Givng. i did a long vanilla essay on giving recently. As a culture, it seems that we buy into the “it’s more blessed to give than to receive” concept fiercely.
And that’s great, i suppose. After all, we submissives like to think that we’re all about giving. We give, dominants take, right? So, um, doesn’t that make us better than dominants? Or at least more blessed… {Laughing}
Ok, we all know that’s not true. And sometimes the person who most wants to “give” you something is the most annoying person you can imagine, and what they’re offering is something you totally don’t want.
Letting go of giving can be hard. My younger daughter, J, my only biological child, quit wanting Christmas presents several years ago. There are a few traditional gifts that she likes getting – the “stocking stuffers” of her childhood – socks, her favorite (not cheap) chapstick and so on. But mostly, she wants the money to go non-profit organizations that she cares about.
I know – that sounds great, right? But as her mother – it took me a while to let go of my own pleasure in giving her something that i perceive as being “for her.”
Her Dad never did make the transition, and continues to give her gifts that she often doesn’t want. One year, poor man, he gave her a TV. She doesn’t watch TV. She specifically told him, repeatedly,that she didn’t want a TV. Yet he gave her one, because he really wanted her to have one. And was furious when he found out she gave it away to a friend who’d been wanting one.
So that’s an extreme example, right? “I don’t want X.” “I’m giving you X anyhow.” Clearly, the giver, well-meaning though they may be, is not on the high road here.
(In her Dad’s defense, he is deeply convinced that TV is essential to one’s well-being, and absolutely believed she would enjoy it once it was in the house. It’s the same strategy he used to introduce VCR’s and microwaves to me when we were married, and that worked out pretty well…)
But that’s not my point.
If i have something to give, and no one to give it to – that’s a horrible feeling. When a submissive is in a vanilla relationships, it happens often – at least, in my experience. i had all this “take me, take me” going on and it would just baffle him – whoever “him” was.
Part of the beauty of BDSM is that it removes some of that danger. i believe that my Sir likes the idea of me waiting on my knees for Him to return – mentally, at least. i mean, He doesn’t literally want me on my knees, i don’t think.
i know He likes for me to worship His cock, although i don’t know how He feels about thinking of it that way. But the deal, explicitly, is that He will tell me what He wants – will demand it, even.
But some delicate balancing goes on around that. i suppose there are Doms running around demanding whatever whim comes into their head at any given moment, without any thought beyond that. i supposed there are subs running around who think they would be happy doing anything they were told to do. I suspect they both end up dissatisfied and irritated when the experience doesn’t “make them happy.”
For most of us, there is a more delicate balance. At least some of the things He wants need to be things i want to give, and at least some of the things i want to give need to be things He wants, right? So if a rough and hearty face-fucking was His idea of heaven, we might not be a great match. Not that He couldn’t get that from me, of course He could – but it wouldn’t be playing to my strengths. So to speak.
Mick and Molly are such a good match because she likes stopping by his office to be pleasured. If she didn’t want that, their relationship would certainly be different.
And there are so many paths we could wander down in the theoretical garden of giving and receiving. Shrubbery to poke at, rocks to look under.
But i keep circling back around to the challenges of being dominant. Because they don’t really get to just show up and take whatever they want. i think –
– and i don’t know, because you know, i’m not a Domme – but i think –
– the challenges of being Dominant are the need to have a strong self – a sense of who you are and what you want.
And i think maybe that sounds easy.
But maybe they just make it look easy. Knowing who you are and what you want are lifelong challenges.
i just finished reading The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho. It’s a simple story, and an easy read. He talks about the idea that we each have a personal legend, and that we often end up letting that go, settling for what we don’t really want, and being content anyhow. But for people who decide to pursue their personal legend, life is a different experience.
My fantasy is that, on some level, Dominants have the opportunity to be who they truly are and express that. Submissives do too, but in a different way. And then – i get to this point, and it all begins to swirl together again. i can’t tease the concepts apart again.
Part of the beauty of a D/s relationship is that there is some kind of differentiation. We are not one big mass of a person – a couple that looks identical. We are clearly separate.
But i’m lost again – enjoyably lost, not in a “where’s my iphone?” kind of way. Ok –
Submission and Dominance are not Giving/Taking or even Giving/Receiving. AND even if they were – giving is not better than, or more blessed than receiving. Taking and receiving are actually gifts themselves.
There. That’s the track i wanted to be on. Before i got lost in the garden.
Wandering in the garden
Only now I need to get ready for work…
So i’ll put this on hold, and re-center myself. Picture myself again – He is here. In the living room. In His chair.
i am at His feet. Kneeling on my pillow. i am watching Him, waiting for Him to nod, to let me know i can start. My back is straight, my legs apart. i can almost feel Him, almost taste Him.
i watch and wait.
