Archive | pain RSS feed for this section

The Major (Part IV)

31 Jul

A shiver runs through me at her words, and i stay where i am, on my knees, head to the floor, ass raised in the air.  i hear sounds behind me, maybe a drawer opening and closing, a closet door.  i listen, but have no idea what she’s doing.  

Til i feel ~ something ~ i don’t know what it is – tapping my ass.  It is ~ i think ~ maybe ~ it’s a riding crop?   She’s barely touching me with it, whatever it is.  Then ~~

“This is a crop,” she says.  “Made to be used on horses.  Human flesh is much more tender.”  i hear a whoosh and feel a sharp, burning sensation across the middle of my ass.  i want to jump up and run, but i don’t.  

She brings it down again, hitting right at the top of my thighs, and i cry out this time.  It hurts, hurts, hurts, and i know i’ll feel it there every time i sit.

i’m braced for the next one, but “Breathe,” she says.  “Relax in between.  It won’t hurt as much, and you’ll be able to take more.”

The tip of the crop strokes between the cheeks of my ass, making me gasp in a whole different way.  She laughs.

i begin to breathe again, and try to relax my muscles, and my mind.  Of course, just as i do ~~ 

WHOOSH 

~ it lands again, right between the first two stripes,

“AHHH!  OHHH!”  The pain soaks into my skin, into my flesh.  i’m panting, trying to absorb it.  Just as i do ~ yes, another stroke ~ a little lower on my thighs, and this time i scream.

Then Her hands are on me, she’s kneeling behind me, stroking gently, tracing the welts she’s raised.  i whimper, with pleasure now, mixed with the burning pain.

“Good girl,” she says.  “You took that pretty well.  Good girl.  He will want you to be able to accept pain.”  Her hands stroke gently,  “We’ll stretch you in many ways.”  

i hear her standing behind me, the click of her heels as she gets up.  “But now,” she says, “Get up.  We have work to do.”

***************************************************

In real life ~ i went out last night, stayed out til 1:00 this morning!  Needless to say, i slept in – which is why i’m so late posting ~ goodness, it’s already 9:00!  Day’s half gone… better get moving.

Tags: , , , ,

More Q and A

18 Mar

Feeling better this morning, thank goodness, after a long day at work yesterday.

Saw a comment from Sfp first thing – i’ve gotten in the habit of checking my iphone as soon as i wake up to see if there’s anything exciting going on – and there she was.  She needs us to move the bloggers convention back from the first weekend in June since her kiddos will still be with her til the 9th.

Dear Sfp – will you come if we make it a different date?  Really???? That would be sooo cool.

Here’s what i was thinking – why i picked the first weekend in June.  i wanted to anchor it to a first weekend so we’d have the option of going to the munch – and, for anyone who wanted to, the play party afterwards.

We don’t have to anchor it to the munch/play party.  Or –

The first weekend in July is connected with the 4th of July holiday.  i thought that might be an advantage for people who were traveling, but also that people were more likely to be tied to family plans.  Plus, i think Mick and Molly might be at their Southwestern location for that weekend.

The first weekend in August would be fine with me, and i’d be willing to put it off that long if Mick and Molly and Donna and Bill would still be able to make it, if it means Sfp and maybe some other folks can come.  The down side of August is that it tends to be humid and nasty here, but i’ll be living with it anyhow.

So let me know your thoughts.  i think there was one other person who thought she and her Master might be able to come in June, and i haven’t heard from her yet.  Plus e-woman – i don’t know what might work for her.  Fortunately, there is still time to work it out.

We could even have a preliminary get-together in June and the real convention in September, if Mick and Molly and Donna and Bill were open to that.  i don’t know.  i’m easy.  And they wouldn’t both have to be here… although they could be.

On a different note  –

Got a question, as a number of us did, from Little Monkey.  She wants to know:

“How much physical damage is too much, for you? What are your limits on that? How much is too much? Where do you and yours draw the line? Bad bruising, welts, drawing blood, marks lasting a few days , or a few weeks, permanent scarring? What are your feelings on this topic?”

Good question, LM.  i gotta tell you – i think i sound like i’ve got all kinds of experience, but for real –

as close as i’ve gotten to “lasting marks” was when FS whacked me on the shoulder with his belt a couple of times.  It left welts that night, and the next morning there were tiny red welt marks that i could see if i looked really hard.

i liked that, but when i shared that with him,he got upset about it – he had not intended to leave marks!  What if i’d had to wear something that showed my shoulders?

i tried to reassure him that i really hardly ever wear off the shoulder dresses to my job in community mental health, but he wasn’t having it.  He threatened never to spank me again –

– which would have been a cruel punishment, wouldn’t it?  Especially since it wasn’t my fault i mark easy!

Of course, there was Sir D, and the marks from the risotto spoon:

 

The Spoon

And the marks it left:

 

It's 3/4 inches thick, maple wood. He barely tapped me with it. Need I say more?

 

 i was really proud of those.  But typically, by the next day, whatever marks there might have been have faded into obscurity.

Permanent scaring would be too much. 

Drawing blood would be too much.

i don’t know about marks – bruises or welts  – that last a few days or weeks – i guess not.  The risotto spoon experience seemed pretty intense to me, and the marks faded quickly.  i don’t know what it would take to leave more.

But i do like marks, and you know, that seems to be the kind of thing that changes over time.  So i’m not totally locked into an answer.   Also, you know me, it would depend on how “He” felt about it

Thanks for asking, LM.   It is still Q & A month, so if you got ’em, ask ’em…

And let me know – let’s continue the discussion about dates for the blogger convention.

 

 

 

 

 

Tags: , , , ,

Missing the kink

10 Mar

i had no idea that my strange little fantasy yesterday would get such a strong reaction – i mean, really, if i’ve squicked out ‘Nilla, i think i should get some kind of prize…  {laughing} 

So my internet’s back, and because i’m so happy to have the universe back, i’ve spent my writing time catching up on OPB’s.  Nice way to spend time, not so good for my blog.

Got this from Donna last night:

and thought i’d share it here.  Classic Donna, right?

{Mick – there’s no conflict of interest here, right?  i know you’ve got her on your masthead, but you don’t have an exclusive contract, do you?}

MoR didn’t get the house He was chasing yesterday, so the hunt continues…  We’ve barely communicated still, thanks to Him being busy and me not having internet yesterday.  Although, i was able to download g-talk on my iphone for the future, but by the time i got it done, it was my bedtime.

And look at this post – where’s the kinky sex?

No where to be found.

i don’t mean my blog has to be about sex all the time – obviously not.  But you know, here i am and – o, never mind.

****************************************

One hand in my hair, He pushes me over the arm of the couch.  His hands are firm, insistent.  He rubs my ass.

And releases me.  Steps back.  i can feel a pocket of cool air around me – He had been heating me, now i gasp with shock.

i can hear Him, busy with something.  i hope it’s something for me, waiting here, ass in the air.  i feel like crying – doesn’t He know i need His touch?

And then – at last – He’s back – His hands rubbing, touching, fingers sliding deep into my pussy, feeling the wetness waiting there for Him.  i wiggle, trying to impale myself deeper on His finger. 

He laughs.  “That’s it,” He says, “Can you talk another?” but the next finger is inside me before He’s finished asking, and i moan, omigosh, yes.

Then, fingers still inside me, He begins to smack my ass, alternating cheeks, slowly at first, then faster, building speed as He goes.  

i am squirming, then struggling, but the fingers inside me hold me firmly in place.  There is no escape.

And, dismayed, i realize that i am getting wetter all the time.  That through the fiery pain on my ass, my arousal is clear.

i don’t want Him to keep spanking me, truly i don’t.  He shows no signs of letting up, it is a fierce spanking, and i’m whimpering first, then crying out – O- and finally –

i begin to say, “O, please stop – please – that’s enough  – please, Master, that hurts, that really hurts…”

And He continues, each smack landing exactly where He wants it, since with His fingers inside me, He can move me the way He wants… and He does, He raises my ass to meet His hand as it falls on –

– each smack makes me cry out now, and i plead with Him… until – quite suddenly –

i reach that space where i relax into it again.  It still hurts – make no mistake about it – it hurts, but i can reach for it, offer it instead of fighting it.

i relax and He can tell that i’m in that other space…

He doesn’t stop there, He doesn’t stop, but the slaps on my ass feel different now, and i moan and whimper with a different tone.  i want this now, want to be His, want to belong, want Him to do as He pleases with me…

“Who do you belong to?” He asks.

“You, Master, i belong to You.”

 

 

 

Tags: , ,

New toys

10 Oct

 “When someone beats a rug,
the blows are not against the rug,
but against the dust in it.”
— Mawlana Jalal-al-Din Rumi

Those lines are the perfect intro to His new toy. 

This is an old-fashioned carpet beater. It can be used in other ways too. Yes, that's one of them. Yikes.

He didn’t take pictures of the cross hatches on my butt.   You’ll just have to imagine them.

i think this was worse than the – you know, the cooking implement.  But it’s hard to say. 

In any case,  i think i’m pretty dust-free at the moment.  {Laughing}

Tags: ,

Darkness and light

29 Sep

“Pain, when pushed and endured long enough, brings to the surface the uninhibited, raw soul of human beings. When two people can experience this together, it is like meeting on another plane.” –FifthAngel

One of the workshops i went to at the BDSM event involved inflicting pain and pleasure through pressure points.  Yikes.  The presenter was the incredibly sexy sadist, who i’ve quoted before.  He used volunteers in the class.  On a mat, in the middle of the circle of chairs in the room –

 He asks for volunteers.  Ten or so young women eagerly raise a hand.  He scans the audience, scans and – points.  You. 

The lucky young woman comes up.  Eager,nervous, on the verge of giggles.  But not for long.  He takes her hand, and in less than a second –

-she gasps, and falls to her knees. 

Seriously.  It is dramatic.  And obviously painful – for her.   As He continues the demonstration,  fewer people raise their hands to volunteer.  He has predicted this too – the drop off in willing victims.

He demonstrates some pleasure points from time to time.  It’s fascinating to watch his model shift from barely restrained moans, clenched teeth, body taut and strained,  to utterly relaxed,  a purr of contentment heard throughout the room – in a moment.   But that is not his focus.   He is all about the pain.

Watching it is – odd.   Even though i know better, the urge to stop pain is deeply engrained in most of us.  We’re taught in all kinds of ways that life should be pain-free, so watching someone experience real pain – NOT an o-ouch-isn’t this fun? kind of pain – is just odd.   i’m used to doing it with emotional pain – i watch my clients suffer all the time.  But physical is different for me. 

Although.   i think about the clients i know who hurt themselves physically in response to emotional pain.  It blurs the line.  Lots of people are horrified by that – and some teenagers call it “being emo” and embrace it.   Have websites and chat rooms where they can talk about it.   i know a lot about this type of seeking out pain.  i know some ways that it’s different  from what i watched at the workshop, and some ways it isn’t. 

i think about initiation ceremonies, which involve some kind of pain.  And the range – from sailors who used to get tatoos to mark their first sea voyage to genital mutilation.  Tatoos are part of our culture now, no shock there anymore.  And genital piercings – not such a big deal.  Not to mention circumcision, which is pretty much taken for granted.   (Side note on circumcision – a study showed that babies who underwent circumcision as part of a religious ceremony cried for a shorter time and less intensely than babies who underwent the procedure in the hospital.  They speculate that the difference is in being surrounded by people who love and care for you.  Isn’t that cool?)

We don’t mind other people’s pain too much, but we avoid our own.  Advertisements for medication – selling magic pills – and my clients come in certain that Pill X,  Y,or Z can fix whatever’s bothering them.  Even if it’s an abusive boyfriend, an out of control child, lack of money, housing, or love – surely there’s a pill that can make it better.  (ooh, i didn’t know that rant was coming… sorry.)

i know that my clients who’ve experienced trauma – childhood sexual abuse, rape – want to avoid the memories, avoid feeling the emotional pain.  Of course they do.  When i tell them they need to remember, to come to terms with it, to process it, they look at me like i’m insane.  “WHY?” they ask.   “Why would i want to remember that?”

I sympthize with them.  Sigh.  It sounds crazy, what i’m telling them, i know that.  But i know, if they can’t feel the pain, they can’t feel pleasure either.   Emotionally numb, lives caught up in trying to avoid pain, and still the pain hangs on.  That’s what drives them to see me, what eventually, maybe, pushes them into the healing journey.

Embracing the pain is powerful.  That’s the message of initiation rites.  We subs know that too,  whether we’re masochists or not.   If there’s no pain, no discomfort, how do we know He’s in control?   Could there be subspace without pain?  Subspace without subdrop?

Submit:  To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.   {Laughing}  Just reading the dictionary definition starts to make me hot.   Submission is about doing some things i might not really want to do.  The idea thrills.  Accepting pain, whether it’s spanking or orgasm denial or pressure points, is an easy way to show i mean it. 

Last night, Sir suggested that he might require me to wear my open stockings to a vanilla event – pantyless, of course.  It made me squirm immediately.    Would i do it?  Of course i would.  {blush}  In a heartbeat.   And it makes me squirm right now.

Last night, i went to a lecture.  i knew some of the people there, i was interested in the topic, and it all lived up to my expectations.  About halfway through, i looked around the audience, and i got this tremendous rush of love and pleasure.   The shared experience, sense of community, and feelings of connectedness were deep and powerful.  Big waves of joy flowing through me. 

i believe the joy and the pain are linked.

Like pieces of a puzzle – some parts i understand a little.  The actual pain of trauma.  Survival.  Numbness.  The pain of memories.  The pain inflicted by a sadist on a masochist.  Pleasure.  Endorphins kicking in.  Self-harm.  Submission.  Acceptance.   Joy.  i may not know exactly how they fit together.  i may be missing some pieces – how do  Doms and sadists fit into the picture?  What does their piece look like?  But i know it all goes together.  It creates a harmony.

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.”  Kahlil Gibran

i don’t understand it, but i know it’s true.  And the pain is linked to the joy.  i can’t claim one without the other. 

Namaste.

Tags: , , ,

Newer Entries →