Archive | September, 2011

The Path of Service and Mastery

21 Sep

The third spiritual path of BDSM that Raven talks about is the Path of Service and Mastery.  There is so much here that speaks to me.  He says,

Service is about attitude, about learning to give yourself a good attitude about whatever you’re doing.  It’s about joyful service, not service done with”murmuring in the heart.”

This idea actually comes from the rule of the Benedictine monks, which describes how to be a good monk.  Raven says that Joshua studied this rule as part of his training, as part of his learning how he was going to serve.

i’m a little bit familiar with St. Benedict’s rule for his monks, so this was easy to imagine.  For example, the chapter  on obedience starts out:   

“The first degree of humility is obedience without delay.”

And how often do we talk about that?   Isn’t that often a basic expectation for the sub?  Further on in the chapter, Benedict says:

“But this very obedience
will be acceptable to God and pleasing to all
only if what is commanded is done
without hesitation, delay, lukewarmness, grumbling, or objection.”

There’s much, much more about the Path of Service, but i want to look at the Path of Mastery a minute.  Benedict says:

However, just as it is proper 
for the disciples to obey their master, 
so also it is his function 
to dispose all things with prudence and justice.

Raven says the Path of Mastery invovles motivation, that the Master scrutinizes every order He gives to be sure it comes from “a clean place.”  To be sure it’s not vengeful, petty or self-serving.

Of course it can be “self-serving” in the sense of being what the Master wants.   In the lifestyle, we agree that serving the Master’s wants is a reasonable goal.

But it needs to be “cleanly from there.”  So ~ without hidden agendas or secret motives.  

i think this means that the Master has to be very clear with himself or herself what he or she actually wants.  i think it takes tremendous strength of character to be this kind of Master.

Anyone who wants to call himself a Dom or a Master needs to have a certain level of integrity.  Needs to be able to control himself and act rationally.  But someone on this spriitual path is actively working to increase their ability to ~ as Raven says ~ act from the right motives ~ or from clear motives.

The example that comes to my mind is my ex-husband, not the first one, but the second (and last) one, who was {maybe} a Dom.  One of the last things he said to me was, “All those {kinky} things  we did?   I didn’t want to do them.  I just did them to please you.”

That’s the ultimate muddy motivation.  He’s whipping me with a riding crop without warm-up or after care strictly for my pleasure?   Then, um, don’t do it.  Please.  That wasn’t a necessary part of my kink ~ and he knew that.

In fact, he was lying.  Believe me, i know this.  i think he’d started telling that lie to himself because he couldn’t face his own sadistic part.

Ms. Constance says that it is often very difficult for a Dom or Master to recognize that there is a part of His “self” that enjoys inflicting pain on someone else.  That this maybe more difficult than accepting that i kinda like receiving pain.

That makes perfect sense to me.

In my mind, Master and slave, Dom and sub, are on parallel paths that criss-cross but are not the same.  So the Master is working on knowing and mastering himself as much as being Master to his slave.

The slave or sub is working on learning to obey, rather than to agree.  

Agreeing is what we do at first.  He gives me an order and i {quickly} decide if it’s something i’m willing to do.  If it is, then i do it.

When i learn to obey, i do it without weighing out whether it’s right or wrong.  Without that split second of deciding.  i just do it.

i think it’s perfectly reasonable to agree at first.  It takes tremendous trust to truly obey.  And ~i don’t think everyone who calls himself Sir or Master is worthy of being obeyed.

But agreeing is not obeying.  Obeying comes from a deeper place of trust.

Last night, i was hog-tied.  i agreed to it.

He had not told me to get my mat.  

He put the rope harness on me first, it wraps around my hips, between my legs, the rope pulled snug, and back up to my waist.

Then, “Lie down,” He says, “Face down on the wood floor.”

It’s a quick pause ~ can i do this?  will i do this?

Then yes, of course i do, and it looks quick, i think, but the pause is there.  And that’s ok.

Once i’m lying face down on the floor ~ and how odd that feels!  He ties my hands behind my back.  And then, attaching to the rope at my hips on the way, connects my hands to my feet.

After checking to make sure i’m comfortable, well, not comfortable, but ok, He tells me to take a little time to think about the fact that i’m hog-tied face down on a hard, wood floor.   To ponder what that means about my submission.

He turns away and i don’t know what He’s doing, but with my face down on the floor, i do as i’m told and think about what it means.

At first, i’m kind of wiggly.  It’s not very comfortable, and i’m squirming a little bit, which makes the rope running between my legs move, and that’s not all bad either.

But i think about what it means, that i’m lying here like this, how it feels in my body to be restrained this way, and as i do, my body grows still.  

i notice this, and feel myself relaxing into it.  

All of my body ~ my arms which had felt strained, my legs and hips, even my neck ~ relaxes into it.

It is that open, receptive feeling ~ that big  “ahhhhh, yes,”  of submission.

The next time He gives a command like that, there will be less agreeing and a little more of obeying.  It takes time ~ it should take time.  But He is moving me that way.

There’s more ~ much more ~ to say ~ tomorrow.  

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Ritual Catharsis

20 Sep

Raven says the second spiritual path of BDSM is Ritual Catharsis.  That the TTWD can be used in a ritual way to create healing.

He talks about structuring the scene symbolically, and about using a prayer to the four directions.  This is one of my favorite ways to pray, or to begin  a ceremony ~ we use it at church occasionally, and in the couple of rituals that i’ve created, i started with that.

i use a Lakota version, and add Father Sky and Mother Earth to the four directions.

Raven uses a version with symbolism that i hadn’t heard before.

The north stood for earth ~ the warrior’s gate ~ the rite of passage.

The east was winds ~ air ~ trust~ the jumping off spot.

The south was fire ~ fear.

And the west was humiliation ~ being stripped to our deepest self.

In any case, that is a beginning that grounds me and opens me to the universe at the same time.

Raven talks about humiliation play as a way of stripping ourselves to our most basic, essential self.  That part of ourselves that remains when all the trappings we clothe ourselves in are gone.

i like that perspective.  i think there is always an element of humiliation in our play, but haven’t understood having that as a main fetish, particularly in the extremes some people take it to.

When i think of it as stripping away the layers of protection that make us who we are,  uncovering our deepest self in the process,  it makes more sense.

i think that Raven is talking about very specifically structured rituals that help us process the emotions we feel during BDSM activities.  and {laughing…} i can’t tell from my notes whether he’s only talking about planned rituals, or whether he also means the rituals that we create within relationships.

But i think that a big part of TTWD is an effort to heal ~ and to help our partner heal.  Doesn’t have to be past abuse we’re healing from, although many of us are. It doesn’t have to be the sub who needs healing, it may be the Master.  It may be both.

i think this is also true in vanilla relationships ~ i think we’re all trying to heal and grow all the time.  i think BDSM relationships are better designed for some types of healing.

One of the ways we try to heal is by “re-doing.”  So if you’re a man who had a bossy, domineering mother, you may marry a woman very much like that.   If you’re a woman with an abusive, controlling  father, you may marry a very controlling, abusive man.

We don’t do this by mistake, really, we do it because we’re trying to retell the story, with a different ending.  We believe, in a wordless, hidden way, that this relationship will be different.

The underlying message is “i couldn’t do it right with Mom/Dad, i couldn’t get my needs met, but with this person, i can.”

The problem, of course, is that it often doesn’t end differently.  Often, we still can’t get our needs met.  And so we repeat the process with someone else, looking for that different ending.

There’s a quote that labels that insanity, doing the same thing and expecting different results.  But it’s a lot easier to see that from the outside.

i think that TTWD gives us a chance to relive the experience AND process the feelings ~ which we don’t get to do in abusive situations.  One key element of abuse is that it’s not safe to feel your feelings.

So we dissociate, go away in our heads.  Yesterday, in a comment, Angel described the difference between dissociation and subspace.  She said:

“When i cannot tell any longer what is me, or you, or us, or the tool you are using and we are all one…then its a spiritual act…because we are all One.

Time stands still.

i am a part of the light in the room, the cross i am bound to, the people watching, the glint in her eyes, the pride he feels. i am all of these things….the polar opposite of dissociation.

Dissociation says i am none of these things and that i am not me, not present.

Subspace says i am all of these things and am fully open and fully present.

Sometimes, indeed–often–i am just a willing vessel, no more and no less.”

i love that description. 

So abuse says, “Don’t feel your feelings; don’t talk about it.”

BDSM says, “Feel it all, talk about it all.”

When you do that, you are living in a safe space, and you begin to heal.

Raven said that for a Master who had an abusive childhood, the healing may be about discovering that He can express that sadistic part of himself and still be loved and accepted.  That struck me as a powerful gift that subs can offer.

It made me think of Mouse and Omega, over at A Slave’s Tale.  i think that Mouse’s consistent love for Omega through all kinds of circumstances have had a powerful impact on him and on their relationship.  {Hoping you don’t mind me saying so, Mouse…}

And in a way, isn’t that a sub fantasy?  It’s one of mine anyhow, to bring love to the person i care about.  To transform our lives by what we create between us.

Sigh…

So if i make this personal ~ one of the things that i still struggle with is having been rejected by my Dad.   He rejected me on a couple of different levels, and sometimes it seems like all i ever do is frigging seek healing from that.

The real answer, of course, is that i have to find the “Dad” within myself.  That i have to learn to father myself.  But the road to that is through my relationships with other people, other men.

It is {i think} the reason it’s so difficult for me to tolerate periods of time without hearing from the Dom i’m interested in.  i think it’s what makes me feel so frigging needy in a relationship.

i learned to be ok without my Dad {really i did} and to not expect him to be there for me. He was sporadic enough that it took me a long time to figure it out.  But i learned that i was better of  without any hope for that relationship.  

i think one of the lessons TTWD has for me is that it’s ok to lean, ok to expect someone to be there.  i think that i reenact aspects of that relationship with the first man in my life, and i think about them and process them and heal.

But i might be wrong.

In any case, i am sure that it is about exposing the shadow side of our selves.  Uncovering the parts that we are ashamed of.   In the lifestyle, the parts we want to keep hidden are the ones that are revealed.

And there is a tremendous spiritual power in that experience.

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C.O.P.E. and Raven and Spirituality

19 Sep

This is a “Raven says” post, from his class at C.O.P.E. with his boy, Joshua.  It’s going to be sort of like a book report for about two or three parts, I think.  

So I won’t say “Raven says” every time I say something he said.  I’ll more likely say “i think” if it’s me speaking.  Here is his website again:

http://www.ravenkaldera.org/

And here we go.  Raven says:

There are three ways that the BDSM lifestyle and spirituality can connect.  These are:

1.  Sacred Pain

2.  Ritual Catharsis

3.  The Path of Service and Mastery

We know of lots of examples of “sacred pain,” Native American and African rituals often have an element of this, as does Catholicism with its self-flagellation for monks and nuns.  But they don’t typically mix sexuality with the pain.  {At least, not overtly.}

There are four ways that you can experience sacred pain mixed with sexuality that lead to growth.

A.  Altered States ~ this is not {i think} the same as subspace.  This may be what Sweet Girl was talking about though ~ when the experience of pain moves you into an altered state of mind.

How can you tell it’s spiritual? If it’s spiritual it transforms you, it becomes a tool that you use ~ the experience changes how you act or feel or what you believe.

Note:  this is not the same as dissociation ~ at least, i don’t think it is.   When you “go away in your head,” you’re not present for the experience, and, maybe more importantly, when you dissociate you are not transformed.  You escape the experience instead.

i’m assuming that Raven doesn’t think they’re the same either, since when he realized that Joshua was dissociating during pain play, he quit the practice with him.

B.  Bringing you back from an altered state.  So, the pain that creates an altered state is rhythmic and repetitive. Pain that brings you back is sharp, sudden, and usually unexpected.  It’s the BDSM equivalent of smacking someone when they’re hysterical.

C.  Offering to a Deity – pain can be an expression of sacrifice, with the Master acting as a stand-in for the deity, passing the energy on into the universe.

Raven talked a bit about what that means, for the Master to be a stand-in for the deity, but it ties in nicely with the thoughts i’ve had, that in some ways, our Doms and Masters are always stand-in’s for God.  

Of course, then that takes me to the belief that God is within each of us, so it’s just a matter of how we’re expressing our interactions with God… but then it gets too complex for me to sort out very well.  

Anyhow, the idea that God requires sacrifice and pain is clearly a part of Catholicism and some other traditions.  Back in the old days, when i was young, if you had some kind of pain the traditional advice was to “offer it up,” to offer up your own suffering to relieve the pain of others, mostly i think, of souls in purgatory.  {That wasn’t actually part of my personal traditions, not that explicitly, but i’ve read about it.}  

As i write this, i’m thinking that it’s almost like the opposite of healing touch ~ not because it’s anti-healing, but it works in an opposite way.

Instead of energy passing from the universe through the healer into the person receiving it, it passes from the person in pain, through the stand-in for the deity, and into the universe.   

D.  Breaks down walls, gets emotions out.  This makes me think of all the blogs i’ve read where the beating leads the sub to break down crying, and the sense of relief that goes with that.

i’ve never actually experienced that, but it’s an occasional fantasy.

So, going back a moment to the idea of a transfer of energy through pain, Raven says there are two ways this can work.

1.  Doer as magician ~ the one inflicting the pain senses and sends the energy.  So, if i understand Raven and my notes right, the person on the M side of the paddle is passing energy from the universe to the s side.

2.  “Done to” as the magician ~ the person on the receiving end of the paddle transforms the energy and sends it back into the universe.  The Master or Dom is the technician that drives that, that makes it happen, but the receiving person actually transforms the energy.

Whew.  That’s page one of my notes, and if it doesn’t make sense, i’m probably not remembering it right.

Whether you agree with it all or not, i appreciate the nice outline of ways to look at it.  For me, structuring my thinking helps bring clarity.  i can play with ideas better if they’re laid out cleanly in a form i understand.  And it makes it easier to discuss them.

Tomorrow, i’ll do BDSM as Ritual Catharsis ~ well, unless something happens in RL that is more important to me in the moment…

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Subspace for Me

18 Sep

When He puts the collar on me, it does something to me.  

The feeling of the material against my neck.  Whether it’s rope, a little stiff and rough, or leather, flexible and already broken in, it does something to me.

i am already a little on edge, because He is here, because we have finished dinner, because i have some idea what is coming next.  When He says, “Get your mat,” it ups the ante, i know it is time ~ let the games begin.

i know what to expect.  He has let me know some things that will happen each time, and my body is responding to the anticipation of what is coming.

i learn quickly, and the patterns feel engrained already.  My body trembles with anticipation, and a touch of anxiety.

As i get the mat, everything else falls away.  The act of preparing it ~ laying it out on the ground, putting a towel over it ~ these physical movements increase my arousal.

i know some things that will happen; i don’t know other things.  i know the order  of the implements he will use on me.  i don’t know how long, or how hard, or how well i’ll take it.  

i know we’ll practice positions.  

i don’t know what other things He will ask of me, or whether i’ll please Him with my responses.

All of these things are floating in my mind somewhere, increasing my arousal.  It is arousal in the sexual sense, and also just arousal in the “adrenaline flowing” sense.  

i am ready to act, attuned to Him, wanting to respond.

As I lay out the mat, my awareness of my own physical being increases.  The movements involved in doing it.  The way my hands and arms work.  My leg muscles as i kneel, the movement of my breasts as i arrange the towel.  

i am already wet.  

i sit on the towel, and wait.  Not for long, but in that minute or two ~

~~ anticipation builds.  

My awareness of my body increases.

My mind grows still.  i am open and receptive.

 i am not thinking in words anymore; there are sensations and images in my mind, but mostly i am focused right here and now.

When He sits in front of me, my attention becomes completely His.  

“Kneel,” He says.  “Do you remember that position?”

i do, and i move smoothly and quickly, wanting to do it just right.

He picks up the collar, “Leather tonight,” He says, and i know how it will feel around my neck.  “Come here.”

i scoot forward on my knees and He smiles a little.

i know, because He has told me before, that once He puts the collar on me, He expects me to obey Him without question.  i am not thinking about that, but that knowing is there.

As He puts it around my neck, i feel something inside me shift.  It is a breaking open ~ i don’t know how else to describe it.

He claims me with the collar, and i respond by opening to Him.  My heart opens, my mind is totally focused on Him, totally receptive.

My spirit opens.

As He buckles the collar, pulls it tight, there is awareness of my breath.  Of vulnerability.   The tension up just a notch ~ instinctive, not afraid, but hyper alert.

When He settles the collar into place, everything in me is His, the shift is more profound.  i am transformed.  Focused, open, receptive, totally in the here and now…

He has claimed me, i am His.

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Subspace? (Part 1 & 1/2)

17 Sep

Donna, who writes for Under Contract to My Wife sometimes, sent me this information a while back.  i’ve been hanging on to it ’cause i knew it would come in handy someday, and today’s the day.

What she sent me comes from the following blog:

http://freethoughtblogs.com/pharyngula/2011/08/06/how-am-i-going-to-fit-an-mri-in-the-bedroom/

The research reference is here:

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn20770-sex-on-the-brain-what-turns-women-on-mapped-out.html?DCMP=OTC-rss&nsref=online-news

Here’s what Donna sent me:

How am I going to fit an MRI in the bedroom?

from Pharyngula by PZ Myers

Maybe you’ve seen this before: it’s a diagram of the sensory and motor cortex of the brain, with a little man or homunculus drawn over it to illustrate the somatic areas associated with each region. You see where the little man’s knee is on the left image of the sensory cortex? Stick an electrode in there and zap it, and a patient/victim will feel a sensation in his knee. Put the patient in an MRI and tickle his knee, and that region of the brain will light up. Cool, huh?

{Sorry, the diagram won’t copy onto the blog, you’ll have to go to the original post…}

Another cute feature: look in the medial longitudinal fissure. You see the homunculus’s toes, and right down there, located beyond the toes, is where the genital sensory area is located. Poke at that with an electrode and…we’re talking happy time at the Mad Scientists’ convention. But notice, though, that in the diagram of the homunculus, the poor creature’s genitals are drawn, and they’re male. It’s a bit sexist, don’t you think?

This bias has now been corrected.

a team led by Lars Michels at University Children’s Hospital in Zurich, Switzerland, used functional magnetic resonance imaging to confirm that the position of the clitoris on the homunculus was in approximately the same position as the penis in men. Barry Komisaruk at Rutgers University in Newark, New Jersey, and his colleagues have now used the same method to map the position of the clitoris, vagina and cervix on the sensory cortex as women stimulated themselves.

I read these things, and I think to myself that I really went into the wrong research field. Oh, well.

They also discovered something else.  

Komisaruk also checked what happened when women’s nipples were stimulated, and was surprised to find that in addition to the chest area of the cortex lighting up, the genital area was also activated. “When I tell my male neuroscientist colleagues about this, they say: ‘Wow, that’s an exception to the classical homunculus,’” he says. “But when I tell the women they say: ‘Well, yeah?’” It may help explain why a lot of women claim that nipple stimulation is erotic, he adds.

***********************************

Big scientific breakthrough, right?  Well, except for all of us who’ve been saying “there’s a direct line from my nipples to my pussy,” all these years.

Does the research make our experience more valid?  Not really, but it’s clearly more persuasive for those who haven’t experienced it.

i think our experiences and descriptions of subspace are equally valid, and i’m loving the comments on the first part of this.  If you haven’t read them yet, go back one post and check it out.  

More on this later…

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Subspace?

17 Sep

Sweet Girl  left this interesting comment on my post yesterday:

“I do have one question though; when you write “The collar goes on ~ a leather one tonight, He fastens it around me and i feel myself move deeper into subspace.” Do you mean a deeper submissive mindset? Surely you can’t go into subspace from the application of a collar (lovely as it is!),without the physical impact that’s not possible is it? (Genuine question -not criticism! It’s just that I’ve seen ppl write that before, and personally i have a hard time imagining it, after all it is a chemical reaction…Again, just wondering what you actually meant.)

And that gave me pause.  What did i mean?  And what does she mean “it’s a chemical reaction?” 

So i pondered it yesterday.

This morning, i googled it ~ BDSM subspace chemical reaction.  If you decide to google it, make sure you put BDSM or you’ll get articles on the mathematical term “subspace,” which is not so helpful.

i won’t pretend that i read every article that came up ~ there are lots of them.  i skimmed a few, glanced over a few more.  Some of them have detailed descriptions of how the process works, involving adrenaline and endorphins and enkephalins.

But the articles seemed to all be from a bdsm perspective ~ someone’s blog or an article someone wrote without any references.  One of the articles says:

Note: The author is the chairman of the POWERotics Foundation, an organization dedicated to providing reliable information to and about the BDSM community. This article is a team effort by the POWERotics team and includes input from medical professionals and psychologists. In fact, this is a “summary” of several much more in depth articles.

 But i couldn’t find the other articles, or the resources used.  No cites, no links.

You know, my mama raised me to question.  That particular article says, quite definitively, that you can’t have an orgasm while you’re in subspace.

First of all, i don’t know that anybody can say that kind of thing definitively.  But if you’re gonna say it, i want to see the actual research.  

i’m not even saying the research doesn’t exist.   Maybe there’s a sexual lab somewhere with scientists measuring degrees of subspace, then getting out the Hitachi to try to induce orgasm.  

{‘Nilla – doesn’t that sound like fun story material?  Maybe some of our subsisters and brothers would want to volunteer to participate too!}

Ok, seriously ~ and Sweet Girl, i’m not trying to make light of the question ~ but seriously, i want to see the research.

Other articles were just people’s blogs talking about what they thought ~ some of which, i bet they got from the “scientific” article ~ or other people’s blogs.   

So i’m gonna go way out on a limb here and say that the most reliable information we have about “subspace” is speculation and opinion.  And i can speculate and opine as well as anyone.

It makes sense to say subspace is a chemical reaction ~ everything we do involves chemical reactions in the brain.  It makes sense to say it involves adrenaline.

Adrenaline arouses.  It’s floods the body when we’re stressed or feel like we’re in danger, speeds up breathing, heart rate and so on as part of the fight-or-flight response.  it also works when we’re excited – think roller coasters.

When adrenaline’s pumping, you’re speeded up, everything’s focused on the trigger that aroused you.  You’re not thinking things through logically cause your body is prepared to react quickly .  All systems are alerted and aroused {not in a sexual sense, per se.}

Endorphins and enkephalins are the body’s natural pain killers.  

So, if you put the two together – heightened arousal and awareness and “feel good” chemicals ~

~ whew. 

How cool is that?

It accounts for what we tend to agree on ~ that when you’re in subspace you’re not able to think clearly and logically.   Adrenaline rushes shut down the executive functioning of the brain, the center of logical thinking and judgement.  

The pain-killer part explains why we seek it out, why we enjoy it instead of perceiving it as a panic attack.

Logically, that makes sense to me, that those chemicals would be involved in subspace.  So i’ll accept that.  

If you google these terms, you’ll find support for what i’m saying here, but more importantly, you can consult a textbook and find the same general information.  {I know, that’s not well cited, but when i googled it, i wasn’t impressed with the references i found.}

So, ok, subspace is a biochemical reaction.  Beyond that, i think we get to define what we believe about it and what our experience of it is like.

And i was going to do exactly that this morning, but i’m out of time.   i’ll come back to it either later today or tomorrow.  In the meantime ~

~~  what’s subspace like for you?  What do you mean when you use that term?  

Leave a comment describing it, or link to your blog if you need more space and want to write about it.  You can put the link in a comment over the next few days and i’ll link to your links in my posts if you like.  Or send it to me via email ~ aisha.hisservant@gmail.com ~ and i’ll post it.  

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Training?

16 Sep

We start with dinner ~ no, that’s not right.

We start with a hug, a hug and many kisses, standing with the front door still open. Just holding each other, kissing and nuzzling, til one of us says, “Ok. Ok, we’d better eat,”

And so we do. Sitting at the kitchen table. Carry out Italian ~ the classic sampler plate for him, salad for me. i put it on real plates so it looks like a real meal rather than fast food.

He enjoys it, and i do too, and we talk about stuff. The news. Our days.

And then He says, “Get your mat.”

i scurry to get it ~ my yoga mat, it is, and a towel to put over it. i know exactly where it goes, in the living room in front of the love seat. i’m glad that it’s getting some use, since i haven’t done a lick of yoga with it.

i sit on the mat when i’m waiting for Him, kneel on the mat when He’s talking to me. “Kneel” is the command, it is the classic position, rocked back on my heels, knees spread slightly, hands on my thighs, palms up. Back straight.

“Open” means to rise up on my knees, legs open wide, making myself accessible.

Then some clothes come off, some stay on. The collar goes on ~ a leather one tonight, He fastens it around me and i feel myself move deeper into subspace.

i offer wrists and ankles for the cuffs. Right one first, then the left.

He does a rope harness around my lower body, placing a knot right where it will rub my clit. He plays with that for a while.

The rope is tight. Lodges itself between butt cheeks, cuts into my pussy, making me gasp, making me wetter.

When He removes it, i feel a touch of relief, but mostly disappointment.

The routine is next ~ in the doorway, arms suspended above my head. He has left my shirt on, unbuttoned, and my bra, pulls my panties down around my knees.

No spreader bar tonight. “I want to see if you can keep your feet down on the ground without it,” He says. “Keep your legs open.”

i resolve to do that of course.

The routine is the same – He plays with me first, ahhhhh, so much pleasure. Then has me turn, offer my ass.

Hand ~ flogger ~ rope ~ belt. The order is the same. This time between the hand and the flogger are nipple clamps.

i turn again, facing Him. The bra comes off. He pulls my shirt up, arranges it so my upper body’s exposed. Then the clamps.

Just the C-clamps, with the chain, and they don’t hurt that much, just twinges of pain, i can take that. He flicks my nipples with the flogger, pinches them, just enough to make me whimper a little.

He is caressing and touching me all this time, and then He says “One more minute,” and He walks away.

Standing there alone, back to the door, arms fastened above my head, i quickly discover that they hurt much more than i thought. O, my.

i mean, they’re not excruciating or anything, but without His touch they hurt sooo much more. A minute is longer than you’d think.

And then He is back, and they come off, slowly and gently, cause that’s how he is. That hurts too, more when they’re all the way off. And ~

~ they’re still very sensitive this morning. i’ll be aware of them today.

“Turn,” He says, and i do, keeping my legs open as if the spreader bar were holding them.

The rope on my ass raises welts. He uses it slowly, i have time to breathe and absorb the feeling most of the time.

The last two are fast ~ He warns me first, “Just two more,” and i know they’ll be quick, back to back.

The belt leaves marks too, marks that are still there this morning. But His hands caress me, a hand on my nipple, and it’s not hard to take. It leaves me sooo wet.

Back on the mat, at His feet, He uses the shoe horn to direct me as we practice positions. He asks me questions, and i can’t think, don’t have a clue, and the shoe horn taps me ~ just a tap ~or if i’m slow to obey, just a tap, a reminder.

Mmmmmm.

“The shoe horn is not your friend,” He says. And He’s right, i can tell He is, but so far it’s not an enemy either.

And then there are orgasms… o, yes.

Finally, He lets me kneel before Him, lets me use my mouth and hands for His pleasure, teaching me the ways that please Him most.

It is training, isn’t it? Laughing… Who knew it would be so much fun?

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More on Polyamory and Raven

15 Sep

Raven talked about the need for communication and emotional transparency in poly relationships.

There may be degrees of transparency, ranging from complete transparency in the case of his slave, Josh, to much more limited transparency between him and a woman who is submissive to him in very limited ways.

He says this transparency applies to the Master too.  That the Master may withhold information to train, to create trust, or for some other specific reasons, but that it’s not ok to hide anything about the poly relationships.

He talked about Masters who wanted to avoid conflict, who didn’t want to deal with their slave being mad at them.  He said, “If you’re in charge, you should never be afraid of your slave’s anger.”

If you’re the Master you don’t need to hide what you’re doing, whatever that may be.

His words fit nicely with the image of Master that i have ~ someone who knows where He stands and isn’t afraid to stand there.  Who’s not afraid of feelings, not afraid of taking responsibility for his own actions.  {Or hers, right?}

He and Josh went on to tell a story about their  relationship that deeply touched me.  In my words~

When they got together, Josh thought he was a masochist.  He loved heavy pain play ~ loved “getting beat down.’  And Raven enjoyed giving him pain.

Then he realized ~ Raven realized ~ that when they played that way, Josh was “going away.”  He was dissociating, and wasn’t really present for the experience.

That wasn’t ok with Raven.  He stopped that kind of play immediately. 

So Josh worked on some of his issues and learned to be present, only to discover that he’s NOT really a masochist, and that he didn’t really like heavy pain much at all.  

Raven has started introducing pain again very slowly, with basic spanking.  Josh says that’s kind of humiliating for him, since he once prided himself on being able to take so much. But it’s clearly a much healthier place to be.

For Raven, it was essential that his partner be present for the experience.  For Josh, it’s been an opportunity to grow

Of course, it left Raven without a pain play partner.  So together, he and Josh shopped for ~ and found ~ someone to fill that need.

And that takes me to the biggest point of all this.

How much does Josh have to love Raven to be able to help him find someone to give him what Josh is not capable of providing?

Immeasurable, right?

Sigh…

Raven says polyamory is about getting to the point that seeing your partner happy makes you happy.  Josh talks about the difficulty of letting go of the idea that he could give Raven everything he needs or wants.

And i recognize the truth of that.   i can feel the benefit of being able to let go of my own ego enough to let someone else provide what i can’t.

That doesn’t mean it’s for everyone.

And Raven is, I  think, unusually good at doing this.  He talks about the need to make sure each  person in the relationship knows that they’re valued, knows what gifts they bring.  

He seems to have helpied Josh through the emotional growth he needed to do to truly accept it, not to accept it with “a mumbling heart,” but with a joyful heart.

Listening to them, i could see it clearly.  

i don’t think Sir X has any intention of us being poly, and i’m glad for that.  But i will try to be open also.  Some of the same principals apply to other relationships, right? 

Raven’s message goes beyond poly, and is really about wanting the people we love to have their needs met, whatever that means for them.

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C.O.P.E. ~ Raven and Josh

14 Sep

For starters, here is Raven’s website.   http://www.ravenkaldera.org/

Before i met him, i was a little unsure how i felt about his paganism.  It seemed ~ i don’t know. Unreal somehow.  It seemed {forgive me pagan folk} it seemed flaky.  i guess that’s how other people feel about BDSM.

But once i met Raven, those doubts just fell away.  He is solid.

And his boy, Josh, made a comment in Sir Top and slavebonnie’s class that made me think they knew what they were talking about.  That they had some education, had done some research on their topic.

i had not planned to go to their class on polyamory.  You know, polyamory is not really my thing.  i’ve been saying i don’t share well, and been quite serious about it.  

But my idea of polyamory has been the model of a Master who says to his slave, “I want another slave,” and brings another woman into the relationship.  Raven’s polyamory certainly doesn’t fit that model.  As he says, it’s not all about sex, it’s about family.

So he starts by telling the story of his family.  i won’t try to tell his story, you can read it on his website.  But let me just say, his family doesn’t fit the other stereotype we have about poly relationships ~  the old Mormon polygamy, also one man and more than one woman. 

As Raven talked about his own poly family, i watched him and Josh.   They were relaxed and comfortable with each other.  Josh contributed equally to the presentation.  The care and devotion between them shone.

Raven talked about the rules for poly relationships.  He’s written a book on this, so i won’t try to cram it all into this post.  But it’s important.

The first rule, he says, is that the person who has the least power, is the one who needs to be listened to first, not the one who’s primary or most important.  The least has to be first.

That doesn’t mean they get the power to decide, or that the Master is submitting to them  in some way.  But they have the least recourse ~ the least power to impact the situation.  So the Master needs to make sure they’re ok first.  They are the most vulnerable.

For me, hearing Raven articulate this created safe space.  i stayed in my chair, but mentally, i was sitting at his feet.

Dinner

13 Sep

Had a lovely dinner with Sir X, very vanilla, lots of intimate conversation, some about D/s relationships, but nothing kinky happening.  i can’t tell you how much i enjoyed it.

He is ~ well, never mind, i didn’t start this post to rave about Him, although i could.  i have a story to tell instead.

You know the website that i posted this morning?  He had sent me the two bits from there ~ the collar piece and the link to the page about service.  After i read that, i noticed the “menu” button at the bottom of the page, and followed it to the list of other topics.

Scanned the list with great interest.  Started to dive into it ~ understand, i am a compulsive reader, i read the backs of cereal boxes.  It looked fascinating.

But i stopped.  i thought, “well, He didn’t tell me to read any of the rest of it; i don’t actually know if He wants me to.  Maybe i should wait and see.”

So i didn’t read anymore of it.

Tonight, we were talking about it, the part about service, and how we saw ourselves in relation to the categories the article talked about.  He said:

“Yeah, I was going to send you the whole website, turn you loose on it, but I read some of the rest of it.  And I didn’t necessarily agree with everything it said.  So I thought, no, I’d wait and if there was some part of it I wanted you to read, some part I thought was really good, I’d just send you that.”

i couldn’t say anything at first, i was too stunned.  We went on talking about other things.  But finally, i had to tell Him.

So i explained about what i’d thought, how i’d started to read it all and stopped myself.

He just smiled.  And nodded.  ” That’s good,” He said.  “I knew – curious minds, always want to look at things.  But you thought that out just right.”

He smiles again, and that warms my heart and makes me so happy.  “You did good,” He says.

i think that’s amazing, and it makes me smile every time i think about it.  Look ~ i can please Him.  i really can.  


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