Confessions and Fantasies

i have “guiltworms” again – that’s what ‘Nilla named them, and i like it.  i didn’t do something i said i was gonna do – chickened out, really.  And i didn’t think anyone would notice, only they did.  And it didn’t ruin their day or anything dramatic, but they noticed, and i feel like an idiot.  AND i missed what might have been a really good time.  

Sigh. 

i hate when i do stuff like that –  only thinking about my own little perspective.   Not following through with plans.   Depriving myself more than anyone else, really.

And i don’t know where i was going with that – it just makes me feel better to say it.  Keep in mind, my guiltworms are usually not about somebody else being upset with me, it’s usually just me beating up on myself.

And maybe that is why spanking fantasies are so delightful.   ‘Nilla just did a lovely one.   But mine don’t usually involve being swept off my feet and spanked.  Mine involve more control, and my own willingness to accept it.  So,  for example:

i am kneeling in front of Him.   Knees parted, hands on my thighs. 

He watches me, very calm.  He doesn’t seem upset or angry.  “I’m a little disappointed,” He says.

i tremble.  i have felt His disappointment before. 

“Is that what I asked you to do?”  He says.

My heart starts beating faster.  “No, Sir,” i say.  i drop my eyes, i can’t meet His steady gaze any longer.  i wait.

And wait.  

Then the pressure of silence is too much, and i look up again, look into His eyes, His eyes still watching me.   

“Yes,” He says.  “I want you to look at me.  If I don’t want you to, I’ll tell you not to.  Is that clear?”

“Yes, Sir.”  My mouth is dry.  My nipples are hard, and i can feel moisture between my legs, my pussy wet and throbbing.  i am very exposed.

“I’m a little disappointed in you,” He says again, and i’m flooded with shame, i feel myself blushing, and a rush of heat runs through my body – o, yes, igniting my pussy even more.  “What do you think I should do about that?”

i drop my eyes again, i can’t look at Him, and only when the silence has lasted a minute too long do i remember that i’m supposed to look at Him.  My eyes meet His.  His look is cool, and a little distant.  i feel tears in my eyes.  

“i’m sorry, Sir,” i stutter, “i didn’t mean to – didn’t mean to let you down.  i’m really sorry…”  my voice trails off.

“I know you are,” He says, almost kindly, but distant still, a little cold.  “But you can’t go back and change it, can you?”

i can barely speak – my heart is pounding, but i manage, “no, Sir -” and then, in a rush – “But You know i would if i could, Sir.”

“I know,” He says, “That’s why we’re having this conversation.  What do you think needs to happen next?  you disappointed me, now you feel bad, I feel bad, what do you think needs to happen next?’

My pussy clenches, i wonder if i’m leaving a puddle on the floor.  He is waiting, watching me curiously.  i don’t want to say it.  Looking for a way around it – “Um, i think that whatever YOU think  should happen is what should happen next.”

He almost smiles, i almost think that’s done it.  But, no.  “aisha,” He says.  Really, that’s all He needs to say.  i already know what He wants to hear.

Why is it so hard to say it?  He’s waiting.  i’m kneeling, naked, trembling, turned on, so hot… why can’t i just say it?

“i think – i think -” it’s like climbing a hill, omigosh, just let me get this out – “i think –  i need – ” and then in a rush, “to be spanked, Sir.  i think i need You to spank me, Sir.”

He smiles then.  “Please?” He says.  “Did i hear a ‘please, Sir’?”

“Please!” i say, “Please, yes, Sir, please – spank me, Sir.”  And my head drops, i can’t help it, you would think – BDSM, lifestyle, submissive – you would think this might be easy.  But, no.  Not at all.

He nods.  “I could do that,” He says.  “How many, do you think?  Is there a number?  And do you think you can count them for me?”

A shiver, my pussy throbs, clenches, i’m sure i’m making puddles.  “Of course i can count them, Sir, of course i can and -” i almost wail – “i don’t know how many – i don’t know – how ever many You think, Sir.”  i can’t do this, can’t say how many.

“aisha,” His voice is calm, “Look at me.  Breathe.”

i look at Him then, look at Him differently, knowing that He’s in control, i have given Him the control and all i have to do is follow His lead.  i breathe.  i feel my body relax, become more open.

“Sir,” i say, “Really, i don’t know how many, but i know You’ll do whatever You think is right anyhow.  So, i think ten, maybe?  Maybe ten?”

He does smile then, and i’m not sure if He’s amused by my choice or pleased.  “Ten,” He says, consideringly, “That’s a good place to start.” 

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Whew – i think i’ll stop there.  i’m geting myself a little turned on – thank goodness i’m not on orgasm restriction like poor Sin.   And i haven’t even gotten to the spanking yet.

This is from the Red Charls website - no need for words, right?

{Smiles}  Hope you have a lovely day…

Tags: BDSM, obedience, Power Exchange, spanking