i spent a lazy day yesterday, relaxing and unwinding from the frenzied pre-Xmas week. i enjoy that week a lot, and never plan far enough ahead to keep it from being a bit frenzied, and am perfectly ok with that too. As a recovering perfectionist, i know that the more time i have to do something, the more i will expand what there is to do, and how well it needs to be done.
We had a lovely Christmas, and our families who were able to come over did too, at least they seemed to. Presents were well-received, food was eaten, laughter and good times were had by all.
So yesterday, when my one obligation gets cancelled and i realize that i can avoid going out into the nasty weather and spend the day tucked in at home, i jump at the opportunity. i have approximately 13 new projects to start, or new pieces of things to add onto old ones, and my house needs the last touches of tidying, and i need to answer blog comments, and i need to polish the silver before i put it away, and ~ and ~ and i don’t do any of those things.
i write two blog posts ~ Naomi and a vanilla one.
i take a nap and have an orgasm ~ um, not in that order.
My sister comes by and we hang out for a while.
i piddle around on the computer. Think about doing things.
And when Sir comes home, i feel guilty. He has been at work all day. He hasn’t had the luxury of staying home and doing nothing. There is so much i could have done, and i haven’t done any of it.
i say as much to Him, apologetically. Tell Him i feel bad about it.
He looks surprised. “Lots of people are off work today,” He says.
“Yeah, i know,” and i feel better for a second, “But ~ i could have done a lot of stuff around here,” i add, feeling bad again.
He looks around, shrugs. “We’ve been running since last Friday.” He reminds me of all the things we’ve done. “You needed some time,” He says. “I don’t want you to feel guilty about taking some time today.”
So i’m working on that. Not feeling guilty.
And i was thinking about it when i read Monkey’s post today. You can read it here.
{Forgive me, Monkey, if i’ve gotten this wrong.}
She’s talking about rules, and her feeling that she didn’t have any, but then she recognizes that she does, they are just not being presented the way she thought they would be. She says:
This is the way it goes in my imagination, in much that I read,and in many other relationships (including my relationship with Big Bad) revolving around D/s…
Dom/Domme holds out the (behavior/idea/incipient rule/shiny thing), and says/infers “Do this”. The will is being pushed toward the sub, who accepts it.
David offers me the (behavior/idea/incipient rule/shiny thing), puts it within my reach, and then leaves it up to me to draw it in.
Subtle but distinct differences. That’s the best illustration I can draw.
Just because something was not presented formally, doesn’t make it any less of a rule…
So when Sir says, “I don’t want you to feel guilty about…” whatever ~ that’s a very different order than “You will kneel when I enter the room.” In fact, it would be easy for me to completely miss the significance of His words. i could think He just means He’s not mad at me, or disappointed in me {which is also true.}
It’s up to me to remember that when Sir says, “I want” or “I don’t want,” He IS telling me what to do. It’s up to me to hear that.
And maybe “rule” isn’t the right word ~ it’s an order, a command. If i go back and tell Him, “You know, you said you didn’t want me to feel guilty about *whatever,* but i still do,” He’ll be surprised and not pleased. He’ll actually make me talk about it til i figure out why i can’t do what He told me to do, til i figure out how to do it.
It would be easier to have a rule that says i have to do “x” chores every day than it is to let go of feeling guilty about my lazy day. It’s much harder to recognize that the voice in my head beating me up about it is not His voice, it’s mine, and i need to help myself silence that voice.
It helps to remember i need to do it because He says so.