Beginnings

We met on a dating website, Sir and i did.

O, my.  i guess i need to quit calling him just “Sir” as if He is the only “Sir” who exists, which He was and still is at the moment, but probably won’t be forever.  i hadn’t thought about that.  Well.  Maybe i’ll leave it for now and figure it out later.

Anyhow.  We met on a regular dating site and for the longest time just exchanged a message from time to time.  i didn’t think i was interested in Him.    i didn’t think He had much to say.  Then we talked on the phone and i discovered He was funny and smart and interesting; he just doesn’t like to type.

More time went by.  We were exchanging messages one day and He said something about me being “good at following directions.”  Something inside me sat up and began to pay attention. 

So i pondered a while before i messaged back, “yes, but good directions are hard to find.”  i don’t remember what he answered, but a little question mark lingered in my mind.  Could he possibly be???

i remember talking about boots; telling him about my really cool ones with the laces in the back.   He expressed enough interest in seeing them that it made me wonder.

Then he asked me out for dinner the first time.  (No, i wore my other cute boots.  You gotta save something for next time.)    We lingered after dinner, still talking, and i still wasn’t sure if i was attracted to Him at all or if He was just another nice guy.  i wanted to know.  

i said, “i have a favor to ask of You.”  

“Yes?” 

i said, “May i see Your hand?”  

He gave me His hand.  And i touched him, slowly, sensuously, caressed his palm, traced the length of His fingers.  And watched Him respond.     My heart beats faster remembering it, i can still feel myself sitting across from Him, glancing from His hand to His face.  My nipples tingled, i felt warmth between my legs.

And when i was through, He took my hand and returned the favor – a blessing, really.  We blessed each other that night.

And afterwards, after it was clear that this had been a pleasure for both of us, He said, “But you know, it wasn’t fair of you to do that.  I mean, you wanted me to respond  but you could have been testing me and NOT wanting me to respond.” 

Playing at demure, i answered, “i’m sorry, You’re right.  It wasn’t fair.”  And added, with downcast eyes, “i’ll never do it again.”

He paused, just long enough for me to look up, long enough for me to feel His eyes on me.  He said, “Yes, you will.  When I tell you to.”

i can still feel the delighted shiver that went through me at those words.  Mmmm.    i squirmed in my seat.  O, my. 

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As i write my memories of Him, i realize (even though i already knew) that i’m going to miss Him a lot.  i realize that it might be a really long time before i’m interested in anyone else. 

It occurs to me that right now may not actually be the time to look for someone new, even though i’d like to move on.  Well, not to mention i don’t know what the heck i’d do with this blog if i did get involved with someone else – will i have to start over???? 

I was looking for quotes for my status on fb today and stumbled across these two back to back:

Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard.”

Don’t ever give up on something or someone that you can’t go a full day without thinking about.”

And then i remember that He didn’t want me.  i remember Him telling me the other night that sometimes He felt guilty spending time with me because that meant i wasn’t trying to meet other people,  reminding me that he had wanted me to keep meeting other people, that it was just me that didn’t want to.  

So, ok. Enough of this frigging, maudlin crap.   i’ll use my space here to write my memories and my fantasies. 

What we had was good.  No regrets.  None.  It was what it was meant to be, and i’ll always remember our time together with love and affection.  And now it’s done.

For years i’ve had a prayer i use about relationships.  i ask God – the God who is within each of us, and around us, and above us – i ask God to help me find the relationship i’m supposed to be in that will take me further along whatever path God wants me to be on.   The next relationship that will bring me closer to being the soul i’m called to be, that will deepen my ability to love, that will increase my capacity for joy. 

Then, even though i do some things to reach out, i wait.  So, i may get back on a dating site,  hang out on fetlife (you can find me at aisha_54), or go to a munch, but mostly i’m waiting. 

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven…”