aisha

After reading the wonderful comments on these last couple of posts, i think that Jung was definitely right.  We don’t lose that “child”  or “adolescent” aspect of ourselves, we just layer over it.

It seems like D/s allows many of us to get in touch with that vulnerability and feeling of safety and security, regardless of whether we had that in childhood or not.   And regardless of whether we identify as a Little or not, there seems to be a connection that goes deep into who we are.

i think “being a Little” formalizes the opportunity to embrace the younger parts of our selves.  That’s pretty cool.

i’ve finally started reading Women Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything, by Geneen Roth.   {Fabulous book, yes you should read it.}  She says:

“Can you remember a time, perhaps when you were very young, when life as it was – just the fact that it was early morning or any old day in summer – was enough?  When you were enough – not because of what you looked like or what you did, but just because everything was the way it was.”  (p. 33-34)

And i thought, um, no, i can’t.  

So i thought back some more.  

Nope.

i can remember being happy some of the time when i was a child.  The summer when i was eight and my best friend and i spent the whole summer outdoors, climbing trees and talking.  Leaving the house early in the morning.  Running back in with a pack of friends to get a glass of water for everyone ~ usually just as my mother had finished doing the dishes.

i cannot remember a time, ever, when the adults in my life did not want me to be more than i was.  To perform better, at a higher level, more consistently.  To learn more, do more, achieve more.

i was not abused as a child, not physically, and not sexually.   {i have experienced abuse, but not until i was 11 or 12 and not by family members.}  But i have no memory of having “been enough.”

And always, always, i couldn’t wait to be grown.  i hated being a child.  i felt powerless and i couldn’t wait to get it over with so my real life could begin.

So i wonder ~ how does that affect the “Little” aspect of who i am?

Tags: BDSM, Dominance, Submission

i was a  little overwhelmed last night.  It’s funny, when i was thinking about it this morning, it seems like most of the things that felt overwhelming were actually positive.  

That makes no sense at all.  But it’s true.

Anyhow, i went to the grocery after work and was just all out of sorts and almost on the verge of tears.  When i got home, i emailed Sir X about how i was feeling, and started eating dinner.  He’s been working so much, i didn’t even know if He’d check email last night or not.  

But i wasn’t halfway through with my sushi (which i bought ready-made at the grocery, with brown rice, cause it’s healthier) when He texted me.  And a few texts later he says: “I’m coming for a visit.  ETA in 30 minutes.”

i was so glad, my heart just sighed with relief. 

He said partly He came because He wanted to see what i was like when i’m like that.  i didn’t care why He came over, i was just glad He did.

We talked, and He held me, and stroked and petted me, o, and there might have been some serious nipple pinching too, which was more than all right with me.  

Before He left, i asked Him to tuck me in bed, and He did, pulling the sheet and the quilt up over me, so i was all safe and cozy in my bed.  He kissed me one last time, and i curled up on my side and sighed happily.

And i thought about Littles.

i was born old, i think i have an old soul, and i couldn’t wait to be grown-up.  i don’t remember getting tucked in, although i would bet my mother did it, at least up to some age.  

When i get babied, taken care of like i did last night, not just getting tucked in, but feeling like i can depend on someone else ~ when that happens it touches some part of me that i usually keep tucked away.  It opens me.

i don’t think that “makes me a Little,” but it adds an element of vulnerability and reliance on another that {for me} feels child-like.  It’s a deeply touching experience.  And that helps me open my mind to the possibility that there’s a Little aspect lurking inside me.

Probably not eager to Build-a-Bear, but maybe wanting to go to the zoo.

The comments on yesterday’s post are so interesting ~ and amazingly beautiful.  i can’t tell you how much i appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experience with me.  i’m planning to take my time answering each one. 

i wonder if there are other people who are still pondering this ~ as i am.  So i’ll linger on this topic, at least for today, and i invite you again to voice your thoughts…  

How do you see all this?  Do you identify as a Little?   If not, is there an aspect of “Little” that you recognize in yourself?

Tags: BDSM, Dominance, Submission