Naked, curled up on the cushion in the big, wicker rocking chair, i am alone. i feel not-quite-real anyhow, so much has happened in the last day or so. i’m not sure i even remember all of it.
Just yesterday morning, i was going about my regular life with no idea of what was in store for me today.
Now He wants me to stay for a week.
i think about the way He beat me yesterday, beating my ass til i begged Him to stop. The switch He made me cut myself, the switch lying at the end of my bed, still waiting to be used. The way it cut into my skin when he tested it on me.
i think about the butt plug, and His promise to take my ass. That makes me shiver, and i’m not sure if it is fear that makes me tremble, or anticipation.
i think about the joy of kneeling at His feet, being allowed to take His cock into my mouth. My pussy clenches ~~
~~ and i know that i’ll stay.
i want to call out to Him right away, to tell Him that i’ve decided to stay. i even begin. “Sir?” i say, speaking into the air. “Sir?”
No response.
i sink back into the chair, feeling a little foolish. Maybe i should think some more. Maybe i’m jumping into this.
Then i have to smile at myself. Good grief, of course i’m jumping into this. Even though i know The Major a little, both as Master of Darkness, a Dom i met online, and as The Major, a police officer whose path crossed mine, still, i barely know Him.
And, i remind myself, it’s not just my body He wants. He wants to discipline my mind as well. That thought stirs new anxiety. It agitates me.
i don’t really need Him to do that. i don’t. i’m just fine.
A litany of all the wonderful things in my life passes through my mind. i might want His spankings and His rough fucking, even His nipple clamps, but i don’t need Him managing the rest of my life.
i can’t sit comfortably anymore, i stand to pace.
Really, i’m smart and funny and hard-working and i don’t need Him or anyone to tell me how to live my real life. i’m probably just a bedroom submissive, this is probably a bad idea.
i should leave. Get my clothes and leave.
“Sir?!” i say. “Sir!”
No response.
i wonder if my clothes are in the closet. i go to the door, pull on the handle, but it’s locked. Turning around, i’m confronted by the mirror.
i don’t want to see myself.
But there i am.
With a sigh, i move closer. Standing naked, i face myself.
My eyes look back at me. Hazel eyes, they are green today. i try to read the expression in them, as if she were a stranger, the woman in the mirror.
i don’t know what they’re telling me.
The body ~ my body ~ is heavier, softer than i want it to be. i suck in my stomach and think about the exercise from that morning. it seems like my body is a little firmer already.
i think about my days. Getting up in the morning optimistic, going to bed at night so often disappointed in myself. The frustration of never being caught up, or even close, it seems.
Could He really help me with that?
Wouldn’t it be foolish not to give it a chance ~ to give Him a chance.
Nodding, watching my reflection nod. Yes.
i need to tell Him. i need to tell him, “Yes.” i start to call out again, but bite my lip. That’s not the way.
Instinctively, i know that’s not the way to approach Him now.
Instead, i kneel. In front of the door, so He will see me when He comes back, kneeling, waiting.
At first, i rest my hands on my thighs, palms up, but then i remember how He taught me to offer Him the switch. i raise my arms, hands in front of me.
i imagine myself, laying across my hands just as the switch had, an offering for Him.
And i wait.
Saying yes when there is fear and unknown takes courage. I like how you put it..fear or anticipation. ..? I realize I have struggled w those two. Discerning them. In fact in the very context of the “promise” of a. sex. It is a good metaphor for facing our fears. Although not to be shared at vanilla cocktail parties. Ending rambles now. Great story….
@K,
laughing… thanks for the comment – you weren’t rambling at all! i loved it – and you’re so right, it’s not a metaphor to be shared in vanilla world.
hugs,
aisha
We do offer “ourselves” to those discerning enough to see that. An offering for him… I love that.
@Sin,
Thank you, I’m glad you like it, and yes, it helps if the person we’re offering ourselves to is able to see that’s what we’re doing.
hugs,
aisha
I’m struggling with that “I am happy, I can do it myself” his gentle guiding ways irk me at times. I need to remember he isn’t being condescending.
It would have taken me much longer to realize I needed to kneel …..
Andi
Yeah, I can only imagine how difficult that must be at times. Who was it i was reading lately who said her LDR Dom is picking her clothes for her to wear each day? I don’t remember, but I thought, yikes, could I do that????
aisha
I love the mind game aspect of this story. The Major controlling the pace and the subject being led to a place she wants to go, even if she doesn’t know she does. Well done!
@Bill,
Thank you so much. Yes, He is truly leading her – um, me. {Smiling}
aisha
aaahhh…the inner struggle, the torment, the need, the want, the “i’m okay” and the “no, i’m not”….
you’re as juxtaposed as i!!!
*smiling*
you know how much i love this?
?
?
Yeah.
That much.
nilla
@’Nilla,
“Juxtaposed” is a fabulous word. And fun to say outloud. Thank you for using it!!
And thank you for the words of encouragement – I’m so glad you like it.
aisha
I really like this whole story. The whole progression really is something I can relate to. I’m still at that point “I can do this alone, cant I? Maybe I’m just a bedroom submissive”. The idea of having someone control other aspects of my life really gets under my skin still.
So I really like how you portray this =)
@Giggling Bunny,
Thank you! I really am with you there – I can’t really imagine what it would be like. Or if I’d like it or not.
Although, I’m reminded of Mike Moore, my first experience of submission, who insisted that I was the most submissive woman he’d known, that I’d do anything he told me to do.
Thanks, again!
aisha
Very envious of the road she (you) are journeying down
Thanks, Sbf, you know, I guess i’m a little jealous of “her” too! aisha
Bravo once again~ love this story and love that you have the courage to write and share it with us.
~hugs~
faithful
Thank you, Faithful, I really appreciate it!
aisha
I like this story very much, aisha. It has an honesty that is touching.
Donna
Thank you, Donna! I love that you like it!!
aisha
Thats funny…i wrote about looking myself in the mirror too.
Just tonight, i remembered a beautiful redhead, holding my collar in her hands, cupped gently in the moonlight.
i saw her face, solemn, loving me, and realized, “that is me she holds in her hands.” And it was.
It was the last time i saw her alive.
When you hear the truth in life, it resonates.
This resonates.
(Have you ever read, “Panic Snap”? Its utterly beautiful).
Yes, looking in mirrors is powerful. Such a symbol of
That sounds like a sad and beautiful memory.
I’m glad this resonates with you too. Thank you.
I haven’t read Panic Snap – this is the first time I’ve heard of it. Just looked it up – it looks great!
aisha