Archive | March, 2011

Just Remembering

22 Mar

i was reading the discussion over at ‘Nilla’s blog, and was struck by a new feeling.  This is not a big deal, I just want to say it and see how it sounds.

Some of the discussion was about early adolescence and the wondering.  Wondering what it would feel like.  Longing to feel it.  Remembering what it was like to masterbate and feel guilty about it.  Thinking about the innocence of early puberty.

And it triggered me.

Funny, isn’t it?  My PTSD friends know what i mean.  i’m just reading it, and all of sudden, i remember.  Not in my head, where i always remember, but in my gut.

My innocence was lost early – not before puberty, but at the brink of it.  i think this may be the first time i felt a sense of grief about that innocence taken too soon.

Not that i haven’t grieved other aspects of my molestation and abuse.  But this sudden realization of how different their memories sounded from mine…

At the time, back in the day, i knew it set me apart.  It was just one of a bunch of things that did, but it was a big one. 

i saw myself as being wordly and wise.  In the know.

While my peers were wondering and longing, i was fucking and getting fucked.

i made that a strength, in my head, i made it a strength.

And at the same time, i let it trap me.  i believed that i belonged in a world where you got smacked if you didn’t want to right that minute.  That my peers and their innocence belonged somewhere else.

Sigh.

Of course, some of my peers were in the same boat.  i know that now.  But at the time, we seemed to live in different universes.

And, in all my knowing – you can’t know what you don’t know.

i’d been getting fucked for four years  when i realized that what happened when i touched myself and felt that wonderful, over the top, shuddering release ~ i was 16 when i realized that feeling was what was supposed to happen when you had sex.  Four years into it when it dawned on me ~ that feeling was this “orgasm” thing i was always reading about.  

{laughing}

i guess i had my own kind of innocence, right?

i’ve done so much work around all of that, and this morning when i got triggered, i still wanted to shut down and not think about it.  But just for a minute.

Instead ~ this morning i touch the pieces of my memories and feelings, and i add a new one.  Maybe that lost innocence really was a loss, and not some burden i chose to get rid of.  Maybe i really did miss something there.

 

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Blog Drop?

21 Mar

After the excitement of writing a blog post that Master R liked yesterday – and really, if you’ve read His book, you know why that’s so thrilling – but after that there’s just a touch of blog-let-down today…

No idea what to write about.

Nothing exciting happening in my life – unless you count sunshine and temperature in the 70’s yesterday. That was pretty exciting, and i actually went for a couple of walks and did some yardwork – no, ‘Nilla, nothing involving rakes… laughing…

It’s the longing, you know. Like an itch i can’t quite reach. Aching to be touched. Spanked. Ordered.

i don’t want to dwell on it – there’s no point. It’s not happening today. Thinking about it makes it worse…

And not thinking about it makes it worse. If i don’t think about it, i can almost forget it exists. And then i start to feel ~

~ dead.

i start to feel that some part of me has died. And i guess it has, when i quit longing, aching, wanting.

So i try to find that space in my head. Try to make sure it – she – stays alive.

It is a place of humility. she is humble. And yet – it’s confusing. Not humble in a mundane sense, i don’t think.

i look up the word – no, not humble in the sense of modest and meek. Really, i’m not very meek. No, if i can pick and choose the definition – humble in the sense of

“expressing a spirit of submission.”

Ok, kind of a circular definition here, but that’s what it is.

Yes.

FS used to talk about “taking me down a notch.” That feeling – when i catch my breath, and my heart skips a beat, and maybe everything stops for a second because i’ve just slipped down into a submissive state.

And it’s not – it’s down into that state, but being there is edifying. Being there is not oppressive or “down” in the common sense – it lifts me up.

It’s hard to find that space by myself. Master R’s book can do it – take me there. But it leaves me longing.

Sigh.

And then i feel like an unmatched sock, like my true Master is crumpled in the bowels of the washing machine somewhere.

Laughing – ok, maybe not. But i don’t know where He is. And maybe the idea of my “true Master” is silly. But ~

MoR says – more than once – that i’m a Derby quality race horse, pretending to be a Shetland pony.

i say, “Nuh-uh,” and laugh, because it sounds unlikely, at best, and overly complimentary at least.

But.

It occurs to me finally that it’s probably true – and only half compliment.

If that were true – it almost makes sense. Cause you know, the race horse looks good on the track, and people may admire it, but not many people really want to own it.

i bet a lot more people have Shetland ponies. After all, they’re little and cute, the kids can ride them, they’re probably low maintenance.

Whereas frigging race horses ~ sure, they’re pretty and fast, and on a good day, they wins some races. And they’re a big investment in money and time, they need to be trained and handled, they’re likely to break down, get tempermental, and generally be a lot of trouble. i prefer to think i’m not like that. Really. But i might be a little…

So what’s my point? Is there a point here?

i’ve been reading HS’s blog – she inspires me to question all kinds of things. i wonder – what does my submission mean? What’s it about?

i think it’s not just about pleasing my Sir, even though that’s how it manifests. It’s about ~

No. i won’t go into it now, not today, when i don’t have enough time to explore it, play with it, look at it. But really, ultimately it’s about love. Not so much romantic, happily ever after love.

It’s ~ love, or the light, however you want to think about it, is inside each of us. The goal is to let it shine. So my submission ~ the light of my submission ~ adds to the light of my Dom. my light shine on Him, so His light shines more brightly, on me and on everyone around us.

And His light increases my light. And ~

~ between us, we will be glowing!

i know, i’ve talked about this before. But i need to remind myself ~ i belong to a Master who understands that it is not just a power exchange between the two of us.

A Master who gets that it is about creating energy ~ phallic energy, sexual energy, energy of the goddesses who channel themselves through me.

We’ll call on energy from the 4 directions:

East is where the sun rises. The eastern spirit of sun or fire brings warmth and light. It is the place of beginnings. Its light brings wisdom. It is the power of knowledge.

South is the sun at its highest point. It is the direction from where warm winds blow. South is the spirit of earth, the power of life. It represents peace and renewal.

West is the spirit of water. It is the direction from which darkness comes. It is the power of change, the place of dreams, introspection and the unknown. The west signifies purity and strength.

North is the spirit of wind. The cold wind blows from the north. It is the power of wisdom. Here we take time to reflect on what we began in the east, in the morning, in our youth.

And our light will shine.

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Devoted

20 Mar

“Posture slaves!  The guests are arriving.”  All four slaves fall to their knees, with their palms up, open, and on their thighs.  All chins are up, with pride of position, all eyes are down, with proper humility.  slave legs are slightly spread, enough to be available, but not too vulgar.  Most important:  slaves are pumping out sex.”

That’s the opening paragraph of “A Safe Place, ” one chapter in  Master: The Unauthorized Autobiography of Master R.   Donna gave it to me , a while back,  and I think she’s probably surprised that i haven’t finished it yet.  Actually, i am too.

But.

When i read it, it shakes my world.  So i do a few chapters, and then i have to put it away.  

When i read about slave posture – it is my posture, the one i know in my heart.  Offering.

When he says “To offer is to crave,” i know what he means.  I know viscerally; instinctively, without words or reason.

Master R writes:

“slaves need posture.  It gives them something to do when otherwise they would think they had nothing to do.”  

i don’t know why i can feel that, it confuses me a little.  i haven’t experienced what he’s writing about.  But i know it.

He says:

“Posture, slaves!”  is one of my favorite basic commands, for it is an augury, a starting point, a promise.”

and it makes me long for a Dom who commands.  A Dom who understands that:

“slave in posture is slave being used.  That’s what slaves do best: be used.”

He is eloquent and arousing for me.   That speaks to me with some deep, primal truth.  My cunt throbs.

Then, in the chapter entitiled “Devotion:  The Disney Doms,” he talks about the new breed of Doms who haven’t paid their dues and learned the things that good Doms need to know.  He talks about slaves who think they can buy the SM experience from self-proclaimed Doms with little experience, or come by it quickly and easily. 

Understand, I can’t do what he says justice without quoting most of the chapter, and I can’t do that now.  But he says:

“The Disney dom world, for all its flash and fervor, lacks what is, perhaps, the most important part of life as an SM believer.  DEVOTION.”

And that resonates through me like a bell chiming.

Later, he says:

“Slaves learn, only through being devoted, what is most subtle and most fulfilling to their Dom.  In this process, a long one, they learn what is therfore most fulfilling to their slavesouls. SM is not a flighty subject.  If you fall to your knees too many times, for everything that looks yummy, you’ll end up with very sore knees and not much in your heart.  But if you practice Devotion, you will grow with your pursuit of happiness.  You will fulfill your promise to your Dom.”

Sigh.

i am a devoted kind of person.  When my kids were growing up, i was devoted to my family.  i don’t mean i gave them all my time and energy all the time, although some days i did for sure.

i also put energy into figuring out when i needed to take care of them and when i needed to step back and allow them to learn to do it themselves.  i learned to put energy into taking care of myself, so i could role-model that for them.

i was devoted to creating a family that would – in the great cliche – give them roots and give them wings.

When i used to wait tables?  i know, it sounds silly, but i tended to be devoted to my work place.   So sure, i’d work extra shifts, pick up extra tables, train new employees – whatever was needed.

And my first job as a therapist?  i couldn’t get enough of it.  i devoted all kinds of my time to it.  For the first ten years, when i wasn’t at work, i was reading about it, thinking about it, talking about it, probably way too much.  But it was the time for that.

Now – i still am devoted to my clients.  i’m not so devoted to the organization i work for.    And that’s ok.  My organization doesn’t need my devotion, and certainly wouldn’t be devoted to me in return.

But ~

~ i have devotion to offer. 

Having a devoted slave is work for that slave’s Master.  i know this.   It is not that the submissive gives and the Dom takes.

Master R says, of Doms:

“They know the depths and the paths of pursuit for this happiness.  They spend enormous amounts of time considering the needs of their submissives.”

When i read Donna’s description of her relationship with her Master/husband, Bill, i hear devotion on both sides.

When i look back at my relationships with Doms – with FS, with Sir D – they weren’t looking for devotion.  That’s not a criticism.  It’s just how it is.

i can still appreciate what we had, still hold each of them in my heart.  But they didn’t want what i have to offer.

{whispering}  i don’t think MoR does either.  i thought he did – all the hoops he made me jump through before and during our encounter – i think i thought that meant he wanted devotion.  Not in those words, cause i hadn’t read this part of  Master R yet, but in some sense, i thought he was seeking devotion.

And i could still be wrong – maybe he’ll decide he does want what i offer.  Or that i’m capable of offering what he wants.  But i don’t think it’s gonna happen.

And if he doesn’t want my devotion – that’s  not a criticism, not at all.  i think that MoR understands me, and is capable of being my Master.  That doesn’t mean he’s obliged to be, or even that it would be the best path for me in the long run.

But my sense of what i need is deeper today, maybe just because i have different words for it.  Maybe because reading Master R gives me hope that it exists.

 

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How Bored Am i?

19 Mar

This is pretty funny – I took a test to see if I was the submissive one or the dominant one. Here’s the result:

The submissive one
You scored ###

Based on these results, we can see that you’re submissive. You dont sacrifice your own desires for your partner, but you certainly put your partner’s needs before your own, and you are relatively obedient.

The test is on Ok Cupid, so after I took it, I went ahead and signed up for their matching dating thing. But then I discovered they want a photo and they want to ask a zillion questions. It looks too complex for me…

But if you want to take the test – here’s the link.

test

Actually, I’m not sure that link works.  Maybe it does.  It’s a stupid test anyhow… 

i’m going to find something constructive to do with my life.  Now.

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Quickie

19 Mar

No, not that kind of quickie!

Just don’t have much time this morning.  i should get someone to do my posts for me, like Mick does over at UCTMW…  {laughing}

Ok, maybe i have had some terrific guest posts lately.  i’m not complaining.

i went to drumming circle last night – it’s been ages since i did that and i’ve missed it…  Here’s a picture of a drum like mine:

And here’s a clip of a drumming circle that looks and sounds a lot like the one i go to – except for the fire – we weren’t outside.  Also there aren’t people talking in the background.  But the drumming sounds the same.   Press here.

It made me feel so wonderful, even though i was out of practice, and there weren’t a whole lot of us there.  But it was still – it’s a little bit like playing in the kink sense, cause you’re in the moment and you can lose track of yourself and be more aware of yourself at the same time.

Anyhow.  It made me wonder if i’m  acting like a teenager, being all caught up in kink and Doms and stuff  – not that i don’t have the rest of my life, but maybe i just need to add more things like drumming to my life.

So i’m going to a spring equinox celebration tonight, i think.  That should be fun too.

i’m excited about how many people are interested in coming to the bloggers convention, and will sit down and try to figure out if there’s an optimal time.  Regardless of what date we pick, there’s an open invitation to any of you if you want to come visit.  Every first weekend, there’s a munch and play party, if you’re interested in that.  So as far as i’m concerned, we could have a mini bloggers convention every month!

 On that note – time to go. 

O – wait – big news – MoR has bought a house.  At least it sounds like it’s all final – still has to be inspected, but contracts are signed.  So that’s very cool, and i’m so happy for him!

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More Q and A

18 Mar

Feeling better this morning, thank goodness, after a long day at work yesterday.

Saw a comment from Sfp first thing – i’ve gotten in the habit of checking my iphone as soon as i wake up to see if there’s anything exciting going on – and there she was.  She needs us to move the bloggers convention back from the first weekend in June since her kiddos will still be with her til the 9th.

Dear Sfp – will you come if we make it a different date?  Really???? That would be sooo cool.

Here’s what i was thinking – why i picked the first weekend in June.  i wanted to anchor it to a first weekend so we’d have the option of going to the munch – and, for anyone who wanted to, the play party afterwards.

We don’t have to anchor it to the munch/play party.  Or –

The first weekend in July is connected with the 4th of July holiday.  i thought that might be an advantage for people who were traveling, but also that people were more likely to be tied to family plans.  Plus, i think Mick and Molly might be at their Southwestern location for that weekend.

The first weekend in August would be fine with me, and i’d be willing to put it off that long if Mick and Molly and Donna and Bill would still be able to make it, if it means Sfp and maybe some other folks can come.  The down side of August is that it tends to be humid and nasty here, but i’ll be living with it anyhow.

So let me know your thoughts.  i think there was one other person who thought she and her Master might be able to come in June, and i haven’t heard from her yet.  Plus e-woman – i don’t know what might work for her.  Fortunately, there is still time to work it out.

We could even have a preliminary get-together in June and the real convention in September, if Mick and Molly and Donna and Bill were open to that.  i don’t know.  i’m easy.  And they wouldn’t both have to be here… although they could be.

On a different note  –

Got a question, as a number of us did, from Little Monkey.  She wants to know:

“How much physical damage is too much, for you? What are your limits on that? How much is too much? Where do you and yours draw the line? Bad bruising, welts, drawing blood, marks lasting a few days , or a few weeks, permanent scarring? What are your feelings on this topic?”

Good question, LM.  i gotta tell you – i think i sound like i’ve got all kinds of experience, but for real –

as close as i’ve gotten to “lasting marks” was when FS whacked me on the shoulder with his belt a couple of times.  It left welts that night, and the next morning there were tiny red welt marks that i could see if i looked really hard.

i liked that, but when i shared that with him,he got upset about it – he had not intended to leave marks!  What if i’d had to wear something that showed my shoulders?

i tried to reassure him that i really hardly ever wear off the shoulder dresses to my job in community mental health, but he wasn’t having it.  He threatened never to spank me again –

– which would have been a cruel punishment, wouldn’t it?  Especially since it wasn’t my fault i mark easy!

Of course, there was Sir D, and the marks from the risotto spoon:

 

The Spoon

And the marks it left:

 

It's 3/4 inches thick, maple wood. He barely tapped me with it. Need I say more?

 

 i was really proud of those.  But typically, by the next day, whatever marks there might have been have faded into obscurity.

Permanent scaring would be too much. 

Drawing blood would be too much.

i don’t know about marks – bruises or welts  – that last a few days or weeks – i guess not.  The risotto spoon experience seemed pretty intense to me, and the marks faded quickly.  i don’t know what it would take to leave more.

But i do like marks, and you know, that seems to be the kind of thing that changes over time.  So i’m not totally locked into an answer.   Also, you know me, it would depend on how “He” felt about it

Thanks for asking, LM.   It is still Q & A month, so if you got ’em, ask ’em…

And let me know – let’s continue the discussion about dates for the blogger convention.

 

 

 

 

 

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The Good News Is…

17 Mar

The good news is that not every adventure i have has to turn out well.  There is no law that says so. 

Cause if there was, i’d have broken it last night for sure.

i went to the stupid coffee thing.  And the person i was supposed to meet was apparently in the breakroom when i got there. 

And he didn’t know what i looked like.   Just my leg.

And i didn’t know what he looked like. 

Ok, his picture’s on fetlife, i didn’t look.  My fault.  Totally my fault.

Laughing ~

So – did i ask for him?  Ask if anybody’d seen him?

Noooooooooo.

i get a cup of coffee and sit down.  I chat a little bit with another woman who looked like she was alone – until her friend shows up and they leave to see if they can find a movie to watch.

I chat a little bit with a young couple – until another couple sits down and they start talking about on-line games.  Yes, i’m the only person there who’s not an on-line gaming addict. 

Ho hum. 

Another couple asks if anyone wants to play strip poker.  They’re shuffling the cards as a third person joins them. 

i don’t play poker.  And were they serious about strip poker?  Cause even if i played poker…

i know.  Clearly, i’m no fun.

Another couple comes in  and takes out a box; they start some kind of board game.  i’ve met them before, but neither one of them make eye contact with me or speaks.  i don’t remember their names.  

i get out my iphone and post on my blog…  i am not having fun.

There are apparently a lot more people upstairs in the smoking room.  i wish i still smoked.

Some guy who might have been the person who i was supposed to have connected with comes into the room at least once (i think.)  He doesn’t make eye contact with me either.  (If it was even him.  Which i didn’t know at the time.)

i feel like crying.

i know – i’m a big baby.  i just feel lonesome.  And sad.  You know.

i check to see if there are any comments on my post yet.  There aren’t.

i look around the room again.  There are about 10 other people.  Everyone is talking to someone else.  i try to decide if there’s a conversation i want to try to break into.

i think – fuck this.  i’m 55 years old, i don’t have to do this crap. 

i get up, throw away my cup and head out the door.

With great relief, i drive home.

i know i’m being a big baby.  i don’t care.  i have my own pity party all the way home.

At home, Gg has commented on my post – yay!  And – O!  Look – other people have too!  i still have friends.  There are people that like me! 

laughing…

and youall are really funny too!

Ok, the pity party is offically over.   At least the coffee was pretty good. 

*************************************

Wrote this last night – by the time i went to bed, i was fine with it all.   Woke up feeling almost over my cold, ready for work.  Noticed it was a little chilly in the house – the furnace isn’t working!

But i can’t complain.  Started the gas fireplace, and it’s not too cold this week, so i won’t freeze to death until i can get someone out to look at it.

So – who wants to come to a bloggers’ convention/party the first weekend in June?  Seriously. Let me know if you’re interested…

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Here i am

16 Mar

Ok youall. Here I am at the stupid coffee thing and I’m not having fun.

Why aren’t youall here?

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New Friends

16 Mar

Feeling a little bit better today, thank goodness, thanks to the magic of many medications.  i was thinking i might stay home today, but i’d planned to go to the kinky coffee event we have on Wednesdday nights.  If i stay home from work, i’ll feel weird about going.

i know.

Maybe that is kinda weird, apparently not everyone feels that way.  But i have this hangover from childhood – if i’m too sick to go to school/work, i’m too sick to be allowed to go do something fun. 

On the other hand, it’s very tempting to sleep some more…

Well, we’ll see.  One of the kinksters from Where-i-Live has been encouraging me to come, which of course makes me want to to do it.  He is one of a couple of younger local Doms – early 40’s – who i’ve been chatting with on fetlife. 

ES is also in his early 40’s, but not local.  Honestly, i’m not sure what the appeal could be of this 55 year old woman for someone that young, but i’m enjoying the conversation.  The local Doms are just being friendly, so that’s cool too.   {Really, they are, Sin.}

MoR and i are still talking when he’s not too busy house-hunting to have time for me.  We e-mailed a little bit yesterday while i was at the grocery getting milk and bread.  He has another house in his sites {cites?  sights?} and is hot on the trail.  

 

{In an interesting aside – interesting to me, anyhow, when i googled “hunter” and hit images, i also got this –

 

with the caption L.A.M.B. Hunter Bootie.  Cute, aren’t they?}

Anyhow, you met ES yesterday.  ES lives pretty far away, and is interesting and intense.  Too young for me, i still think, but he ignores that.

And there is TD.   i met TD on CM too.  He’s not local, but he’s not as far away as MoR and ES are.   He writes too – or at least he’s written some short stories and a couple of articles.

Isn’t that cool? 

i love men who write.  Partly, of course, because it’s a window into how they think.  Partly because it means they generate their own creativity.  And partly because it’s just fun. 

 Anyhow, i thought i’d introduce TD by way of an excerpt of a story he wrote.  It’s called First Meeting. 

  “He looks at her and smiles, then tells her to present. She lifts her arms over her head, then locks her fingers behind her neck, elbows straight out beside her, her eyes drop downward as she holds her head high, her back straightens, and her feet spread to approximately 2 ft. apart, then takes a deep breath.

He sees she is blushing immensely, fearful, yet excited about what is happening and to her reactions, she trembles. She looks beautiful standing there, the burgundy leather garment he has made for her drapes loosely off her body, being tied at the top around her neck by only a leather strand, and just under her breasts very loose around her back. The loin cloth just barely covering the tops of her legs in front, and covering all but the very lower part of her cheeks in back, while standing. He slowly makes his way around her, his hands softly glazing over her soft skin as he examines her, yet not intruding on her. She is silent as he gently touches her, noticing his feet coming back around in front of her, then his hand just under her chin, lifting her head upward, and again kisses her, this time passionately. He then reaches behind him, takes his collar and slowly places it around her neck, fastens it together, and locks it on her, as he tells her how proud he is to be able to finally call her his own. His lil girl.”

Maybe a better introduction would be from an article he was asked to write some time agao about “Crossing over” from a vanilla to a D/s lifestyle.  It’s an “Intro to” kind of article, and he ends with this:

  “Respect also plays a very large part in any D/s lifestyle. Granted, respect is earned and not just given, but it should still always be there. There is never any excuse for rudeness. It is a virtue to show respect, and an honor to gain respect. Before getting involved in a D/s relationship, you must make sure that there is mutual respect, not just the from submissive towards the Dominant, but also from the Dominant towards the submissive as well.

This could go on forever and never really touch much deeper than the surface of the lifestyle, but if you are interested in learning, and feel that it is in your heart, mind, body, and soul, you should not only read in the many sites offered, but study what is in those sites until you fully understand. Talk to people in the lifestyle; ask questions…on line or off line. Learn all you can learn before trying to get into a relationship. I feel if you do this, you will be building a good foundation to start your journey, gain respect from others in the lifestyle, and grow into a life greater than you could ever possibly imagine…

If these words have intrigued you somewhat and you are interested in becoming part of a growing community, this site has offered many a great deal of information to get them started… www.Castlerealm.com …find it, study from it, then open your eyes and soul to a new and exciting lifestyle…With that…have a good day, all…”

 Don’t bother clicking on the link – it goes to the website that doesn’t exist any more – the one Sin found the archives for a while back.  Actually, they’ve got a new website there now, not the right one.  But i liked that he linked to that site.

You can actually still link to it – Sin’s page has the link, way down at the bottom. on the right hand side.

But enough of that.  TD seems nice and interesting too, so that’s all good. 

Just to keep you up to date, FS is still dating a variety of women from the vanilla dating website.  Sometimes he shares his impressions of them with me.  i haven’t heard from him in a few days, so i’m thinking this last one may have had some lasting appeal.

i think i’ve resolved my work/party dilemma.  i think there are things i can do from home today that will allow me to stay home and still feel like i’ve worked enough to go have fun.  Plus, i might actually get some work done, and if i get too tired, i can nap.

Cool, huh?

 So maybe tomorrow i’ll have stories from the kinky coffee  – not “play” stories, no play is allowed – but stories.

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Still Pondering…

15 Mar

i was thinking that Sin’s comment yesterday about the saints getting something out of the experience of “submitting” to God was certainly right.  Contemplating still on Xantu’s post about her Master being too easy on her.   {At least, that’s my quick version of what her post was about…}

Does “He” – a generic “He” that should be “She” some of the time – does He do The Things We Do for my sake or for His pleasure?  Clearly, it is a circular balance, but how you see it makes such a difference.

When my second (last) husband and i separated, he said, “I didn’t want to do any of those things we did.  I just did them because you liked it, just did it to please you.  I didn’t want to.”

A sumbissive’s worst nightmare.   

 i know that wasn’t true ~ quickly i run through the evidence in my head that He liked it and wanted it and intiated it.  i know it wasn’t true, and it still makes me cringe.

But, in the circular balance of it all, it needs to be both.  Both Him liking it and initiating and me liking it and welcoming.  How that plays out, the balance we hit, how that works, is central to the relationship.    

i’ve been talking to someone on CM who i’ll call ES.    He sent me some of his thoughts on the subject:

“By all definitions the domination of you is the transition whereby you lose some rights equal to the gain of the dominant so that equilibrium is always maintained. This would include the articulation of the dominant writing to you about your desired fantasies which are in effect “his desired fantasies” of you by incorporating your “needs” and “desires” as such.
 
Put in another simpler way, it is what you do for him and not what he does for you. You are the one who has to please!

As an example you might have fantasies of your skirt being raised and your panties pulled down to your knees and having your bare ass cheeks strapped to a nice redden hue with a certain number of strikes.
 
While the fantasies originate in your mind, it is your dominant that decides on what kind of strap to use whether it will be a leather belt or the old fashion barber razor strap, where and when you shall be strapped and the number of strikes on your cheeks to redden them.  As well how your skirt is to be raised and who will do the pulling down of your panties to your knees. Also whether you are grabbed by a handful of hair and then brought to lean over the ottoman, the sofa, chair, the dining room table or simply to kneel on the floor.

As this example illustrates while the fantasy originates in your mind, the actuality of it is initiated by the dominant which in effect shows you as the subject conforming to his action based on your fantasy. So it is you submitting and doing what he wants. Even though you might have had the initial fantasy, it is about the dominant and what pleases him to do whatever to you.”

i thought that was interesting, and fairly hot too.   He said i could quote him, and since i’ve got a cold, and am pretty miserable, i thought you might enjoy meeting him and hearing a little bit of his ideas. 

Now i’m going to go snooze on the couch until the last possible moment to get ready for work… 

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