It isn’t fair.
i didn’t mean it that way.
i did remember. i knew.
i just thought… i just thought maybe…
O.
Five?
For not remembering?
But ~ But, Sir, i ~
And more?
Arguing? No ~ i ~ i ~
was just saying ~
just meant ~
O.
Five more?
Um,
{but it’s not fair, that’s not what i meant, you don’t understand, it wasn’t what you think!}
Um,
Yes.
Sir.
i’ve posted it here before ~ Kahlil Gibran on Joy and Sorrow. i’m reading it today, i think, at the funeral service for my friends’ baby. Unless i stumble across something that seems more appropriate between now and 11:00 this morning.
Here it is again:
On Joy and Sorrow
Kahlil Gibran
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater thar sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
This evening, Sir and i are going out of town to a celebration for the daughter of a friend of mine, who will graduate from college this year. i’ve known her since before she was born, the daughter that is. My friend and i worked together and were roommates for a while, back before i got married the first time ~ nearly 30 years ago.
So today, i’ll literally travel from an experience of intense sorrow to one of great joy. It seems fitting that there’s an actual journey involved.
Often, we want to avoid sorrow and embrace pleasure. We want to be happy ~ all the time.
But in the lifestyle, we know it doesn’t work like that. i think we know that tears and laughter are just flip sides of the same coin.
i revisit this idea regularly.
i think we know that they’re linked. We make this explicit in how we approach pleasure and pain, right? It’s one of the many things i love about “us.”
i’m a little scattered this morning, i don’t know where i was going with this. You’ll have to make your own connections, tie up the loose ends yourself today. i need to start getting ready in a minute here.
i’m looking forward to going out of town with Sir. To seeing my friend, to celebrating with her family. i hope the hotel i made reservations at turns out to be ok.
If it’s not, i will add it to my list of things i’m going to think about the next time i get punished for what i couldn’t control. He has assured me that it will happen again. He says:
“Your future punishments will be random and lack logical provocation. You will have been a bad girl at anytime that I pronounce you so. It is to be anticipated but not to be predicted.”
i definitely plan on keeping a list… {smiling…}
The first text said, “On my way now.”
The next one said, “Punishment nite, your ass is mine.”
That got my attention. i was already focused when i heard His car pull up.
i was so glad to see Him. i greeted Him at the door, wrapped my arms around Him. We have both been close to death lately; He’s mourned the loss of several young men He knows, and i had been grieving my friends’ baby.
In some relationships, He might have held me for a while, encouraged me to talk, offered sympathy and concern. Instead, He let me fix Him some coffee while He explained my punishment.
“It’s not so much for the things you might have done ~ maybe not calling me Sir when you should have ~ it’s not for things like that. It’s for the things you’ve done that you can’t control.”
i listen attentively, quizzical.
“It’s for the times you doubted yourself that you shouldn’t have,” He says. “When you had no reason to doubt yourself. It’s for the times you were overly confident, maybe vain. The times you should have doubted yourself, should have thought twice, and didn’t.”
It’s for other things too, He says ~ for things i’ve done wrong that no one even knows about, and for things i’ve taken responsibility for, accepted blame for, that weren’t mine to take, that weren’t my fault at all.
And when it is time, He leads me down the hall with one hand, carrying His canes in the other. Bends me over the end of the bed, pants around my knees.
It isn’t a harsh punishment. He names what the strokes are for as He goes along ~ 2 for self-doubt, 5 for saying yes when i should have said no, and so on. He expects me to keep my hands stretched up over my head, and my feet on the floor.
It isn’t harsh, but i feel it, and there is a welt or two when He’s done.
And a sense of relief.
That pesky little issue i’d apologized for more than once? Gone. O, more than gone. And maybe some other excessive guilt things too.
And the heaviness of heart i’d been feeling all day? Somehow, it lifted that too. i am still sad, still grieving, but lighter somehow. Better able to manage, to absorb the loss, to let the pain become part of me.
So it might sound strange, that He would punish me for the things i can’t control. And maybe it wouldn’t be the right punishment for anyone else. But it was what i needed.
Thinking about it this morning, i want to ~ i need to~ go tell Him, “Thank you, Sir.”
The weekend was too short.
There is too much going on in my life. Some good, some not so good. Although ~
~ as a preacher i know says ~
“It’s hard to tell your good days from your bad days,
til all your days come in.”
But i’m feeling overwhelmed already and the week is just beginning.
Of course it doesn’t help that my taxes are still not done. Um, that i haven’t done my taxes yet. It’s not like i’m just waiting for them to “get done.” i will need to get my ass in gear and do them. Within the next week.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
When i feel overwhelmed, i want to escape. That’s not really a helpful response, since it will just make things worse. i know this.
i know that i need to get busy doing things and that as i check them off my to-do list, i’ll feel better.
And i feel frozen sometimes.
i want ~
**********************************
“Come here,” He says.
Reluctantly, i move away from the computer. “But i’m blogging,” i say, trying not to whine.
He doesn’t respond until i’m there, standing in front of Him, feeling foolish now. He raises an eyebrow, and i kneel, moving into first position easily.
“What have you gotten done so far?” He asks.
i can’t meet His eyes. “Um,” i say. “Not so many things. Some.”
He sounds patient. “There were eight things on your list. Many of them relatively quick and easy. How many did you get done this weekend?”
“Um,” i’m stalling, “um, i’m not sure, i think, um…i think two of them. Sir.”
“You think?”
“Well, i know. Two of them. i only got two of them done.”
He is standing then, before i know it. The list in His hand. “Which ones?” He asks.
i look at the list, feeling overwhelmed and sad. i name the two i’ve done.
“And the rest have not been completed?” He asks.
i shake my head, “No, Sir.”
“Up,” He says, waiting til i’m on my feet before He fists His hand in my hair.
He moves me quickly down the hall, bends me over the bed.
Pulls my pants down so my ass is exposed.
“Six items left undone.” He says. “Is that correct?”
“Yes, Sir,” i say, my voice half-muffled by the bedclothes.
“That’s six with the cane,” He says, and His voice is stern but not harsh. i’m thinking He’s letting me off easy, smiling a little, i can do six… when He adds, “Six to the second power, of course. What is that? How much is that?”
And my mind is blank for a moment, i can’t even think what that means, six to the second power? O, wait, yes i do know, that’s just six times six, and six times six is ~
Before i can say it, He says, “Thirty-six Plus six for not answering. How much is that?”
And my brain is scrambling to keep up, thirty-six, yes, plus six, is ~ o, you have to carry, right? And six plus six is um, twelve, it’s twelve, yes carry one, so that’s um
“Forty-two,” He says. “And I’ll stop there, your math skills would get you in way too deep if I kept going. And that’s not what this is about.”
“You asked me for help,” He says. “Wanted me to help you stay on track with getting things done. As you count this first set of six, think about the purpose of this punishment.”
And He begins…
*************************************
i have that fantasy, but do i really want that? Or do i just need to do better myself? Learn to discipline myself more effectively? Use my time more wisely?
i don’t know…
“
i am sitting at His feet. Just home from work in time to meet Him at the house, i’m still wearing a skirt and my new summer-y blouse.
He has placed a towel on the floor and told me to get comfortable while He ties my hands. He uses the knot He learned from the Knotty Boys video. It’s a safety knot, it won’t get tighter, and it places a knot right at the palm of my hand.
My fingers curl around the knot at my palm. i have something to hold onto when He pulls my arms over my head and attaches them to a hook, holding me steady while He whips me.
And i know that’s coming, the whipping. The thought of it makes my pussy clench. But for now, i’m watching Him tie the knot.
When He’s finished, my hands securely fastened, He holds the rope in His hands and questions me about the discussion group on Sunday. The one about punishment. He wants to know what i learned.
i try to explain it, but already i’m slipping into that head-space where words are harder to find.
He talks about punishment. “I could be real nit-picky,” He says. “I could make up some rules about things for you to do, and then you could break them and get punished.”
He shakes His head. “I don’t want to do that. I don’t see the point.” He smiles, the Dom smile that carries warning if you notice it in time.
“I don’t see the point, ” He says, “I can just whip your ass anytime I want to anyhow.”
i catch my breath, because yes, He certainly can. And knowing that, feeling the rope that ties my hands held secure in His hands, knowing that He is in charge ~ that makes me smile.
And it makes me hot.
**************************
It’s still March ~ if you have questions, don’t hesitate to ask…
On Facebook today, i posted this quote:
“Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.”
― C.G. Jung
Only after i’d posted it did i realize how odd a quote it is for someone who’s into TTWD. How do i believe that quote and want a power exchange relationship at the same time?
It makes no sense.
But if it’s true that i believe both, then it does make sense and is worth looking at. It unfolds quickly ~
Jung says that power is “the shadow” of love. In his beliefs, everything has a “shadow,” a dark underbelly, its opposite. When we ignore the shadow side of something, we’re at risk of having it take over.
For example – “mother love” is a big Jungian concept. Warm, nurturing, embracing, all good, right?
The shadow side is “mother love” that devours its young, that doesn’t allow them to separate, to become their own individual selves. If you only know about the positive side of a mother’s love, and don’t recognize the presence of the shadow, then you won’t recognize when it’s influencing you, either as a mother or as a son or daughter.
Like an object and its shadow, they are connected permanently. They’re not two different things, the shadow isn’t something to get rid of, together they create a whole.
Most often, in the mundane world, people don’t want to see ‘the shadow” side of things. Don’t want to talk about it.
In TTWD, we acknowledge the shadow. We explore it. We embrace it.
And by doing those things, we begin to get some understanding of the thing we’re looking at. Jung also says:
“Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one’s being, but by integration of the contraries.”
At the heart of BDSM is the integration of the contraries ~ pain and pleasure, slavery and freedom, power and love. Opposites, and different sides of the same coin. We take them out, turn them this way and that, play with them, examine them, revel in them.
No wonder TTWD have such an appeal, hold so much fascination for us.
***************************************
On a whole different note, {maybe} i watched some videos of spanking last night. Well, just short clips, not like a whole video. It amazes me sometimes how much i can get turned on by so little.
Like my own little fantasies…
********************************************
“Come here,” He says.
Somber. i know i’ve done something wrong.
i stand in front of Him, eyes downcast.
“Did you make the appointment today for your annual check-up at the doctor?”
My heart races ~ omg, no. No, i didn’t, and He clearly reminded me to this morning. Damn. Why didn’t i do it?
The silence hangs in the air a moment too long, and “I didn’t think so,” He says.
“Bend over the arm of the couch,” He says. “Take off your jeans first.”
The air is cool on my legs, they feel exposed, but so does my ass, even though my panties are still on.
“Push that ass out,” He says. “You know you have this coming. I specifically told you to make the appointment today. Right?”
“Yes, Sir,” i say, my voice slightly muffled since i’m bent over.
“Ok.”
And He walks away. i’m left waiting, lost in remorse, not just because i’m about to get spanked, but ~
i had asked for help. i had told Him i’d been having trouble with procrastinating, just simple things that didn’t take that long to do.
i’d made a list of 5 or 6 things that i’d been putting off. Making my annual doctor’s appointment was just one of the things on the list, but it was the first He’d picked.
“That’s a priority,” He’d said.
WHY didn’t i do it?
Still bent over the arm of the couch, the more i think about it, the worse i feel. The very first day, and i’ve already failed. i shouldn’t have asked Him. Now i’ve just let Him down, let us both down. He won’t even want to help anymore.
i hear Him walk back into the room, He sets something down on the table.
He is behind me.
His hand grasps my panties, yanks them down so my ass is exposed.
“Open your legs,” He says. “Wider.”
And He walks away.
i wait, even more exposed and vulnerable. i don’t need to be told to think about what i’ve done. i can’t think about anything else.
When He comes back, i sense Him behind me more than hear Him.
“You know why you’re being punished?” He says.
“Yes, Sir. i was supposed to make my doctor’s appointment, and i didn’t.”
“You were supposed to do the most important thing on the list of things you’ve been neglecting,” He says. “That’s not acceptable. I’m disappointed in you.”
My heart sinks, i want to cry. He goes on ~
“I’m going to give you 5 with the riding crop for punishment,”
i think, o, that’s not too bad ~
“And 5 more to help you remember to do it tomorrow,” which is worse. “You may count out loud.”
“Yes, Sir,” i say.
i hear Him tapping the crop against His leg, i’m braced.
Then it whooshes through the air, and i manage to hold still and not jerk away anticipating it, but after it lands, O! Omg, it hurts so bad… and i almost forget, but “ONE!” i say, and then, “Thank you, Sir,”
You know, i do appreciate it. i’m glad that He cares enough to take the time to ~~ “TWO! Thank you, Sir” ~~ to discipline me. Even though i may feel less glad when He gets to 10.
“THREE! Thank you, Sir.” My ass is burning. The third one landed crossways over the first two. Omg. Can i take ~ how many more left?
“FOUR! Thank you, Sir.”
Tomorrow, i’ll make that damn doctor’s appointment. For sure.
The questions started with:
• Are there kinds of punishment that are appropriate for public and/or vanilla punishment?
• What’s the difference between punishment and a mind fuck? Is it ever all right to use punishment as a mind fuck?
• What’s the difference between punishment and play?
• What makes a punishment effective? What makes it ineffective? Is ineffective punishment worse than none at all?
• What kind of punishment is most effective, physical or emotional?
• Does punishment always have to be fair? Is harsh punishment for minor infractions acceptable?
and ended with:
• How do you get out of a punishment that has become more than you can handle?
• What makes good punishment?
• When should you punish and when should you let it go?
• What if you feel like you have gone too far? Made a mistake?
• Does the age, sex, or experience level play a role in how and/or when you punish?
• Should punishment cause physical and / or emotional pain?
• What is the difference between punishment and discipline?
• How do you let go or get over something you have done wrong?
• Do you use punishment to change behaviors?
• Does there have to be a reason for punishment?
Needless to say, we didn’t cover all of them. But it was a great discussion.
We break up into groups ~ Doms take one corner, switches have their own area, and submissives are grouped in the center of the room. There are probably twice as many of us.
We had a lot of fun.
This morning i’m still pondering some of the questions ~ and answers. The line between punishment and abuse is pretty fine, and we struggled to find that distinction.
At the other end of that spectrum is the difference between punishment and “funishment.” i guess it looks like this:
Funishment ~~~~~~~~~~Punishment~~~~~~~~~~~~Abuse
We agreed that before punishment, there needed to be a relationship, and a structure for discipline. Lots of discussion, and the Dom needed to know the submissive well enough to recognize triggers.
We were against being ignored as a punishment, and generally agreed that if it went on too long, we’d leave.
We talked about the cathartic value of punishment.
The on-line dictionary provides this definition of catharsis:
a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art
b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
Punishment allows us to purge our emotions and let go of the rumination about what we’ve done wrong ~ that “beating ourselves up” that can be so damaging.
i don’t have a bunch of experience with punishment, but for me the value is in the acknowledgment that i did something wrong, being able to pay the price for it, and knowing that it’s over. That i’ve been forgiven.
That made me wonder, do Doms need some kind of forgiveness, something to close that loop for them?
Mr. Michael said yes. He said he likes to be thanked after he’s punished someone.
That caused a little consternation among the submissives at my end of the table, and even an, “i don’t think i could! Not right away!”
But, Mr. Michael said, it was to acknowledge that he’d taken the time and made the effort to provide punishment. And i think i get that. That makes sense.
A “thank you” acknowledges that i recognize i did something that earned punishment, and that i appreciate you following through with enforcing the limit, backing up the rule. It acknowledges the attention and the caring that goes into it.
Beyond the “ONE, thank you, Sir ~ TWO, thank you, Sir~” it is a sincere acknowledgement that we recognize the value of punishment, and appreciate the provider.
You know, i can’t imagine Sir X punishing me. It’s not like we have a bunch of rules and protocols, and He is the most reasonable of men.
And after all, i’m a good girl ~ i am!
But if he ever does, i’m sure i will have deserved it, and will try to remember to appreciate it. To thank Him afterwards.
And i wonder, just a little bit, why that idea actually turns me on.
