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Those Moments

23 Dec

We are going over the Christmas lists one more time when His phone rings.  It’s His friend, Danny, so He’s standing in the kitchen talking.  and i’m moving around, putting stuff away, moving things around.  

i pass by Him ~ close enough to touch ~ and He does.  He reaches out and puts His hand on my shoulder, lightly.  Almost absently, as if He’s not really thinking about it.

i could easily keep moving, He’s not holding me, and the momentum of my steps almost carries me forward, but ~

i stop.  In mid-step, i stop.

He leaves His hand on my shoulder for a few moments, time enough for me to breathe.   To let go of the urge to keep going.

My body grows still under His hand.  

His hand moves to my neck, caressing the skin with one thumb.  He is still talking on the phone.  i hold very still.

He touches my hair lightly, and His hand moves down my back, down further and then around me, turning me slightly so His arm is around my back, and His hand is on the side of breast.

He cups my breast, still lightly.  

i no longer notice His words, and He’s not talking to me anyhow.  

His hand inches up, up ~ and touches my nipple lightly.  Brushes it with His thumb, sending shivers from the nipple to my pussy.

My pussy clenches, and i hold back a whimper, He’s still on the phone.  

He pinches, pulls a bit ~ idly, the way people doodle on a notepad, absent-mindedly.  

i bite my lip, move a bit closer to Him.

And He pats my nipple, dismissively.  Removes His arm, and pats my ass, as if to send me on my way.

Released, i move forward again.

 **********************************

This one did happen, and it was one lovely moment in a busy, happy day.  Hope youall are having as much fun as i am!

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Between Moments of Joy

28 Dec

i’m riffing off of LM’s post on contentment here.  i could so totally relate to it when she talked about growing up with the idea that one must always strive to be better, better, best.

i grew up with that too.  i like to say ~  “In my Dad’s eyes, i was only ever as good as my next accomplishment.”  And that’s the truth.

My mother was a fan of “just do your best,” which is less toxic, but not quite benign.  

i rebelled early, and worked hard at being an underachiever.  i used to say i wanted them to put on my tombstone:  “Failed to live up to early potential.”

Fortunately, an underachiever by my family’s standards was still acceptable to the rest of the world.  i didn’t have to become a homeless person living under a viaduct to achieve my goal.

i decided early, as a result of being an avid reader, that the secret to happiness was to live a good life.  Not “good” in a martyred self-sacrificing way, but “good” as in worthwhile, meaningful.

i still believe that ‘doing the right thing” leads to happiness in the long run.  So it’s not something to do for show or to be applauded for, it’s just what makes one happy over time.

Actually, i developed this belief clearly in my head at 15, after reading The Group by Mary McCarthy. If you’ve read it, you know that the only person who comes out of that with any kind of pleasure in her life is Polly.  She’s also the only one who thinks about anyone other than herself and  makes decisions based on any kind of values other than her own pleasure.

i decided i was going to live like that.

So i rejected my Dad’s standards of success.

For a long time i went with “doing my very best” all the time, but that’s exhausting too.  And really, not every single thing needs my best effort.  {i know, that’s hard to believe.}

And now i’m starting to sound preachy, and that’s not where i mean to go with this.

LM talks about “contenting herself with her lot,” and i just want to say NO.  i don’t thing that’s the road to contentment, not exactly.  

For me, contentment is what bubbles up between moments of joy.  

So the way to contentment is not to resign myself to what is, but to find the joy in where i am.  

My mantra has often been  ~ “Given that the situation probably isn’t going to change today, what do i need to do to be ok?”  “Given that those other people probably aren’t going to change, probably aren’t going to do what i want them to do, what do i need to do to be ok?”

It’s not passive, not being resigned.  It’s looking for ways to take care of myself and be ok in the moment.

Joy lives in the present moment.

So when i focus on right here, right now, i can find joy.

And when joy has dotted my day, contentment wells up in between, connecting the dots.

That’s what i wanted to say.

But don’t forget:

Then a woman said, “Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.” And he answered: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. 

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. 

And how else can it be? 

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. 

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? 

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed withknives? 

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. 

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. 

Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.” 

But I say unto you, they are inseparable. 

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. 

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. 

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. 

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall. 

Khalil Gibran 

So joy comes with a price… but don’t we subs and slaves know that better than anyone?

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Monday Review

12 Dec

Last week, i made some commitments to things i was going to do.  Looking back at the week ~

~ i did get my desk at work cleared off.  i halfway got my desk at home cleared off.  More importantly, i haven’t completely covered my desk at work again yet.  It’s not pristine, but it’s not bad.

~ i ate some high carb, sugary things, but only when they actually danced on the table and called my name.  Chocolate cake with peanut butter icing at a staff going away party, muffins that someone made and brought in.  It would have been churlish not to, right?  lol.    But even then, only a little bit of it.

~ i didn’t quite stay caught up with paperwork, but real close.  If i do a little bit this morning, i’ll be back in good shape.

~ i exercised every day during the week, but then it fell apart on the weekend.  Which makes no sense, i have more time to do it then.  

And mindfulness.  i was more mindful.  i’ve been reading a book by Thich Naht Hahn, who’s fairly awesome.  He’s got a terrific book called “Ten Mindful Movement.”  i bought the book:

http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Movements-Ten-Exercises-Well-Being/dp/1888375795

which comes with a DVD.  You can also see him on youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWerJwf3-3I

This week, i’ll take time to practice the mindful movements.

There are so many things in my life that are changing, some of them feel positive, some not so much.  My frustration level at work is ridiculously low ~ not for clients, or even staff, but for management.  Which, since i’m part of management, is not so helpful.

i want.

i want things to be different at work, but the way things are is driven {in part} by societal changes and legislative decisions that my agency can’t control.

i want things to be different at my church, and for sure i can’t control that.

i want my daughter’s life to be the way i want it to be.  It would be nice for me if she decided to stay here forever.  i’m pretty sure i don’t get to make that choice.  Laughing… ok, i’m 100% sure i don’t get to choose for her.

All those things i want the way i want them, and none of them in my control.   What a great opportunity for frigging growth, right?

And even with Sir ~ where i am so happy ~ if i’m not careful, i will forget to appreciate what i have and get lost in the desire to have more.

Pema Chodron tells the story of tigers:

“There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life.” 
― Pema Chödrön, The Wisdom of No Escape: How to love yourself and your world

This week, i will remember to eat the strawberry.

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Emotion

9 Dec

Yesterday, after i finished posting, i read a piece that Dauntless Vitality had posted a while ago.  It’s called Submissive Emotions and the Dominant.    You can find it on his blog here. 

Yesterday, i was struck with how it connected,  for me, with my post on self control.  Today, i read Little Monkey’s post and saw more connection.

DV says, in part:

“From personal experience, I can tell you that no woman, no matter what or how you try to explain to her, can grasp how her emotions will become involved.  How her need will grow.  How this will become an addiction for her.  She has no way to know.  She has no reference point as of now.  I can drill into a sub how intense this can be.  How emotional it will become.  But until she is actually there and feeling it, she really can’t know and understand.”

L.M. says:  “…the actuality of what I have been doing is exponentially more intimate than I understood it was going to be.”

Which all spirals around itself ~ the emotion, the intimacy, the intensity ~ and the vulnerability, which is so frightening and powerful.  It creates deep devotion, and love.

We can spend a lot of time trying to define that ~ love, devotion, and so on.  And it’s worth exploring ~ it’s important to wander around in it, looking and touching.

 i think it is all love.  Not necessarily romantic, happily-ever-after love, but deep compassion, tenderness, and devotion, all stemming from the same root.  

If i can peel an orange with love, then it becomes easier to receive love in its infinite forms.  

So, ok, i might be heading down a weird path here.  But you know, once i spot a psychic trail, i gotta follow it.  And yet, it’s not weird at all.

When are we most vulnerable?  Most dependent?  Capable of the most intense devotion?  

Yeah.  As infants and toddlers.

And who suffers, completely, intensely and in the moment?  Only to be all smiles and joy moments later.

Yep.  Two year olds.  Babies.  Little ones.

Even if we have a wonderful family, the pain of a two-year old can be intense and powerful.  And they can be distracted by bright, sparkly and forget the pain pretty quickly too.

A two-year old with an ice cream cone is the picture of joy.  

A two-year old whose ice cream has fallen off the cone is a picture of despair.

Over time, that intense joy/pain level gets muted.  We learn to be more guarded.  We know our ice cream can fall off the cone and melt away before our eyes.  We are no longer totally surprised when it happens.

We learn to blame.  “i should have been more careful,” we say.  Or, “Look what you made me do!!”  

We see patterns. “Bad things always happen to me.”  “I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

No matter what things we say to ourselves, getting an ice cream cone as a ten-year-old carries a lot more anxiety than it does when we’re 2.  At ten we know we’re not supposed to make a mess, we need to be careful or it will fall, lick carefully and evenly, don’t let it drip.

At 40, when we get an ice cream cone, we may also think, “Omg, i shouldn’t be eating this, it’ll go straight to my hips, i wonder if i’m lactose intolerant, should i check my blood sugar now?”  and that’s on top of  the ten-year old’s concerns about neatness.

We’ve lost the pure joy of a two-year old with an ice cream cone.

We’ve learned to be guarded and cautious and self-protective. And that’s not bad, there’s nothing wrong with that, it helps us feel safe.

In a D/s relationship, we give up the “feeling safe.”  Hopefully, we don’t give up being safe, but we give up feeling safe.  We make ourselves vulnerable and dependent.

Don’t we?  Yeah.  

Like toddlers or infants.

i think ~ when we are in physical situations that recreate the experience of being helpless and dependent, then it opens the door to the depth of feeling we had in childhood.

For some people, that becomes connected to age play.  Which makes sense in a lot of different ways.  But i don’t think age play has to be part of it.

i think ~ emphasis on think ~ what we’re looking for is that ocean of feelings that we learned not to show, and really, not to feel, when we were little.  So that flood of emotion that DV talks about ~ that’s it.  That’s where our joy has been hiding all these years.

Mindfulness can take us there.  Mindfulness, being able to be fully present in the moment, allows us to get in touch with that intense joy.

And so does BDSM.

i’ve been reading some Buddhist stuff lately.   i’m particularly noticing the idea {already familiar from psychology} that when you have a rush of strong, unpleasant emotion, there is something that needs  attention and psychic work.  Healing maybe, of some sort.

And i’ve got more thoughts here, you already know i do.  But i’m taking a leaf from Smilingsoul’s book, i’m gonna let this all simmer for a while.  

Just holding the thought that our kink creates vulnerability, dependence, intensity, and intimacy.  That this experience allows us to tap into the deep joy and pain of early childhood.   

And that is a gift.  Submission and Dominance are our gifts to each other because thy create the potential for that emotional experience in a safe way…

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A New Week Begins

5 Dec

This week… i will stay caught up with paperwork.  Yes, I will.

This week… i will not eat unhealthy high carb, high sugar food that gives me a buzz and then drops me like a brick.  Not even if it’s dancing on the table in the staff lounge, calling my name.

This week… i will clean off my desk at work.  And at home.  Not necessarily get everything done, but find a home for it until it’s done rather than leaving it splayed out on my desk like the ruins of  a paper explosion.  i’ll do it in 15 minute increments like ‘Nilla’s flylady says to.

{Waves – Hi, ‘Nilla…}

This week… i will exercise every day.  Every single day.  Even if it means i don’t have a good blog post.  Even if it means i don’t get to read or comment on OPB.  Even if ~ i don’t know, even if whatever.

This week… i will remember to be mindful, to stay in the present moment often.   i’ll try not to regret the past or worry needlessly about the future.  When i realize i’ m not being mindful, i won’t get mad at myself or think i’m stupid, i’ll just gently remind myself to do it.   i’ll breathe and bring my attention back to now.

This week…  i will remember this quote:

“If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile and blossom like a flower, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace.” 
― Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace

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Being Vulnerable

25 Apr

The video is Brene Brown, speaking on vulnerability.  

Being open to feelings creates vulnerability.  

She talks about “foreboding joy.”  i hear it from my clients, “Sure, i feel good for a little while, but i can’t enjoy it.  i know it won’t last.  Something bad is going to happen.”

And i have to laugh a little bit, because of course it will.  We don’t get to stay in “feel good” mode forever, life goes on.

So Ms. Brown goes on to talk about “numbing,” which is what i talk about all the time with my clients with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Numbing is a way to avoid the things we don’t want to think about, avoid the feelings we don’t want to feel.

My clients say, “Well of course i avoid them, why would i want to remember those feelings?  Feel them again?  Are you crazy?”

And Ms. Brown says the same things i say to my clients, that the cost of numbing all those feelings is the loss of joy.  When we put our feelings in a box and try to keep it locked,  joy and compassion and contentment and love and all the pleasant feelings get locked up too.

i think of the things she talks about as reactions to having experienced trauma.  She talks about it as a national phenomenon.  She says that as a nation we’re all doing it ~ numbing with alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, staying busy, and so on.   Once she says it, i know she’s right.

i’m doing it when i don’t want to get my hopes up about meeting somebody.  When i practice that superstitious kind of “not expecting good things” so i don’t “jinx myself.”  Really, it’s an effort to avoid being vulnerable to getting hurt.  

i’ve noticed that youall call me on it every time i do it.  Someone makes a comment to remind me to relax and breathe, to experience the feelings, to go with the flow.

So does BDSM help us stay in touch with our feelings?  Help us not be numb?   Or does it help us avoid our every day mundane lives?  

It seems like there is tremendous vulnerability in being submissive.  We purposely walk into situations that may trigger tremendous emotional pain.  In fact, we choose pain.  When and how it comes is not our choice, so we are not able to protect ourselves by being prepared for it.

How does it work for dominants?  Are they walking into vulnerability too?  

i think i have a lot of thoughts on this, and not enough time to sort through them today.  

Ms. Brown says there are two ways not to numb out.  

                             ~~Practice gratitude.   

                             ~~Honor what’s ordinary.  

As i go through my day, i’ll try to keep those things in mind.

i think “to honor what’s ordinary” is to be mindful.  To feel and experience each moment, as much as possible.  To do one thing at a time, with all my focus.   To do it non-judgmentally, without criticizing myself all day long.  

The gratitude part is easier.  Starting with youall.  i’m so grateful for each of you.   Just knowing that people are interested in reading my story is a powerful affirmation.  When you comment, give me feedback and support, or challenge my ideas, it’s a gift of great value.

The hardest thing for me, in this vulnerability realm, is feeling incompetent.  That triggers a desire to numb stronger than just about anything.  

O ~ wait ~ for me, feeling incompetent is the essence of vulnerability.   

Yikes.

It is though.  And i used to smoke a cigarette when i felt it.  Now ~ lately~ i eat.  And that’s not so helpful either.

So today, i will allow myself to feel fully incompetent.   i will remind myself that no one is “competent enough” to solve the problems of poverty, mental illness, and a warped society.  i will accept that i don’t have to be “competent” all the time.

And i will not eat compulsively.  i will not eat without thinking about it.  i will eat mindfully, savoring each bite.  i will make it an experience, not an exercise in avoidance.

 

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Seeking

6 Mar

It’s the intensity. 

i seek it everywhere.  At work.  At home.  In my spare time.

Seeking a Dom to hand it to me.  A master to move me.   Someone to take me deeper into myself, someone to take me completely outside myself.

Hidden Slave writes about it with great power and beauty.  

Is it the pain that does it?  The pain that transcends? 

i don’t know.

Shades of Blue writes about it.   Her tales remind me of – forgive me – a novice nun.  About to move into a High Protocol House, and it reminds me so much of stories i’ve read by nuns on their path to the convent.  

Sin writes about it too, the intensity, the seeking. And ‘Nilla – we all write about it.  Being taken out of our selves – and led into our selves.

Sigh.

Is it greedy to want that all the time?

Not necessarily want it from a Master.  If it has to come from Him, then it has to be limited.  No one else can bring that to us – to me – all the time. 

If i have to get it from Him – whoever “Him” may be – it’s restricted.  But ~

      if i can figure out how to do it myself… 

O.  Ok.  i think i’ve got something here ~ ok.

It’s mindfulness, right?  It’s being totally present, totally connected, totally in the moment.   And it’s being totally gone – not there – sub-spaced out. 

He can give me that, through pain, or through intensity.  Through touch.  Through manipulating the environment.

But people who walk on hot coals do the same thing.  So did  saints with their ecstatic spritual experiences.

And we get it through serving too.  It doesn’t have to come through Him, right?  i mean, “He” gives me the opportunity to serve, to lose myself in giving, but that’s me, not Him.

When i worship His cock, i slip into that space – He is allowing me to use Him to take my self there…

…i don’t know.  i think i have a hold on this and then it slips away again.

“He” is God.   We look for some form of God.   i look for some form of God-ness.   Not necessarily God-in-the-Sky, not necessarily a God of rules – although…  ok, maybe yes, maybe a God of rules.

A God of love though.  i think.

And see ~ here i am ~ lost again.  i don’t think i’m seeking ~ i don’t want the Puritan God who’s rigid and mean.  But it needs to be a God with rules ~ but rules that  i can obey…

… No, lost again ~ damn it. 

Backing up.  In the moment.   The key is being in the moment… whatever i’m doing.

So what happens when i have an intense experience like last weekend with MoR ~ in the power exchange, i give Him my power so He can take me there?  Is that right?

Then i come home and my vanilla life seems flat and mundane and unbalanced.  i’m not really here, because i’m still there.

Ok – so that’s the unbalance.  Instead of being fully present in my every day life, i’m holding on to the powerful intensity of the kink experience – ok, the powerful intensity of being with MoR.   

But that’s just one way to get there.  i’ve carefully created a life for myself that allows me to have all kinds of opportunities to experience different kinds of intimacy and intensity.  

And anything becomes intense if you focus on it.  

i’ve been listening to music this morning ~ another way to get the effect.  Try listening to this, and imagine cock worship at the same time…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnP-__wW0Xc&NR=1

i picture myself kneeling in front of Him ~ for me, it has to start that way if i’m going to do it right…

i picture His cock, barely starting to get hard.

i look at it ~ take it in my hand ~ gently ~ with great love…

i breathe on it, feeling it swell more as i do.  Slowly, tentatively, i lick lightly at the head, feel it twitch in my hand…

my mouth is moist, wet, as i slide it over the head of His cock.  It slides easily, my mouth embraces him, my tongue moves in a swirl, absorbing His taste, feeling Him grow.

i linger, tasting, touching, sucking lightly… pull back and run the tip of my tongue around the rim.  He is swollen now, His cock throbs in my hand…

i slip Him into my mouth and move farther down on His shaft, allowing Him to slide deeper in, inch by inch… moving back and then farther down with each thrust…

His hand on my head is gentle ~ an affirmation, i am doing well.  He strokes my hair affectionately…

Ok.  Enough of that.  Just making myself uselessly hot and bothered.  And now i’ve forgotten where i was going with this ~ o, yeah ~

mindfulness ~

     ~ so whether i’m focusing on the music or on cock-worship, the power to be in the moment, to feel that tingly pleasure ~ it comes from me, or from the Goddess within me… just like His power comes from God, the God within Him.

And that means ~ maybe ~ maybe that means that i can take the power and intensity that MoR and i create in play and bring it to my mundane, everyday life.   Maybe when i feel unbalanced, i need to grow my every day life.

Damn it.

i don’t really like that thought ~ it creates work for me.  It would be so much easier to wait for MoR to pop back in and hand it to me.  But noooooo ~

i have to frigging try to create it myself…

 

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Spending Time…and then

29 Nov

i went to the Fourth Sunday munch last night.  It’s the third time i’ve been, and i was definitely more comfortable than the first two times.  It’s a tiny munch, compared to the weekend one; maybe only 10 or 15 people were there last night.    This time, there was a man named Master J who sat next to me.  We talked through most of the evening.  He’s a master of corny jokes, so i was well entertained.      

i talked to some other people too, and finally – yes, i know it’s only my third time there – finally started to feel like i was making some connections.   Which made me think about spending time, one of the “languages of love.” 

i don’t “love” the kink community here.  There are other communities i’m involved in that i do love – my church community, a volunteer group i spend time with, and of course, my little blogging community.   But i know that love builds on itself.  So we show love, express love, by spending time with people.  

AND if i spend time with people, i’ll grow to love them.

Not just any kind of time though.  It has to be focused time. Time spent being open and receptive.  With kids, we call it “quality time.” 

i think Doms are experts at giving that kind of time.  Sir D has a look, a tone to His voice, when He’s focused on me that is as arousing as His touch.  And for sure, play time is quality time. 

Sir and i don’t have a lot of time together – well, more than some of you, but much less than Mick and Molly.  So when we have time together, it’s a gift.   Whether it’s a phone call or an IM, or face-to-face time, it’s important. 

One of the things i love about mindfulness practice is that it increases my ability to focus on what i’m doing right now.  i try to bring my full self to my time with people, no matter who it is.  With Sir, that’s easy because He pulls me to Him anyhow.  There are so many ways He does it.  With words.  Tone of voice.  His hand in my hair .  Or –

– like how i left myself – on my knees, bent over, with my back to Him and – o, my, it makes me blush to say it now – blush and squirm – He has one finger inside me, not in my pussy, um, you know –

– blushing –

He has His finger in my – um, in the smaller entrance – it is deep inside me.  He is holding it there, not moving.  And i have felt myself open  to Him, i told you that.  Felt myself slide deep into submission.  Open and receptive, and willing to do anything He asks of me.  My self is His right now.

And then…

…His other hand is, omigosh, His other hand is reaching around to stroke me from the front, omigod, caressing my inner lips, seeking the nub of pleasure – omigod, i feel myself tighten on His finger, and it feels – o, it feels good – how can that be?

The finger on my clit stops, holds where it is, keeping me there too, poised on the brink.  i am lost – wordless – spinning into space – and then –

He slides another finger into my ass.  Easily, quickly, there is no resistance from me.  i open to take it, accept it.  i want it.  i want everything He wants to give me.  i am receptive, relaxed and open – and i am strung tight, ready to explode with pleasure. 

i begin to move, i can’t help it, impaling myself deeper on His fingers, trying to press my clit against his finger, trying to rub myself on Him and –

– for a moment, i picture myself there on my hands and knees in front of Him, rubbing on Him shamelessly, seeking more of Him… and then…

…He slides the finger that had been on my clit inside my pussy.  My pussy that is so wet, the scent of me fills the air, his finger slides in, then another, o – maybe a third one – and i’m caught

     – filled

           – completely taken

rocking back and forth on His fingers, moaning with pleasure.  Seeking more – more – please, Sir –

And then….

*******************************************

 Four more days.  Just four more days til i see my Sir.

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Coming Down

11 Nov

If you fly, eventually, you have to come back down.  That’s a fact.

Sigh.

i don’t want to crash and burn.  i want to land more or less gracefully, walk away intact.  

Not – you know, i’m not talking about that night, when Sir is still there.  That’s not a problem.  That’s like Stage One landing, and i enjoy that in its own way.  

And then, back in my home, Sir back in His, i move into Stage Two.  i’m doing all the mundane things of my life, and enjoying them, but part of me is still feeling connected.  i think blogging helps – it keeps the experience alive, connects me to the warmth, the thrill.  In the best of all possible worlds, i know that i’ll be seeing Sir again soon, and the momentum keeps me going just fine. 

That’s not the case this time.   This time, i know that i won’t see Him again until the first weekend in December.  Twenty-three more days.  Almost a month all together.    

i know, lots of you go much longer without real life contact.  Let me be clear – i’m not complaining.  i just want to figure out how to manage this without feeling bereft.

Bereft:  “Lonely and abandoned, esp. through someone’s death or departure.”

Ok, He’s not abandoning me, He’ll be back.  And there’s no reason for me to feel lonely.  I have family and friends and plenty of support.

And today, i still feel bereft. 

You know, at work, with my clients, i talk all the time about states of mind.  There’s emotional mind, and reasonable mind, and when those two states of mind talk to each other, communicate with each other, then i can find my wise mind.

So – let me be for real here.  My emotional mind is curled up in a ball, not crying, but withdrawing.  Not quite hurt yet, but i know it’s coming. 

My rational mind wants to hold it off, avoid it all together.  “You don’t have to feel that way,” i tell myself,  “No need for any fuss.   You’ll be fine.”  My rational mind can come up with at least 10 reasons not to feel what i feel.

Emotional mind doesn’t care.  She looks up just long enough to say, “Leave me alone.  You don’t understand.  i know i’m going to be ok, but i’m not right now.”

Sigh.

i know if i ignore the feelings, they won’t go away.  They’ll get stronger.

Damn it.  The only way through this is straight through this, isn’t it?  i need to practice that same mindfulness now as i do in the dungeon, right?   

Ok.  So i stay in touch with what i’m feeling right now.  i don’t try to pull away from Him and shut off the connection.   Or maybe i do – maybe that’s what i need to do?

No, that’s not what i need.

Ok.  i can figure this out.

It’s ok to feel what i feel.  i don’t need to complicate it by trying not to feel it, or by anticipating what i might feel next.  i need to stay in the moment.  i won’t try to talk myself out of my feelings, or push them away.  i won’t leap ahead to thinking about how much worse it could get.

Sigh.

i won’t berate myself for not being perfectly ok all the time. 

Sigh.

i’ll do all those things i know how to do to be ok.  You know, the same frigging list i make my clients create – things that make me feel better, ways i take care of myself…  i’ve got the list, i just need to use it.

i’ll try not to torture myself by wondering if i’m too needy, too dependent.   i spent the first half of my life learning how to withdraw and take care of myself without “needing” a relationship with a man.  I don’t need to practice that.   i know i can do that if i need to.

i’d like to learn to stay connected, to stay open and not be afraid.  If that makes me needy, well, it just does.

If that makes Him leave, well, it just does.

And i’ll blog.  i’ll write about my feelings and my fantasies  – {laughing} the good, the bad, and the ugly.  My blog is always for me first, so if other people lose interest, that’s ok.  i love being read, and having support, but i won’t be anything other than what i am.  i will stand where i am, and be ok with that. 

Sigh.

“Each place is the right place–the place where I now am can be a sacred space.”
~~  Ravi Ravindra

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