Yep, Much Better

You know, i am all about words.  Not just on my blog, but in my job, in my relationships.  So somehow, i thought that Sir X and i would talk about the things going on with me.

At first, while Sir X and i were eating dinner, and chatting, i was thinking we were building up to some intense conversation.  

Quit laughing.

i had already told him some of what was going on with me, so he knew the outline of my angst.  And ~ you know, i work with a building full of therapists if i want to talk, not to mention my subsisters who are such a wonderful source of support.  So i just figured He’d be asking me questions and we’d go on from there.

When that didn’t happen right away, i thought about steering the conversation in that direction.   After all, wasn’t that what i needed?

But i stopped myself.  

If this is about submission, and it is, then maybe, i thought, maybe i will trust Him to lead tonight.

So i left the evening in His hands, and long, angst filled conversations were not on the agenda.

There was a collar, a more intricately designed one, with a ring in the front and the back.  As He puts it on me, i begin to slip into a different head space.

There are the cuffs, ankles and wrists.  i sit at His feet and offer my right wrist, left wrist, right ankle, left ankle.

My wrists fastened together with a metal clip, pulled above my head.

Ahhhhh.

Face to the door, ass pushed out, as directed.

Ahhhhhh.

Hand, flogger, stingy rope, and belt.

And then…

Tonight, taken down and led to the couch.  Bent over the arm while He begins to explore with

{drum roll, please}

                       The Canes.

Yikes.

Only a few times with each one, but o, my.  

And afterwards, there was touch, pleasing and being pleased and…

….sigh.  It was lovely.  And just what i needed.

Thinking about it this morning, it makes perfect sense.

He took me out of my head, out of my ruminating misery, and grounded me in my body.  Brought me into the moment.

This might sound silly, but He didn’t tell me that i’m useful and do a good job at work and all kinds of things He could have said.  Instead, He showed me the connection between us, He held me with His hands, He held me with rope and leather.

And He used some of the languages of love.  

Touch, for sure.

Time spent and attention, o, yes.

And words of affirmation.  He talked about how i pleased Him.  The dinner i fixed him pleased Him..  My responses to His touch.  My submission to His directions.  My acceptance of  pain. 

i pleased Him.

Maybe only a submissive in the kind of angst i was in can really appreciate the beauty of that.

And the physical-ness of it ~ the concrete reality of it ~ pulls me away from my own abstract, in- my -head world.  

That may not be what i need always. 

And i think Sir X is a man who can do the words too.

But the ritual of it, the intensity of it, the immediacy ~ those are gifts He brought me last night.

Mmmmmm.

So this morning?  Yep.  Much better, thanks.

{Grinning}

Tags: BDSM, Dominance, relationships, Submission