Sitting on my plastic step stool, naked, alone, tears in my eyes. Sigh. All those lovely implements on the bed – the floggers, the canes, even a paint stirrer. How did i end up here instead?
O, yeah. That unauthorized orgasm.
It was an accident! Not a big frigging deal really. And i stood in the corner. He made me stand in the corner. And i was thinking about His stupid “consequences.” What else did He want??
i’m feeling pouty. Very pouty. Cause really, this is kind of ridiculous. Just because i do one little bitty thing wrong, we gotta go through this?
Anger bubbles up in me.
i stand, stalk to my closet, open the door to get my robe hanging on the hook – i’m reaching for it when i remember – i can hear His voice:
“”I don’t want you to get dressed, I want you thinking about it naked. “
i stop – frozen in the closet doorway. What am i doing? i could get the robe out, wear it for a little while, put it back. He’d never know, right?
And i back away from the closet, empty-handed. He’s right. i need to think about this.
What am i doing? Am i really thinking about sneaking to wear a robe? How crazy is that? And “unauthorized orgasms?” That’s ridiculous. i can’t control my body all the time. Why is He making such a big deal out of it? And why am i letting Him?
My body feels awkward. Not sexy, but bare. Not erotic, just raw. i want to cover myself, and really, why shouldn’t i? i don’t have to do what He says – not for real. The world won’t end if i decide this isn’t for me.
Still uncomfortable in my skin, i move to the living room, curl up on the couch. Contemplating.
It was the smile that really made Him mad. When i was standing in the corner, thinking about His stupid “consequences.” i was trying to think of something that would be really mild and inconsequential, right? So i amused myself in the process.
Sigh.
And why shouldn’t i? It’s silly anyhow. It’s not like He’s really in charge – really, really, i could stop it all at any time. i don’t have to do this.
i pout some more, curled up on the couch. Try to picture –
– would we still have a relationship if i told Him i didn’t want to be submissive anymore? Could we even have a relationship if He weren’t dominant?
Like a slide show, all the things He “makes” me do flash before my eyes.
The mornings He puts me in the shower and scrubs my body, makes me cum 3 times before i can get out of the shower.
The spankings, in all their shades, from light, friendly smacks on the ass to sharp, stinging ones that make me cry out, and the hard thudy ones that i beg Him to stop. i pause, lingering on those. Wondering why i love that soooo much.
The times He lets me kneel in front of Him and please Him with my mouth. Most of all, the times i please Him.
Good girl.
A shiver runs through me. Even now, in disgrace, the thought of His voice saying it, His hands stroking me, pleased –
No.
My face buried in my hands, i shake my head. i won’t give that up. Or the rest of it either.
So i need to make sense of it instead. He challenged me:
“…within our relationship, what does it mean if you cum without permission? Are consequences even called for? Why or why not? And if so, what should the consequences be?”
Now i need to figure it out.
i move to the computer then. Writing always helps me sort things out.
Three hours later, i am almost finished, when i hear the front door open. Abandoning the computer, i move to the living room, feeling shy. i don’t know if He’s angry. Don’t know if He’ll let me kneel for Him, or not.
His face is impassive, but so sweet – not angry, He just looks curious, interested – and i’m so glad to see Him, i burst into tears. i hesitate to move toward Him, afraid He’ll reject me, but He steps forward, folds me into Him.
“Come here, baby,” He says, and that makes me cry harder. i hate to cry, seldom do it, and i’m so grateful for His arms around me.
He holds me til the tears stop, and then He says, “Did you think about it?” and i start up again, but i manage to say, “Yes, Sir, i thought about it,” between sobs. Then i stop again and have to get a kleenex and blow my nose, and he’s patient.
He wants a glass of tea, and He lets me get it for Him.
Finally, He’s sitting in His chair, and He tells me to get the footstool. i’m a little sad because i’m still not allowed to kneel, but i get the stool, and am sitting at His feet. It’s almost as good as kneeling.
He rubs my head and i lean into Him.
Then – “So tell me,” He says, “What do you think?” i lean back so i can see His face.
And sigh.
“i think i was out of line. i was being – bratty. And that’s not terrible – lots of relationships can tolerate that. But i don’t think it belongs in our relationship.”
His eyebrows raise, “Go on.”
“i – i think some relationships might be about Him having to step in and control her – whip her back into shape, so to speak.” He smiles, and i smile back, a little tentative. “But our relationship can’t be about that.”
He nods. “I’m listening.”
i’m searching for the right words. “It can’t really be You making me submit, because i have to offer. That’s – that’s what i really want. To offer obedience, to offer submission, and -” i hesitate, as i say those words, i feel myself melting, my heart opens. And yes, i feel heat through my most private parts. “And –
” – really, it’s to offer who i am.” i have bowed my head as i say that, and i wait, anxious. Raise my head, and He’s looking at me, so kindly. Clearly, He’s pleased. He reaches out and strokes my cheek.
“Yes.” He says. “That’s right. And that’s what i want.”
“So,” i go on. “When i laugh at it, even if it’s something like cumming without permission – i know you’re not really upset about that,” but i glance at Him to check – is He?
No, He’s still smiling, shaking His head. “Right. So if I’m not upset about that, why was it a big deal for us?”
i sigh. “Because it’s symbolic. And that makes it important. Not the cumming part, but – when i was thinking about “consequences,” i was just thinking about what would be quick and painless for me – and that – it violates our agreement. It violates the spirit of our agreement. It’s the opposite of offering.”
“Yes.” He’s really smiling now. Stroking my hair, which makes me want to – i don’t even know what i want to do. But He does.
“Kneel,” He says. i can’t help grinning as i grab my little pillow and kneel in front of Him, shoving the stool out of the way.
“Did you think of a consequence?” He asks.
“Yes, Sir. i think – of course, orgasm denial would make sense – i don’t know for how long.”
He considers this. “But then I won’t have the fun of making you cum.”
“That’s true, Sir!”
“Try something else.”
“Ummm,” i don’t want to say it, “ummmm, nipple clamps, Sir. You could – you know – use the nipple clamps.”
“O, that’s a good idea. I could use the worst ones. You’d remember that for sure.”
Eyes downcast, i think, “O, shit, i’m in some trouble now.” But, glancing up – there’s a – is there? – i think there’s a twinkle in His eye.
“Or maybe not that, ” He says. “After all, it was a rebellious pussy that got you in this fix. Right?'”
i nod. “Yes, Sir.”
“So maybe she needs to be punished. A spanking, perhaps, even a pussy whipping.” He’s grinning now, and i can’t help smiling back. He stands, holds out a hand to help me rise.
“Come.” He says. “Wrist and ankle cuffs. Collar. I’ll tie you to the bed, all open, or – no – maybe i’ll tie your legs back over your head. Did you see the paint stirrer on the bed?” i nod, yes, of course i did, but He’s still talking, “I think that would be just right. A nice, sting-y pussy whipping.“
Suddenly, He stops, turns me to face Him, grasps my hair tightly, tilting my head back. He is stern. “It’s going to hurt, you know,” He says. “”And no cumming after.”
i can barely nod, but “Yes, Sir. i know,” i say.
He smiles then. “Well, come on. Let’s get this done. We have sushi for dinner.”
And my heart is full of joy, and love.
“Thank you, Sir,” i say.
Tags: BDSM, fantasy, relationships, Submission
