Archive | November, 2011

Sleeping Beauty

12 Nov

Omigosh, i started the book series i won in the raffle at the munch – The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty.  Yikes.  

i totally see what all the excitement was about.

It’s ~ well, you really have to read it yourself.  It’s fairly amazing.  Definitely one-handed reading.

And this post is just a place-holder of sorts.  i spent my blogging time on the phone with my daughter, who’s angst-ridden and anxious and needed Mama time.  Lucky for her i’m an up-before-dawn kinda woman.

Yes, she’s better now.  Mama’s magic still works…  laughing…


Time to go do my volunteer gig.  i’ll be back later.

Veterans Day, Warriors and Doms

11 Nov

“The Way of a Warrior is based on humanity, love, and sincerity; the heart of martial valor is true bravery, wisdom, love, and friendship. Emphasis on the physical aspects of warriorship is futile, for the power of the body is always limited.”
– Ueshiba Morihei, The Art Of Peace

I’m pondering that quote today ~ Veteran’s Day ~ posted it on Facebook too.  

As you may have guessed, if you’ve been reading my blog a while, i didn’t grow up with great male role models.   They weren’t awful ~ not when i was growing up ~ they just weren’t there.

My first “romantic relationship” was abusive, inherently by virtue of the 8 year age gap – i was “just turned 13.”  Later, it was abusive physically and sexually.

For the longest time, i thought men were nice and weak or “bad” and powerful.  Being submissive, being a strong woman, i was drawn to power.

Not always my best choice in a vanilla world.

It’s taken me a lifetime to realize those are not my only choices.  

John Eldridge touts the idea that in order to grow up, boys need to find the answer to the question, “Am I man enough?”   He says that in our culture ~ devoid of initiation rites ~ they often end up asking the women in their lives that question.

And we can NOT give them the answer they need to hear.  O, we can say, “YES!  OMG, YES!  Of course you’re man enough.”  We can say it a million times, in different ways.  

It doesn’t matter.  They need to hear it from other men.  They need to earn the “yes, you are man enough.”

i’ve come to believe this is true.  

i’ve come to understand that male power is not necessarily violent and harmful. Not necessarily uncontrolled.

Some of that learning has come through BDSM.  When i read the quote about the Way of the Warrior, i think we could almost substitute The Way of the Dom/me.

{Note:  A Warrior Spirit exists in women too.  It may not be primary for most of us, but it’s there – think “Mama Bear.”  Our ways of managing it and coming to terms with it are different.}

Anyhow.  All of this ~ and my point is?

It’s Veterans Day ~

~~ Thank you to all the veterans,

                      ~to those who died protecting us, 

~to those whose lives were forever changed by the battle,

      ~~and to all those who were willing to serve.

i wanted to share my gratitude to those with the spirit of Warriors,

And to Dom/mes who hold their integrity and their strength as beacons of light, leading us home, keeping us safe.

Thank you all.

LOL 6 – Love Our Lurkers

10 Nov

Thanks to Bonnie over at My Bottom Smarts, who started this event six years ago.  What a terrific idea – to have a time to honor all of you who read our blogs and don’t comment.

i imagine that people who read kinky blogs regularly and don’t comment often end up feeling like part of the community anyhow – at least i hope so.  i know i have readers from many different countries, and i love the idea of us being tied together by our kinky desires.

i started out as a lurker, of course.  i imagine most of us did.  But i’m not so good at keeping my opinions to myself, so it wasn’t long before i was commenting, and just a quick step to my own blog.

i know my readers come to me through all kinds of search engine terms.  “vibrating egg in pussy” is a favorite.  “spank with a spoon” “reciprocating saw dildo” “yardstick” and “i worship the cock” appear frequently.  “spanking bench” “collarme” and “clothes hanger clamps as nipple clamps” show up.   They all remind me of times gone by.

But today, i want you to know that i appreciate you.  i’m glad you read my blog.  AND i invite you to comment ~ today, or any day.

You can do it anonymously.  Or you can create a whole persona, complete with your own kinky email address.

That’s what i did – or, actually, First Sir did it for me.  At the time, i didn’t even know i could do that.  Gosh, that seems like a long time ago…  

So don’t be afraid – come on out and say Hi to us!

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Yesterday, i did that thing where i get real unsure of myself and unsure of how Sir X feels about me, and i had about 5 different streams of thought bouncing off each other in my head.  

Lots of “i should have’s” and “He probably’ s.”  Enough to drive me crazy for sure.

So i just wrote them out and sent them to Him.  i told Him it was a look into the dark recesses of my mind, and it was that for sure.  

i didn’t apologize for thinking the way i was, and i didn’t apologize for sharing it with Him.  i just laid it out there.

Then i resigned myself to waiting.

And you know what?

He emailed me back quickly.  

In just a few paragraphs, He totally dispelled my anxiety.   It wasn’t ~ paternalistic or condescending.  He didn’t just say “Don’t worry,” although He did reassure me i didn’t need to be worried about the particular thing, that it was ok.  But He shared His thoughts and experience, so i could see it really was ok.

That was something to hold on to, and i read it several times throughout the day.  He really is just right for me…

An Odd Little Fantasy

9 Nov
This odd little fantasy appeared in my head after your comments on my post about maintenance spankings.  It has nothing to do with real life, or with me or my friend ‘Nilla.  In fact, the characters in it are pure fantasy.  It is strictly coincidence that they’re named ‘Nella, Alisha, and Sir Z. {Also i’m having trouble with the line spacing – please forgive me.}

“Wait right here,” He says, smiling.  “I need to get my stuff out of the car.”

“Out of the ~” i start to ask, but He’s already turned away.  i exchange looks with my friend ‘Nella.  “i don’t know,” i say with a shrug.  “But the munch isn’t til 7, there’s plenty of time.”
We wait, i am still standing where He left me as He finished fastening my collar in place.  He had tugged it then, a gesture that made me gasp, filled me with pleasure and the thrill of submission.

So i wait for Him to come back.  

‘Nella, my friend and dear subsister, is sitting at the kitchen table, beaming at me. We are going to a munch tonight, her first.  Excitement dances in her eyes.

He returns then, my Sir, and i hear Him set something down in the living room.  Curious, i move to the doorway.

It’s His bag.  He’s brought in His bag ~~ and is opening it.  What is He ~~?

He looks up, sees me in the doorway.  “Yes, good, ” He says.  “Come on out here,”   He is pulling things out of His bag.

Cuffs.

Some rope.

“What ~ what are you ~” i stammer ~ i recognize these things.  He uses these to ~ when we ~ O.  O, my.

“What?” He says.  “What am I doing?  Just what it looks like.  You didn’t think I’d forget your spanking, did you?”  Smiling, so casual, so matter-of-fact,  i’m confused.

“But ~ but ~” i’m jerking my head toward the kitchen, but He’s not looking at me, so i say it, “But ‘Nella’s here!  You can’t ~ um, are you serious?”

He’s still smiling, but, “I can’t?” He says.  “Is that what you said?”

“Um, o ~ no, no, that’s not what i meant.  i meant, um, i meant,” and i’m totally flustered now.

“I thought,” He said, “That the agreement was that once you put the collar on, you do what I tell you to do.  Is that not right?”

“No ~ yes ~ yes, that’s right.  Yes, Sir.  It is.”

“So is there a problem?” and as He asks it, He holds out the cuff.  Without thinking, i offer my wrist, my right wrist, as He’s taught me.  

“No, Sir,” i say, “No problem, not exactly a problem, no, it’s just, um, you know, ‘Nella, Sir.  She’s here… and you know…”

“Oh, I see,” He says.  “You think ‘Nella might have a problem with it.  Well, let’s see.  ‘Nella, would you come here for a minute, please?”

She pops around the corner right away, and of course she’s been listening.  i think she’s blushing a little bit, but smiling.  “Yes, Sir Z?” she says.

“‘Nella, we seem to have a bit of a dilemma here.  Alisha needs to be spanked and she seems to think you’ll have a problem with that.” He pauses, having just fastened the second cuff on me.   Looks at ‘Nella, who’s grinning broadly.  “Do you not want her to get spanked? “

“O, I don’t mind at all,” she says.  “I’m sure Alisha needs to be spanked, I wouldn’t want to get in the way of that.  I can just go for a walk.  A long walk.”

He shrugs, intent on unbuttoning my shirt.  “You can, of course,” He says.  “If that’s what you want to do.  Or you can stay and watch.”

i’m stunned, i open my mouth, but nothing come out.  He has opened my shirt, now His hand goes to my mouth; He presses a finger to my lips.

Clearly, i am not to speak.  i bite back the words that had almost escaped me.

“Alisha won’t mind, I’m sure,” He says.  “After all, she’s played publicly before, other people have seen her naked, getting her lovely ass flogged.”  He looks at me, “Right, my sweet?”

And i realize of course He is right, and all i can do is nod.

“It’s a delicious sight,” He says.  “Watching her take it, she’s beautiful,” and His hands pinch my nipples, through my bra at first.

Then He grasps a breast, pulls it up so the nipple is exposed, the bra pushed tight under the breast. “Look,” He says.  “Already hard and waiting for me.”  He pinches it, tugs on it, making it harder.

Then He turns His attention to the other breast.  Repeats the process.

And says to ‘Nella, who’s watching with interest, “It’s your call, of course.  Whatever you want to do.”

Sir X and My Ex

8 Nov

Vanilla moments ahead ~ i have to fire someone this week.  Can i just say how much that sucks?   i think i’ll have to do it Thursday, which means two more days of prepping for it and dreading it.

Great.

My Sir had a death in the family, which is sad, of course.  She was a cousin.  They had been close as children.

But ~ being the selfish hag that i am ~ i’m mentioning it because we were supposed to get together tonight.  He thought the funeral services would be this afternoon.  But they’re tonight.

So we’re not getting together.

No, i’m not going to the funeral service with Him.  i think that would be a distraction and not so helpful for Him.

Well, and besides, He didn’t ask me to.  So i’m assuming He doesn’t think it would be helpful.

i’m ok with that.  i want Him to do what works for Him.  i do miss the time with Him.  i hope we can get together Thursday instead.

But i surprise myself sometimes by the depth of the calm i feel about Him and our relationship.  

i had a dream recently.  {Yes, it’s gonna be an Sfp moment here.}

i dreamt that Sir X and i were eating lunch, and decided to ask my ex-husband ~ B, the second one, the one who might have been a Dom ~ to join us. 

So he does, and he and Sir X talk, i don’t remember any of that, but i think he was telling Sir X about me.

But as they’re talking, i look over and see that Sir X’s face is changing. And His hair.  Little by little, He’s starting to look just like my ex.

In the dream, i just notice this, i’m not upset or worried, except ~

~ i start to leave, and i want to kiss Sir X good-bye, but i realize that i’m not sure which one He is.

And then He turns to kiss me, and i realize, o, of course You’re the one.  And i kiss Him and leave.

Then i wake up.

So i kind of thought for a minute, omg, is that my subconscious telling me that He’s really just like my ex????

I KNOW He’s not ~ trust me, He’s not ~ but still ~ what did it mean??

Fortunately, JM, the amazing analyst, was on my calendar for later in the week.  After some discussion, we agreed that maybe my subconscious is pointing out ~

~ they’re not completely different, even if i’d like to think they are.  It would be easier to think of B as “the bad guy” and Sir X as “the good guy” and completely separate them, but it’s never that simple.

~  AND we don’t know the end of the story with Sir X.    And there is always, sooner or later, a moment when you look at the person you’re with and think ~ “Is that YOU?  You’re the person i married/fell in love with/want to be with???  Are you kidding?”  

Those are the moments that can make or break a relationship.  It is always a risk.

So that moment in the dream ~ who are you? Which one is Sir X?  You both look like my ex!

And Sir X is the one who lets me know, by His actions, that it’s Him, that He’s not my ex.  When he turns  to kiss me, i know, with a sigh of relief,  O, of course, You’re Him.

My Maintenance Spankings

7 Nov

When Sir X and i first started seeing each other, He very quickly laid down some basic structure for our relationship.   He said, “I know you’re really busy, but we need time to spend together.  I want your Saturdays.”

Of course i said yes.  

Then ~ in that same conversation ~ He says, “Now, i know you like spankings, and that’s good.  But are you the kind who acts up if you want to get punished?  If you haven’t gotten spanked enough?”

And i say, “no, i don’t think so,” and He says, “No, I don’t think you’re like that,” at the same time, and we laugh.

So He says,  “Maintenance spankings.  That way you get spanked regular, we don’t have to worry about it.  I think you need to get spanked once a week for sure.  How does that sound?”

He pauses and looks at me.  i’m nodding, yes i think that’s a great idea.  i wonder if He knows that idea makes me wet.  

But now He’s looking thoughtful.  “Maybe twice a week,” He says.  “Yeah.”  My heart’s pounding, pussy throbbing.   “I think you might need to be spanked regularly twice a week.”

And that’s how it’s been.  

Once a month He has to work on Saturday, so we don’t always see each other that Saturday, but for the most part we do.  If we have something planned, He comes over early to spank me first.  

Well, not the week ‘Nilla was here.  {giggles}  That would have been awkward.  

But for the most part.  And usually there is more than spanking involved.  You know.  Some sexual stuff happens, there are orgasms involved…

And spanking happens.

Hand, flogger, stingy rope, and belt.  Sometimes the canes.  

The canes are wicked.  They bite, raise welts, make me gasp.

i like them.  i know, that’s crazy, right?  But i do.  

When He’s finished, i feel so good.  i feel so submissive, and i want to kneel in front of Him, i want that so much.

And He doesn’t seem to mind.  {smiling…}

Then, before He leaves on Saturday, we figure out what day of the week we’re going to get together next.  This is very reassuring for me.  i like knowing.

Thinking about the spankings makes me tingle, even as i write this.

i don’t know if i would like a maintenance spanking every day.  i might.

He spanks hard.  No doubt about that.  But slowly.  He lets the sting settle into my skin before the next one comes.  

Each one lands, carefully placed.  Whether it stings or thuds, i absorb it, take it into me.  It rolls through me.

Tied to the door, arms above my head, feels different from bent over the couch.  

Either way, it hurts, hurts in a way i embrace.

He has not pushed the limits of what i can take ~ or He has not reached those limits.  If He wanted to, He could do that, and much more, quickly with the canes.  But He doesn’t.  He gives me just as much as i can take.

Then He says, “One more.  Just one more.”

He hasn’t left marks that lasted beyond the next morning.  i want Him to, but it hasn’t worked.  Yet.

Now He’s talking about thuddy implements, which He’s not used so far.  Paddles.  Wooden spoons and hair brushes.  

Yikes.

i know, beyond doubt, that He won’t harm me.  

i know, beyond doubt, that He will make it hurt.

Laughing… and isn’t that just as good as it can possibly be?

Blog Smorgasbord

6 Nov

As we’ve been talking about love, i’ve been thinking about the idea that we grow to love people by behaving lovingly towards them.  One of the mixed blessings of my first marriage is that it gave me lots of opportunity to learn this.

i would sometimes be so hurt and angry at my husband that i didn’t think i could stand it, i just wanted out, i felt like i hated him.  i’d weigh out my options, and each time, for many years, i’d end up sighing and staying.

But i wouldn’t stay and be miserable, and i couldn’t be happy and hate him at the same time.   So i’d make myself behave with love.

This was not what i felt like doing.  But it was the right thing to do.

Amazingly, in just a short time, my feelings would shift to align with my behavior.  As i did loving things for him, my heart would crack open, i’d be able to focus on the things that were positive about him, and eventually love would be in the room again.

For me, it was simply that i was not going to be an unloving person, or live in a household without love.  

In graduate school, i learned about cognitive dissonance.  i think that’s part of the psychological explanation for how that worked.   

So i’ve been thinking about that as i write about love.  Then i stumbled across this link on Facebook:

http://youarenotsosmart.com/2011/10/05/the-benjamin-franklin-effect/

The article says ~ in part ~

The Misconception: You do nice things for the people you like and bad things to the people you hate.

The Truth: You grow to like people for whom you do nice things and hate people you harm.

It’s a pretty cool article, and supports the idea that actions can drive our feelings.   Maybe we are what we do,  

In any case, i thought i’d throw the link into the mix for your consideration.

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On a different note, i really enjoyed the comments on the video “Cunt.”  It was nice hearing from some people i didn’t know before or don’t usually hear from too.  

If you enjoyed the video, you will probably also like this blog post.  {Also coming to you compliments of Donna…  thanks, Donna!}  The comments are particularly fun.

http://dodsonandross.com/blogs/kasini/2011/11/cunt-vs-pussy

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And last night, Sir X and i went to the munch.  He came over early so i didn’t miss getting my maintenance spanking.  In fact, my ass was still pink and a little stingy, a pleasant reminder of my time bent over the arm of the couch.

He brought me the new collar He made for me.  Here it is:

It’s very simple, just a few strands knotted at intervals.  i love it.  He says He may do it in a color too.  i’m hoping for purple.

The munch was fun.  Great food, more room to get up and socialize than there has been at some other venues.  We both enjoyed it.

Of course, Ms. Constance and Drew were there.  Ms. Constance was beautiful in a multi-colored silky top with full, flowing sleeves, and a skirt with fringe around the bottom.  She was wearing a lovely necklace that Drew,had brought her from his trip to Alaska.

She’s spearheading our local “I *HEART* it in The Can” drive, collecting canned goods and pet supplies.   Of course, she was getting an overwhelming response.

My friend from England, H, was there, and it was fun talking to her.  BTW, she says i’m still glowing.  Just for the record, in case you were wondering.  Apparently it hasn’t worn off at all.

There were a couple of raffles  too.  One of them was to raise money for the regional title holders of Master/slave, so they can go to the international level of the contest.  

i wasn’t going to buy one, but then i felt bad for not supporting jackie and Sir Charles, especially when jackie was selling the tickets.  i never win anything, but that’s no reason not to make a donation, right?

AND ~ guess what!!!

YES~~

i won!!

The prize was a set of the Anne Rice trilogy “Sleeping Beauty,” which i haven’t read, and a flogger.

We left right after the drawing ~ with me blushing, as Sir X slapped the flogger against His hand, and H laughingly chanted, “O, you’re in so much trouble!  You’re gonna be in so much trouble when you get home…”

But the flogger will have to wait for another day, because when we got home there was a time of tenderness and gentle caresses.  i will draw the veil of privacy here.

Cunt

5 Nov

For some reason, I can’t get on any of the wordpress blogs today on my computer. Don’t know why I can do it here on my iPhone but not the computer.

But I had planned a short segue off the topic of love anyhow. You may have noticed that my title is a word we often don’t associate with love.

For me, cunt is a sensual humiliation word. Make me say it and I blush. And get a little wet.

Donna sent me the video below. Thoughts??

Winter Wickedness!

4 Nov

i had asked Sir X if He wanted to go to Winter Wickedness a week or two ago, not expecting a response then.  But a couple of days ago, i got the notice that early bird tickets for COPE volunteers were going on sale.  So i asked about it again, in an email, and waited patiently.

Yesterday was the day to buy tickets, and i was intentionally not asking again.  He brought it up right away though and said ~~

He wanted to go!!!  

YAY!!!!

It’s in Columbus, Ohio, so any of my blogging friends who live close to there – tickets go on sale at midnight tonight!  They sell out in a few days, so get your ticket now!

http://www.adventuresinsexuality.org/WICKED2012_portal.html

Ok.  That’s the end of the advertisement.  

The collar He made me is really simple, and it’s beautiful.  It will be less conspicuous than the other collars i’ve worn that He made, and i love it.

Understand, i am not collared, it is a collar of consideration.  We are both considering.

i’m still contemplating the love/submission interface that Greengirl led me to recognize.  

i no longer think of “love” as being something i feel so much as something i do.  i don’t know if that will make sense to anyone, but there it is.

i came to that backwards, i guess, and it took me a while.  

Trying to reconcile the power of hearing the words “I love you” with receiving selfish and unloving actions kept me baffled for a long time.  

I struggled.

Is he doing the best he can do?  No one’s perfect.   Am i expecting too much?  Does he not really love me?   But he acted like he did…  Has he stopped loving me?

If i love him enough, will he love me again?

i wrestled with those questions.  

But i don’t so much anymore.  {No, really, Sin… laughing…i don’t usually, or for long.}

That was all focused on trying to figure out what HE felt and reconcile it to how HE acted.  i don’t have to do that.

Words are nice.  Actions matter.  

i can accept his words as sincere ~ he may really believe i’m the best thing since sliced bread, he may love me wholeheartedly.  BUT ~~

~~ if his actions aren’t loving, the words are empty, and it doesn’t matter if he “means them”or not.  If he can’t live them, it doesn’t matter.

AND it is the same for me.  

If i feel all kinds of warm, fuzzy passion, then i need to act with love.  In fact, i’m pretty sure the goal is to act with love all the time.

In a sexual relationship, for me, that means submission.  

If he’s looking for something different, a Domme, a vanilla relationship, or a different flavor submission, then it won’t matter how much i “care,” he needs to keep looking.  But my part of the equation needs to be love, not for him, but because that’s who i want to be.  

i might be a little jealous of youall who have found your one true love.   There’ve been times i’ve thought that too.  

That hasn’t turned out to be my path.

Thank goodness, i’m no longer looking for someone to father and help raise my children.  Having accomplished my job in keeping the universe going for one more generation, i’m free to look for the relationship that nurtures my own growth.   The relationship that allows me to develop who i am.


Love??

3 Nov

Greengirl did a beautiful post over at What i Wonder – here.  It made me think, as she so often does.  

i commented ~ Sir J came back over here and commented on my comment ~ and i realized i had more to say.  Not unusual for me, right?

But it occurred to me that in Gg’s post, everywhere she’s written “be submissive to” or “submit to,” we could substitute “love” and it would totally work.

This may not be the first time i’ve had this particular revelation, but it’s still a powerful one.  

i think that it’s not true for everyone.  Sir J says that “I suppose it also possible for a D/s relationship to flourish out of love but I personally have never see it.”

i think he’s right, but i think some people really are just in it for the kink, that it’s not about love in quite the same way.  But maybe it is in some kind of way that i can’t see.  i don’t know.

i know that Greengirl’s post touched me deeply.

Sir J says:  “I believe Dominance and submission are a context in which one (or two I guess more accurately) frame the action of love”.

In my experience, it really does take two that frame it that way.  In my vanilla relationships, for a long time, i would try to be submissive (without the words or the structure for it) and it didn’t work well.  i think my partner has to be willing to be Dominant.  

“Dominant” to me is (at least) willing to take responsibility, willing to be leaned on and looked up to.  Willing to earn my trust and respect.  And into spanking, or some kind of control ~ that’s really a huge part of it for me.

i used to give trust and respect first and hope for the best, let them dis-earn it.  With the D/s framework, i’m learning to do it the other way around, at least i hope i am.

But it is all about love, isn’t it?  D/s isn’t the only way to love, but it’s the one i want.  And i wonder if  i could do that ~ go back through my posts and substitute “love” for submission…

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Sir has made me a new collar, and asked for my measurements ~ no, not chest, waist, hips ~ neck, wrists, ankles!  i still have no idea what He has planned for today.

Can’t wait to find out.

Smiling…