aisha

How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

This community ~ the online blogging community ~ is immensely important to me.  If it weren’t for youall, i don’t know how i would have survived the last couple of years.

Ok, i would have survived, but it wouldn’t have been half the fun.  Having this outlet to write about my experiences, thoughts and feelings has been ~ and is ~ incredible.  Being able to read other people’s blogs, having you all comment or email me your thoughts is priceless.

Of course, there are people i’ve met through blogging who i’ve met in real life too ~ Mick and Molly, sfp, and “nilla, and even members of Mick’s staff, Donna and Bill, which has made it just that much more terrific.  And when we have the kinky bloggers convention, and i get to meet a bunch of the rest of you, it will be even better.

And i love the real life people i know in the kinky community here in Where-i-Live.   Lots of them these days, and i’m so fortunate to live in such a great community.    

When i was married, the BDSM marriage that only lasted 3 years, we had none of that support.  i wonder sometimes how things would have been different if i’d had the blog and you all then.  Not that i wish the marriage had lasted ~ i don’t think it could have.  But it might have gone differently.

None of which matters now.  As Sir X says, everything i’ve done, everywhere i’ve been, has brought me to him.  But i digress…

Speaking of events, yes, at last we’re actually heading up to COPE today.  {doing a happy dance…}  i can’t wait!!

But i’m not packed, no, not at all, so i better go do that right now….  what do i need?  My steampunk outfit, two set of play clothes for the dungeon, clothes to wear to classes, clothes to wear out for dinner Saturday night, clothes to wear home Sunday… sin wanted to know how many pairs of shoes ~ i’m thinking boots for steam punk, sexy shoes for dinner, sexy shoes i can walk around in and get beat in for the dungeon, comfortable shoes for classes, probably open toe shoes, but a pair of slippers in case it’s cool, tennis shoes in case we want to go for a walk, how many is that???

The next time you hear from me, i’ll be in that lovely sub-spacey daze….

Tags: 30 Days of Submission, BDSM, Dominance, Submission

Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

My quick response is yes, of course my submission has changed with different partners/relationships!  Didn’t we already talk about this?

i haven’t been involved with women partners, so i can’t speak to that part of it.  O, that’s actually supposed to be the focus of the question, isn’t it?

Well, that’s ok.  

i did start wondering if my submission really changes from partner to partner, or if the context changes and my submission remains the same.  i don’t know.  The expression of my submission changes to fit what He wants, but the underlying submission is the same and just who i am.

Maybe.

Anyhow, it also occurs to me that for all the talk i’ve done from time to time about what i will or won’t do, ultimately, if Sir X wants me to do something, i’ll probably end up doing it.  i’m fortunate that He has my best interests at heart.

He disappeared for a while yesterday ~ well, i was doing other stuff, and texted Him that i was on the way home.  He texted back that He was out, would be home by 3.

Not knowing where He was, i began to wonder if He was really going to the junkyard to get that radio antenna.

Now, let me be clear.  Sir doesn’t really think i was calling Him a dumbass.  Or even implying that He’s a dumbass.  He knows i don’t think that.

And He’s not really mad at me.  

It reminds me a little bit of one of my favorite stories that Ms. Constance tells about her slave, drew.  You can read it here, it’s a fabulous drew story.  But like Ms. Constance in the story, Sir isn’t actually upset with me.

He thinks i can use the lesson in thinking before i speak, in being more attentive to what i’m saying, and to what the other person might be feeling in that moment.  And He’s right ~ i did blurt out my response without thinking.  

The radio antenna and trip to the junkyard to get it is just a fun bonus.  He says He could use my car radio antenna, but when i put it back on the car, people would wonder why it was curved in the shape of my ass.   

So you can see, He loves tormenting me with this.

Keep in mind, i know He’s not going to really hurt me.  Keep in mind, so far He’s never even left marks on my ass. So i’m not really worried about it. Not really worried, right?

When He comes home though, the first thing i ask is, “Did you go to the junkyard?”

“No,” He says, “I thought about it, I almost went, but I think you need to come with me.  Pick out your own antenna.”

Thanks, Honey.  You are too good to me.

So that is still hanging over my head, but it didn’t keep us from having fun last night.   We had dinner with Ms Constance and drew and about 12 other people to celebrate her birthday.  It was a blast, and of course she blogs about it today too.

From my perspective, let me just say that if you’re having dinner with a bunch of kinky folks, and the styrofoam container that you were going to put your left-overs in slides off the table and onto the floor under the table, you do not want to say, “Omigod, i just lost my box.”

Trust me, just don’t say it.  i’m still blushing over the reactions…

Sir tells me later that drew and Mark were busy redesigning the world down at the end of the table, which is a wee bit scary.  i enjoyed hearing about Kenny’s birds and seeing pictures of Harvard (the bird, not the school.)  And of course, Ms. Constance is always fun.  But my favorite story of the evening started with Gabe, the delightfully engaging bootblack sitting next to me.  

He was recently in a serious car wreck, and ended up in the ER with bruised ribs and lots of pain.   The nurse kept asking him to rate his pain level on a scale of one to ten, and every time she asked, the person with him laughed., thinking about Gabe’s receptivity to pain in other circumstances.  

Finally, the nurse said, “Why does he keep laughing when I ask you that?”

And Gabe explained, “Well, he’s laughing because he knows that my level of “6” might not be the same as someone else’s “6.”  I’ve ~ I’ve tested my threshold of pain quite a bit, recreationally.”  

Isn’t that a lovely way of explaining?  

So that suggested a great tag line for Ms. Constance too ~ “Testing other people’s threshold of pain, recreationally…”

Tags: 30 Days of Submission, BDSM, Dominance, Submission

Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

No.  Religion is not a factor in my submission.

i am familiar with religious based submission, both Muslim and Christian, but i think i won’t talk about this here.  Suffice to say that religious submission is gender based, and i think that’s an affront to our male submissive friends and our female Dominants..

And religious submission is typically mandatory within the religion, based on gender, and therefore, in my book it’s not even really consensual.

On a whole different note,  i got myself in trouble last night.

Yep, me.

Sir has been trying to download and buy something from the internet for me for about a week now.  For some reason, it just won’t work, the computer hangs and won’t complete the task.

So last night, it didn’t hang, it went on to “check-out” ~~ but then, He says, “Look!  It went to check-out, but now  it ‘s saying there isn’t anything in the shopping cart!” 

i say, without a moment’s thought, “Well.  Maybe you ‘bought it’ wrong.”  

And i would have gone on doing whatever i was doing on the computer, but i catch a glimpse of His face, and think, “Uh oh.”  Quickly i scroll back mentally ~ what had i said??

“So,” He says, way too quietly, “You’re saying I’m a dumbass?”

I say, “No!  O, no, that’s NOT what i said.”

Sir:  Well, that’s what it sounded like.  You said, ‘Maybe you bought it wrong,’   Look.  There are two buttons you push to buy it, a blue one that says “buy,” and a green one that says “go to check-out.”   Which button do you think I pushed wrong?  And don’t you think someone would have to be a dumbass to not be able to manage two buttons right?”

i’m laughing, i can’t help it, as i say, “No, no, no, i didn’t realize how simple it was, i must have thought it was much harder than that.”

“Much harder,” He says.  “How many buttons would it take to be so hard I couldn’t do it right?  Three?  Four?”

Me:  “NO, no, lots more than that!  Ten maybe, maybe ten buttons.  Anyone could make a mistake with ten buttons.”

“So you weren’t saying I’m a dumbass?”

“No!  Absolutely not, not in any shape or form, no Sir, no how, no way, not now, not ever.”

He laughs, and drops it ~ for the moment.

But it comes back.

At dinner, i don’t even know what we’re talking about, but it becomes, “Of course, maybe I won’t be able to do that, you know, because you think I’m a dumbass…”

“Nooooo!  No, i don’t!!  And i didn’t say that!”

i know He’s enjoying watching me squirm, just like i know there will be a spanking at the end of this rainbow.  Finally, i start to ask Him for it.

“Sir,” i say, “Maybe you could just go ahead and whip my ass and get it over with?”

He appears to consider this suggestion, but then He shakes His head.  “No,” He says, “I think I need to take a trip to the junk yard  first.”

“The junk yard?”  you ask…

Unfortunately, i already know exactly what He means.  Remember the whole “Granny made us get our own switches” and how He was going to make me pick my own implement?  And remember how someone ~ Ancilla maybe ~ said her worst implement was a radio antenna?

And remember how i made the mistake of telling Him that?

Well, since then He’s been convinced that we need a radio antenna in His toy bag, but He says you can only get the right kind off a car ~ hence the trip to the junk yard.  He thinks i might need to go with Him to pick the antenna.

Yeah, thanks Ancilla!  This will be hanging over my head for so long, it’ll be relief to get the darn antenna, and i’m sure the relief will be short-lived once He starts using it on me!

In the meantime, i’ll be paying for my comment in various and sundry ways, i’m sure…

Tags: 30 Days of Submission, BDSM, Dominance, Submission

Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

Yes, it is part of my submission.  It was part of the original fantasy of my BDSM desires, and it seems to be part of my submission to Sir X.

If i sound a little surprised, well, i guess i am.  There’s some risk for me in it.  {Are you all tired yet of hearing about stuff that potentially triggers memories and such for me?}

So the risk is that i’ll shut down. That if He wants me and i don’t really want to and i let Him anyhow, i’ll shut down, go away in my head, whatever you want to call some mild dissociative stuff.  

I don’t even want to talk about this, ok?  

But ~ if that happens a lot, if we have sex and i’m shut down, then it starts to feel really bad, like i don’t really exist, like i’m not even there ~ well, because you know, i’m not really there, and that’s not so helpful for a relationship.  

So i know that about myself.  

That hasn’t happened with Sir, it hasn’t even halfway happened except for the “coming up behind me” thing, which was me, not him, and i wasn’t “going away” anyhow.   

Am i still making sense?

Ok, so it makes me nervous to talk about it, because i am sexually available to Him all the time, i’ve chosen that, and that’s scary to me.  

Are there limits?

i don’t know.  

If i answer that question, i’ll start thinking up limits, giving my rationale for exceptions, for when there would be a “not now” and so on.  But that’s not how this works.

Sigh.

Ok, so no limits.

Yes, i’m sexually available to Him all the time, no limits.

No, i don’t know what that looks like exactly for us.  i just trust Him to make it ok.

So yeah, i’ll trust Him with my body, but not my money?  That’s interesting, isn’t it?  

Sin commented yesterday, i think it was Sin, that it was about trust ~ the money thing.  And power, which of course it is, but so is sex in a D/s dynamic.  Isn’t it?  i think.

And she made me stop and think when she said:

I think it’s about permanence. When you let someone beat you with a cane, it hurts in the moment. When you give someone control over your finances or let someone brand you or tattoo you, that has a longer term implication.

i would let someone brand me before i’d give them full control of my money.

Really?

Yeah, i think so.  Weird, huh?

But i digress.  Back to being sexually available ~

it scares me and it turns me on and makes me feel open and vulnerable and trusting and did i say scared?

Yeah.

Pushing that limit, handing over the power and control…

Really, isn’t that at the heart of TTWD?

Tags: 30 Days of Submission, BDSM, Dominance, Submission

Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

 Financial submission is not part of my own submission.  Um, not now, pretty much not ever that i can imagine.  i know, never say never, but Sir’s skills are not in the financial realm, and He’ll be the first to tell you that.  But i just can’t imagine being financially submissive.

See, i read this stuff i’m writing and i think, i’m probably not even submissive at all!!  Know what i mean?  But still.

i am familiar, i think, with the principals of financial submission ~ at least what i could find on-line.   i thought i understood to start with, and then i googled it, so i know that much.  

Seems like there’s a bunch of Domme’s “offering” the opportunity for financial domination, and male submissives more than happy to offer financial support.  

And i want to be real careful here not to make any judgements about other people’s kink.  Because i’m pretty sure some people would have some negative judgements about my kink.  Some people would think that being sexually available at all times, or getting whacked with a cane was outrageous.  So i want to be careful here.

Plus, it’s not any of my business if other people express their submission financially.  i’m sure plenty of people do and it probably works fine for them.  One story i read on-line about a guy and his Domme did sound an awful lot like having a mistress, or a well-cared for spoiled wife, but hey, nothing wrong with that.   She’s getting the financial support she needs for college, and He gets dominated every Sunday afternoon.  Not a bad deal.

And really, men taking financial care of women is not a new concept in our culture.  

When it’s the female submissive handing her money over, i may imagine shades of pimps, taking advantage of their hard-working stable of girls, or  the 50’s housewife with a stingy allowance who can’t buy a new pair of stockings without permission.   Not a new concept… and not a pretty one.

i need to remember that there are lots of relationships where one person handles the money, and there’s nothing wrong with that. There are lots of relationships where one person handles the money, and there’s nothing wrong with that.  There are lots of relationships where one person…

But really, submissives who are terrible at managing money would be grateful to hand it to someone else.  Sir pointed out that some people may really need help with budgeting, and a good Dom would try to take care of it if possible.

But ~ you may have guessed this ~ it’s not my thing.  If that changes at some point, i’ll come describe what happened, but you may want to check my fingerprints too.  

i remember a couple of times when i was married the first time ~ there were a couple of summers that i didn’t work because what i would have made would barely have covered child care, so it seemed pointless.

It was a crappy experience for me.  My vanilla-but-controlling husband clearly felt he was now in sole charge of money and none of it was mine.  i do not ever want to feel like that again.

i remember my husband at the time saying, in front of the kids, that he owned our house, that it didn’t belong to me because he was paying the mortgage with his money.  And i felt so outraged, it was my savings that paid for part of the down payment, and my mother gave us the rest, and i had been not working for exactly two months at the time, besides which it’s a community property state and how frigging dare he say that in front of the kids and not wanting to kill him in front of them, but feeling so helpless and angry and awful… and he just kept laughing and saying no, it was HIS house.

Whew.  i hadn’t thought about that in so long.  i can still remember exactly where i was standing when he said it.  Asshole.

Having money helped allow me to get out of that relationship and still provide a home for my daughter.  Yeah, i could have done it without, but it sure would have been harder.  Call me un-submissive, i don’t ever want to be trapped in a relationship because i can’t afford to leave and support myself.

If there’s a little voice in my head that says it’s about trust and commitment, it might be right.  But after two marriages, each of which i was sure would last forever and ever, i’m not banking on forever’s.   i’m just not.

Tags: 30 Days of Submission, BDSM, Dominance, Submission

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission?  If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

Yes, absolutely, i do include service as an expectation.

How do you define service?

Hmmmm.  In the context of submission and my relationship, i define it as anything i do that is specifically for the purpose of pleasing Him or making His life easier or more enjoyable.

What does it mean to you?

i don’t even know how to answer this.  It’s like if someone asked me to explain what reading means to me. How do you explain that?  It’s intrinsic to who i am.

Ok, that’s not to say that i’m the kind of submissive who’s always taking care of everybody.  i’m not.  i’m not the first to jump up and offer to get refills for people’s drinks.  Not the first to start clearing the table.  i don’t typically spend hours listening to someone’s problems in social settings.  Don’t feel the need to find folks a job or lend them money.

And i am not big on self-sacrifice.  i think it’s generally a set-up for the drama triangle, which i prefer to stay off of.  Martyrdom is not my style.  

i think Sir enjoys the small services i offer Him ~ that is the point, after all.  But i think He appreciates my ability to write, to be a good listener, to be open and welcoming, my insight in  understanding people ~ those kinds of things ~ as much as my ability to fix His coffee just the way He likes it.

That doesn’t mean i’m a rescuer.  i believe i need to take care of my self, develop who i am, learn and grow.  i believe if i don’t take care of myself, i can’t take care of anyone else.  i believe if i “bend over backwards” for someone, i will probably just hurt my back.

i try to set an example, to role model self-care.  That does mean if i offer to do something, i probably want to do it, or think it’s a good idea.  You don’t have to worry about taking advantage of me.

But for me ~ and it’s difficult for me to say this, because it’s sounds like i have a grandiose sense of self ~ but for me, it’s important to figure out how i’m supposed to use those skills in a way that’s of service to people around me.  Not just Sir, but other people.  

Obviously, as a therapist, and as a supervisor, there was lots of room for that.

Now i’m looking at all kinds of changes in my life, but the questions are still the same.  What do i need to be doing, and how can i do it with love?

That’s what service means to me.  Service is doing what we do with love.

And i know i’m not alone in this.  The same is true for many of us, maybe for all of us, in some way, i think.  What do you think?

Tags: 30 Days of Submission, BDSM, Dominance, Submission

Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

Hmmm.  There is not a lot of structure, and few rules, or limits in my relationship with Sir.  Sometimes, i think i would like more, but you know what they say.  “Be careful what you ask for…”

i’ve chosen to let this relationship unfold as it will, to some extent anyhow.  Within the framework of being honest with my thoughts and feelings, and sharing them with Him.  Maybe not as soon as i have the thought or feeling, but when the time is right.

He has a few rules that He expects me to follow, but they’re so easy to follow they almost don’t count.  Monogamy.  He and i are monogamous, i’m His, i would not play with anyone else.  i am perfectly ok with that, so it’s not an issue.

Honesty.  He expects me to be honest.  That’s not always as easy as it sounds, but He’s reasonable about it and doesn’t hold honest error or mistakes against me.

He expects me to be open, but i want to be too, so that works out.

Those are big things.  They’re not “rules” like “don’t leave your clothes in the dryer” {which i do often} or “don’t start eating until I say you can.”  Sometimes, i think it would be easier to have a bunch of rules like that.

Instead, He expects me {i guess He expects me} to continue looking for ways to please Him within the framework of our lives.   And to do whatever He asks me to do.  And to be sexually available.

He hasn’t demanded any of that from me.  He hasn’t listed it in a contract to be signed.  It seems like He’s waited til i offer it, and then has closed the deal quickly.

So, for example, Saturday night i offered Him my willingness to stop what i’m doing to be open to Him.   Sunday, He came home and i was rearranging some stuff on shelves.  i stopped to hug Him, which i always, always do when He comes home.

So we’re hugging and He notices my hair is damp.  i say i’m “fresh out of the shower,” and He says, “O, yeah?”

He pulls one arm behind my back and guides me into the bedroom.

He pulls my pants half down, and i think He’s going to spank me, but, “I want to see what “fresh out of the shower” tastes like,” He says.  “Take your pants  off and get up there and offer yourself to me.”

So of course i do, and there’s a couple of minutes of pure pleasure.  When He’s through, which is before i have an orgasm, when i’m still all gasping and squirming, He stops.

“Good girl,” He says, “Good girl for being open and offering yourself.  Now you can put your pants back on.”

And He walks out of the room, leaving me all turned on, in a really stunned, happy kind of way.

That’s the kind of thing He does.  Later, i realize that i’ve really made a commitment to be sexually available.  Wow.

Saturday night, after dinner, i talked to Him about the things that had been on my mind for a while.  i want His guidance in some vanilla aspects of my life. And that scares the hell out of me.

It fits with the stuff Raven talks about – having a tree relationship as much as or more than a yin-yang relationship, and being on the path of Service and Mastery and all that.  i was afraid Sir wouldn’t be interested in any of that.

i was afraid He’d laugh at me.  Afraid He’d say no, afraid He’d say yes.

But i talked about it, and i listened.  i didn’t just spill it all out, i stopped and gave Him time to say what He thinks.  i think He understood what i meant, and He agreed to help me in the ways i need help.

i need to manage my time well.  It’s real unstructured right now, and i need to be on top of the bunch of projects i have going on, and to exercise, and to blog, and to do all kinds of things.

He has a bunch of management training, and has trained managers.  i’ve been a manager, but my organization didn’t really believe in training us, they just promoted us and turned us loose on an unsuspecting staff.  So this will be new for me.

Not that i have staff ~ i just need to manage myself without many outside deadlines, without fires to put out, or people knocking on my door all the time.

So after He agrees to help me, {and remember, just asking for help is really hard for me}, then He starts asking me questions about my computer, and i don’t know any of the answers.  He’s PC and i’m Mac, so He doesn’t know how my system works.

He takes my little Mac Air and starts examining it, and asking me questions.  i only know about one out of five answers.  So He’s poking around the system, learning things and explaining them to me.

i’m so anxious, i can hardly stand it.

Really.  i look ok, i think, but internally i’m squirming and ready to jump out of my skin.  He’s explaining something, in gentle tones, in simple terms, and i’m on the verge of a panic attack.

i notice this, and i’m able to think, “this is interesting, what’s this about?” and it hits me, when i feel like this, it’s a “father issue.”   Which means ~

~ o, yeah. i’m totally expecting Sir to suddenly use that gentle tone and the  simple terms against me so i end up feeling totally stupid and worthless.  Yep.  That’s why i’m about to panic.

So i tell Him, i just blurt it out, the whole thing about it being a Dad thing, which He totally gets, and how i feel.

And He assures me that He’s not going to do that.  He points out the way He’s already doing some things that make it more comfortable for me, and i realize that’s true.  He is already holding me safe.  

He won’t turn this on me and make me feel ashamed.

Later, when i have the opportunity to express myself sexually, i am so happy to be able to bring Him pleasure.  It pleases me immeasurably to take Him in my mouth and show Him a love there are no words for.

That’s how it works for us.

Tags: 30 Days of Submission, BDSM, Dominance, Submission

How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive?

i don’t know how other people know, or if there’s some sure way to know.  For me ~ well, i’ve told the story before about reading Story of O when i was young ~ maybe 13 or 14 ~ and being so incredibly turned on i just about couldn’t stand it.

i read that book dog-eared.

i was also appalled by it, and had no idea there was a way to act on those fantasies and still be safe.  So i had this internal conflict about it for many years, and threw away more than one dog-eared copy of that ~ and other books ~ swearing to put that stuff behind me.

But my orgasms have always been connected with BDSM.  Fantasy or real, i don’t think that i’ve had more than a handful of orgasms in my life that didn’t involve BDSM.

i’m not sure that by itself would mean i was submissive.  It might mean i’m masochistic, for example.  Or would like to be a bottom in scenes.

The element that i think makes me know i’m submissive is this tremendous desire to give myself to the person i love, to be in their control, to have them exert power over me.

That was there ~ the desire, the urge to feel that ~ even in my vanilla relationships.  It is not something that vanilla men understand, and expressing it to them is not always a good idea.  Yeah, actually, in my experience, it is never a good idea.

At the same time, i feel a deep desire to please my Beloved.  Learning to balance that with real life in a vanilla relationship  with a man who was never pleased for more than a minute, was a challenge.

When i discovered the kink world, and realized i could possibly express my submissive nature safely, i felt like a kid in a candy shop ~

           ~~ a duck who’d found water

                                ~~ an orphan who’d come home.

How do you feel when you express your submission?

Gosh, i think most of this blog has been an answer to that question.  i don’t know if i can do it justice in a short answer.  

When i submit to my Sir, i feel ~

 ~ open and loving, full of trust ~ 

      ~ deeply connected with Him, and with myself ~

               ~ a sense of belonging ~ belonging to Him and with Him ~ 

and it just feels right.

Tags: 30 Days of Submission, BDSM, Dominance, Submission