i just need to add this.
When we’re babies, we learn that we have control of other people. If i cry, someone responds. Once i make that connection, i can began to try to make sense of everything else.
i may learn that if i ask, i get it. The cookie on the table? In my family, i needed to say “the magic word,” ~ “please.” It got immediate results, most of the time. And “thank-you” came right after getting the cookie, before the first bite.
We learn that our words and actions lead to responses. We think that our words and actions cause and control the responses.
It is magical thinking, and it’s developmentally appropriate. There is some truth to it, but it’s not always as simple as please-and-thank-you.
Once we’ve made the connection ~ learned that what we do impacts the universe and changes what happens to us~ we begin to try to make sense of it. To learn rules about how the world works.
We learn what gets attention and what doesn’t, what to do to get a “Good girl,” or what to do to get in trouble. The more solid and reliable the people around us are, the easier it is to learn the rules, and to make sense of the world in a way that ~ well, in a way that makes sense.
The flaw in a child’s thinking is that ~ to some extent ~ we’re always trying to figure out what we did to make things happen and what we can do to either make the thing happen again or keep it from happening again, right? And sometimes, we didn’t do anything. Can’t do anything.
So if my parents fight about whether or not i can go to camp, i may feel responsible for them fighting.
As an adult, we can say to the child, “O, no, sweetie, that wasn’t your fault, that’s on them.”
And the child may think, “But if i hadn’t asked about camp, they wouldn’t be fighting. So it is my fault, i started it.” And right there – in that moment – unreasonable guilt is born.
If you learn a lot of that guilt in childhood, it can be harder to shed in adulthood. And sometimes, the lessons have been so confusing that we blame others for things that we ARE responsible for and carry guilt for things that are NOT ours.
For those of us who have found ways to straighten that out in our heads most of the time, life gets easier. But there are losses that come with the growth.
If i’m not guilty ~ not responsible ~ for other people’s actions, it also means i have no control over them. If i have no control ~ o, yikes ~ if i’m not in control, all kinds of horrible things can happen. Right?
Yeah. Many of us grew up believing that it was our job to make things work. To make them go smoothly. To make peace, calm troubled waters, take care of everyone, make them happy. The belief that we can and should be able to do all that all the time is not so easy to give up.
Other times we learned that it didn’t matter what we did. That nothing we did made any difference.
i dont’ know how all this plays out in TTWD. But those early childhood lessons are the foundation of our beliefs about control. Part of BDSM, for sure, is about how we handle control.
So there are connections to be explored.
Is BDSM one opportunity for me to explore not being responsible for things i’m not responsible for? Is it my chance to learn reliable ways of earning a “good girl?”
Or ~ if i learned that it was hopeless, that i couldn’t control or be responsible for anything ~ BDSM could be a chance to gain a sense of control over myself. To have clear rules and expectations, rewards and punishments that make sense.
And how does it work for Doms? Is it their chance to actually be in control, to live out the dream of being able to manage others’ behavior?
i don’t know. Just stuff to think about…
