding, and reaching out to them ~ sending positive energy through the universe in their direction.

Even though i don’t know what direction that is.  laughing… but the universe knows where they are.

Thank goodness, Sir and i were still able to have dinner together, in between jail runs.

Being with Him supports me, lets me lean.  He doesn’t have to do anything particular. Just His presence, the way He listens, His smile ~ those things are enough to make me feel good.

The way He touches me.

So when i finally get home, and put myself to bed, i have this sense of connection to Him.  It’s like ~

~~ it’s like my heart is open, and there’s an invisible thread that runs from me all the way across town to Him.   

O, yeah.  i guess it’s not a frigging invisible thread.  It’s rope, isn’t it?

Laughing… it’s rope that connects us.  All the way across town.

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Thud

8 Feb

Did you hear that?  

Last night ~ that thud?  

Yeah.

It was me, dropping from the high i’d been on since the weekend.  Landing with a solid thud.

No, i’m ok.  No real damage.  Just a dent in my bubble of happy.

i was sitting here last night, feeling all cranky and out of sorts, wondering what the hell was wrong with me, when i realized ~ of course!  Two-three days after an event ~~

sub-drop.

It wasn’t quite a crash this time.  Just a thud.  Landed on my butt, i think.  No damage done.

For a minute, i was annoyed with my Sir.  i told Him this would happen!  i asked Him not to be out of touch today!

But He wasn’t actually “out of touch” ~ He just wasn’t very communicative.   Maybe He’s having a touch of Dom-drop.  They say it happens.

In any case, i managed to acknowledge my feelings.  Yes, i’m a little blue.

No, it’s not so much fun being at home as it was being at a kink event with Sir.  All that adrenaline high, all the extra dopamine and serotonin floating around in my system is pretty much gone.

i’m back to my regular, mundane life, surrounded mostly by Muggles.

And that’s ok.  

It helps that i will see Sir tonight.  Helps that i’m in a relationship that i feel secure about.  Helps that He wasn’t completely out of touch yesterday.

In the words of my favorite reggae artist, i can tell myself ~ “Don’t worry ’bout a thing.  ‘Cause every little thing, gonna be alright…”

(Yes, i had to include it here…}

But it has not always been this easy for me, and may not always be this smooth.  In fact, i may think i’m sliding through this sub-drop now and discover at some point that i’m really not.  

But it ties in nicely with the theme of aftercare and responsibility for our own emotions, doesn’t it?  

i can never decide if i love it or hate it when i’m talking about something, and then it happens ~ when i get to live it instead of talking theory.  Anyhow ~~

SherynB has written a couple of pieces on aftercare.  One of them, she did about three years ago ~  “The Cult of Aftercare.”  If you’re on fetlife, you can find it here:

It was apparently misinterpreted by lots of people, because she wrote a follow-up called “Aftercare??  Seriously??” which is over here:

They’re both excellent.  And you know i’ve got more to say about them, and will be saying it in the next few days.  

i really appreciate the comments i got yesterday.  i want to respond thoughtfully, and  i’m trying to move at my own pace today.   Trying to be gentle with myself.  So be patient with me, please.

Sir is coming to my house tonight, i have straightening up to do and need to get to work early and all that usual stuff.

So i’ll leave you with this quote from SherynB:

“If you are going to ask somebody to play with your pain, your fears, your phobias, your self-esteem, your core emotional identity…you need to have done some work of your own, and be prepared to do more.”

Food for thought, isn’t it?

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Monday, Monday…

28 Nov

It’s raining – again – still.  Better than snow, but good grief, it feels like it’s been grey forever.

 

This is going to be a potpourri of thoughts and ideas.  

i went to the Fourth Sunday munch last night, which was fun, but i had two cups of coffee.  That gave me lots of late night energy, not that i got anything constructive done, but i was up late.

Didn’t sleep well.  Didn’t want to get up.  Don’t want to exercise.  Don’t want to go to work.

Sigh.

But i had a good time at the Munch last  night.  Sat with Ms. Constance and Drew, and enjoyed talking to them.   Drank coffee and had a spinach salad.

Ms. Constance is talking about starting a blog, which would be very cool.  i hope she does!

i talked to Mr. Michael some too.  He runs the munch these days, which is a challenging task, i imagine.  He and i are Facebook friends now and he posts links to many articles connected to kink and BDSM.  Interesting stuff.  

Here’s one that links to an article Midori wrote on “What Every Submissive Needs to Know Before They Play.”   

http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/sex/what-every-submissive-should-know-1121111/

It’s interesting, and well done, and i wonder if it would have been better if i’d read something similar back in my early days of kink.  On the other hand, a certain amount of wandering directionless is actually ok with me.  And fortunately, i was just old and mature enough that i didn’t make any irremediable mistakes.

Well, not yet anyhow.

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
~~ Bob Marley

Hmmm.  Am i just a wee bit sub-drop-y here?  Or maybe it’s just Monday morning blues after a long weekend.

Besides, now that i think about it, i did read articles like that.  i just didn’t quite know how to process the information.  Or maybe i did… Whatever.

i read an interesting blog post here  by acquiexence on burnout with the world of kink.  i can certainly understand how she feels, although i don’t think i’ve gotten too lost in it all.  But “too lost” is awfully subjective. 

i think that when i’m interested in something, i tend to get lost in it.  Wallow in it.  Wander aimlessly.  Almost get swallowed up.

Then i pull back.  Try to assimilate the things i’ve learned.  Reclaim who i am, separate my self back out.  It’s a process.  Maybe that’s the same process acquiexence is going through.

There’s a book called Go to the Widowmaker by James Jones that i read when i was in college.  That book helped me learn to recognize that process in myself, which has been helpful over the years.

Which is not to say it’s comfortable when i’m in the middle of it.  Or even that i remember it’s a process.

And, i think this is a very rambling, unfocused post, and i should stop now before it gets any worse.

Maybe definitely some sub-drop here.  Damn, i hate that.

Ok.  i’ll be better tomorrow.  Probably.  If not tomorrow, the next day. 

If not the next day, someday.

Right?

Laughing…  i know, i know.  i need to remember:

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Subspace?

17 Sep

Sweet Girl  left this interesting comment on my post yesterday:

“I do have one question though; when you write “The collar goes on ~ a leather one tonight, He fastens it around me and i feel myself move deeper into subspace.” Do you mean a deeper submissive mindset? Surely you can’t go into subspace from the application of a collar (lovely as it is!),without the physical impact that’s not possible is it? (Genuine question -not criticism! It’s just that I’ve seen ppl write that before, and personally i have a hard time imagining it, after all it is a chemical reaction…Again, just wondering what you actually meant.)

And that gave me pause.  What did i mean?  And what does she mean “it’s a chemical reaction?” 

So i pondered it yesterday.

This morning, i googled it ~ BDSM subspace chemical reaction.  If you decide to google it, make sure you put BDSM or you’ll get articles on the mathematical term “subspace,” which is not so helpful.

i won’t pretend that i read every article that came up ~ there are lots of them.  i skimmed a few, glanced over a few more.  Some of them have detailed descriptions of how the process works, involving adrenaline and endorphins and enkephalins.

But the articles seemed to all be from a bdsm perspective ~ someone’s blog or an article someone wrote without any references.  One of the articles says:

Note: The author is the chairman of the POWERotics Foundation, an organization dedicated to providing reliable information to and about the BDSM community. This article is a team effort by the POWERotics team and includes input from medical professionals and psychologists. In fact, this is a “summary” of several much more in depth articles.

 But i couldn’t find the other articles, or the resources used.  No cites, no links.

You know, my mama raised me to question.  That particular article says, quite definitively, that you can’t have an orgasm while you’re in subspace.

First of all, i don’t know that anybody can say that kind of thing definitively.  But if you’re gonna say it, i want to see the actual research.  

i’m not even saying the research doesn’t exist.   Maybe there’s a sexual lab somewhere with scientists measuring degrees of subspace, then getting out the Hitachi to try to induce orgasm.  

{‘Nilla – doesn’t that sound like fun story material?  Maybe some of our subsisters and brothers would want to volunteer to participate too!}

Ok, seriously ~ and Sweet Girl, i’m not trying to make light of the question ~ but seriously, i want to see the research.

Other articles were just people’s blogs talking about what they thought ~ some of which, i bet they got from the “scientific” article ~ or other people’s blogs.   

So i’m gonna go way out on a limb here and say that the most reliable information we have about “subspace” is speculation and opinion.  And i can speculate and opine as well as anyone.

It makes sense to say subspace is a chemical reaction ~ everything we do involves chemical reactions in the brain.  It makes sense to say it involves adrenaline.

Adrenaline arouses.  It’s floods the body when we’re stressed or feel like we’re in danger, speeds up breathing, heart rate and so on as part of the fight-or-flight response.  it also works when we’re excited – think roller coasters.

When adrenaline’s pumping, you’re speeded up, everything’s focused on the trigger that aroused you.  You’re not thinking things through logically cause your body is prepared to react quickly .  All systems are alerted and aroused {not in a sexual sense, per se.}

Endorphins and enkephalins are the body’s natural pain killers.  

So, if you put the two together – heightened arousal and awareness and “feel good” chemicals ~

~ whew. 

How cool is that?

It accounts for what we tend to agree on ~ that when you’re in subspace you’re not able to think clearly and logically.   Adrenaline rushes shut down the executive functioning of the brain, the center of logical thinking and judgement.  

The pain-killer part explains why we seek it out, why we enjoy it instead of perceiving it as a panic attack.

Logically, that makes sense to me, that those chemicals would be involved in subspace.  So i’ll accept that.  

If you google these terms, you’ll find support for what i’m saying here, but more importantly, you can consult a textbook and find the same general information.  {I know, that’s not well cited, but when i googled it, i wasn’t impressed with the references i found.}

So, ok, subspace is a biochemical reaction.  Beyond that, i think we get to define what we believe about it and what our experience of it is like.

And i was going to do exactly that this morning, but i’m out of time.   i’ll come back to it either later today or tomorrow.  In the meantime ~

~~  what’s subspace like for you?  What do you mean when you use that term?  

Leave a comment describing it, or link to your blog if you need more space and want to write about it.  You can put the link in a comment over the next few days and i’ll link to your links in my posts if you like.  Or send it to me via email ~ aisha.hisservant@gmail.com ~ and i’ll post it.  

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Sub Yoyo

7 Mar

That’s right – up and down like a frigging yoyo.  

i was doing pretty ok yesterday, had my daughter over for dinner, life was fine – and then –

i realized that i had missed a banquest Saturday night.  It was something i wanted to do.  Something i do every year.  Something that’s important to me. 

And i just missed it.  i knew it was coming, but i didn’t have it on my calendar.  And i didn’t get around to finding the ticket – i ran across it last night when i was clearing a little stack of papers on the kitchen table.

Too late.

Saturday night, i was reading other people’s blogs, thinking about whether or not to go to the munch.  Well, then i had a jail call, but that wouldn’t have kept me from going to the banquet.

i know it’s not the fault of D/s that i missed it.  

It’s my fault cause i get all caught up in kink and ~

~ i think i’ve been neglecting the rest of my life. 

Dishes in the sink.  Laundry piles up.  Lately, i go two or three days without exercising cause i run out of time in the morning.

None of which is the end of the world and neither is missing the banquet but..

i feel a little bit like Brooke  in her latest post.  She talks about feeling guilty, about a split in her worlds, and even though i normally don’t feel that way at all – not at all- right now i do. 

i feel like i’ve let myself get all out of balance.  

And then i IM’ed with MoR last night and i was going to tell Him about it, and instead we started talking about something completely different.  Which was fine, but then we ended up talking about my psychological Achilles heel.  

You know, we all have them, those places where the childhood psychic injuries didn’t quite heal.   Complexes.  Where the wrong word sends us -sends me – into an emotional tailspin. 

i reacted – cause i was in that emotional tailspin, and at that moment, i don’t know how to NOT react.  So from there we argued, which was not what i wanted to do, and now He thinks i fly off the handle easily – which would be laughable – i’m totally not like that – and yet…

there i was last night – flying off the handle.

So i’m out of sorts.  Pissed at myself about the banquet.  It’s not that i let other people down – i let myself down.  i love that banquet.

And MoR thinks i’m some nut who’s got anger managemet problems… Ok, no, He didn’t say that.  {laughing}  i pretty much made that up, i think.  But He does think i overreact and ~

well, maybe i do, maybe i did. 

So now i have to write Him an e-mail explaining what the story is on that ~ why that particular topic leads me to such a strong reaction.  Ok, no, i don’t have to, but He told me to, and i want to.

Because really, isn’t that what i asked the universe for?  A Dom who would help me grow?  So i can’t bitch when the universe sends me what i asked for.

And i need to get my life back in check.  Do dishes every night instead of waiting til the next day.  Exercise every day.  Eat less, exercise more.  i’ve gained 10 pounds, guys.  10 pounds. And i didn’t need to gain ANY.

Keep up with my calendar.  i need to put appointments and stuff in right away, not think i’ll get around to it later.

And get to work on time.  But that’s another story.

Basically – bottom line – i need to adjust my life a little to be in balance.  Right now, i’m out of balance on all kinds of levels.  Tears are just lying under the surface, waiting to erupt. 

And i HATE to cry.  i’d rather take a beating. 

O, wait –

laughing –

that’s right, i kind of like the whole “beating” thing.   

So on that note – i need to go e-mail MoR and exercise and so on and on and on…  But i’ll just mention that, yes, there might be a touch of subdrop here… and you know, that’s no fun either.

Grumble, grumble…

And i know.  This too shall pass.

Sigh…

 

 

   

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Going Home

18 Oct

So i hadn’t been on the expressway 10 minutes, on my way home, before i started to get the blues.  i could feel my heart drooping.  Sheesh.  Apparently, all my insights fly out the window in the face of reality…

But i rallied, because, you know, there’s no point in talking about dealing with something, unless you’re going to do it.  Unless i’m going to do it.  So i remembered this one moment, just a few hours earlier, that i felt happy.  Deeply happy.  Perfectly happy.  i held onto that moment.

i listened to music i like and sang.  Loudly.

When i got home, i went to the park and walked for over an hour.  That should get those endorphins pumping.  (Did you know – the human brain is hard-wired to find pleasure in 3 things.  Guess what they are.  Yes, food.  Yes, sex.  And – drumroll – exercise!)

i had a nice salad for dinner – lettuce, baby carrots, cherry tomatoes, avocado, grapes, slices of strawberries, feta cheese, and cinnamon almonds, with Raspberry Pecan dressing.  And a glass of white wine.  One glass.

When i go to bed tonight, i’ll get out “Big Blue” (not to be confused with “feeling blue.”)  A little recreation before i fall asleep should help me sleep well.

And i think about this quote i ran across the other day:

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
— Dr. Seuss

From Dr. Seuss!  Who’dda  thought he knew anything about subs spiraling down into subdrop?   {Laughing}

But i don’t think i’m spiraling down any more either.  Really, i’m just not going to do it.  And if i do, i’ll handle it, cause it’s ok to feel what i feel.  Right?

 After i got home last night, i saw all the responses to my post yesterday, and was amazed and touched.  You know, i used to read the NY Times on-line in the morning.  Now, my little community of blogger friends has become so important to me, i can’t imagine mornings without you.   Thank you all so much for being who you are!!!

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