aisha

i’m stealing these questions verbatim from a discussion Mr. Michael started on fetlife.  For some reason, when i get involved in a discussion on fetlife, i end up sounding ~ i don’t know ~ not the way i intended for things to sound.  At least, that’s how it feels.

Plus, a family event is going to keep me away from the Special Interest Group discussion AGAIN this month.  So i thought i’d bring the discussion here and see what happens.

Here are Mr. Michael’s questions:

Most of us like to think that our community is a sex-positive place. I’ve been hearing the term “slut shaming” a lot lately in blogs that I follow and wanted to see what people thought about the practice in supposedly sex-positive circles.

What do you consider to be slut shaming behaviors?

Do you feel slut shaming has a place in our community, or is in some circumstances appropriate?

Do you see forms of slut shaming in our community? Have any examples of instances you’ve seen before or are commonly witnessed?

What are some less-obvious slut shaming behaviors you would like to see abolished?

What is your opinion on why people would engage in slut shaming?

Are there double standards for men/women, gay/straight, or Dom/sub, etc. identities? How so?”

In case you’re not familiar with the term “slut shaming,” here are a couple of ways it’s defined:

“Short answer: Slut-shaming, also known as slut-bashing, is the idea of shaming and/or attacking a woman or a girl for being sexual, having one or more sexual partners, acknowledging sexual feelings, and/or acting on sexual feelings. Furthermore, it’s “about the implication that if a woman has sex that traditional society disapproves of, she should feel guilty and inferior” (Alon Levy, Slut Shaming). It is damaging not only to the girls and women targeted, but to women in general and society as a whole. It should be noted that slut-shaming can occur even if the term “slut” itself is not used.”

{From Feminism 101 – http://finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com/2010/04/04/what-is-slut-shaming/)

Or, as Mr. Michael defines it:

“To me, it’s the practice of trying to make someone feel bad for their personal sexual choices based on your own ideas of what is socially acceptable, but usually in the context of how many partners they have, how many they have in bed at once, how fast they go from introduction to play or sex, which partners they choose, etc.”

It’s the opposite of sex-positive, which is a movement that:

“…promotes and embraces open sexuality with few limits. Sex positivity is “an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, and encourages sexual pleasure and experimentation. The sex-positive movement is a social and philosophical movement that advocates these attitudes. The sex-positive movement advocates sex education and safer sex as part of its campaign.”[1] The movement makes no moral distinctions among types of sexual activities, regarding these choices as matters of personal preference.

{From the Wikipedia}

Many thanks to FA {Fondlers Anonymous} who gave me this award here.  If you haven’t visited her blog yet, go do it.  She has a delightful blog, and i’m enjoying following her discoveries in the great kink adventure we all share.

Here are the rules of the award:

Thank the person/people who nominated you and link back to them in your post.
– Share seven possibly unknown things about yourself.
– Nominate fifteen or so bloggers you admire.
– Contact the chosen bloggers to let them know and link back to them.

Thank you, FA!!  🙂

i suspect that youall already know too much about me, but here are 7 more things:

1.  i wear reading glasses, most of which i get at the dollar store.  i have 5 or 6 pairs, scattered in different places ~ o, maybe i have more than that.  There are some in the house, in different rooms, in the car, in my purse, at the office…  i like colorful frames, lots of purple, some with rhinestones.   i also like to look over them at people for a reprimanding effect.

These are cute…

2.  i hated high school passionately.  I went to a Catholic all-girls school, and pretty much hated everything about it.  Spent my whole four years trying to prove that i really wasn’t very smart, trying to see how little work i could do and still get average grades.

3.  i  was in an abusive relationship when i was in high school.

4.  i smoked cigarettes for about forty years, and have not smoked in over three years.  Do not congratulate me or tell me you’re proud of me, condolences only are accepted.  i’m just glad i had those good years with my smokes.  Smokers and former smokers will understand.

5.  My biological daughter has always traveled her own path.   i’m pretty sure this is the universe’s way of paying me back for doing the same thing, so i deserve it, and i mostly enjoy her a lot.

6.  i post a quote on facebook every day.  Yeah, every single day, a different one, not “shared” from someone else.   i started out finding them in books i have, but now i mostly look up either a category or a person on the internet.  Some of my favorites are from Kahlil Gibran, Pema Chodron, Thich Naht Hahn, James Baldwin, bell hooks, Winnie-the-Pooh, and Dr. Seuss.

7.    Sometimes, i am just a teeny bit jealous of the bloggers who are just starting out on their kinky journey.  They have so many discoveries ahead of them, so many good times to experience.  Not that i don’t too, but there’s something about those first kinky steps, the novelty of blogging about it, making cyber friends…  ahhhhhhh.  Good times ahead.

Here are some of the blogs that i read:

These first ones are the people i’ve been reading since i discovered kinky blogs.  I thought they were like rock stars back in the day, a fact which still amuses them.

My friend ‘Nilla’s blog ~ Vanilla mom ~ who does the best mix of real life and kinky fantasy that you can imagine. Even if there are dragons in her stories sometimes.

Sfp’s blog, Jumping on In ~ who mixes kink and her vanilla adventures with her own personal touch.

Mick ‘n’ Molly over at Under Contract to my Wife ~ who live the closest to me, and who were the first blogging kinksters i ever met, way back in the day.

That’s the group of blogging kinksters i’ve actually met in person, and it still delights me to remember those experiences.  The other “rock star” from my early days, i haven’t met in person, but still want to.

Sin at Finding my Submission ~ and when i think “Kinky Bloggers Convention” i totally think of her and her Dom, Big Bad, being at the party.  Wouldn’t that be fun?

Little Monkey, who’s changed blogs more than once, but takes her delightful personality, interesting thoughts, and sometimes painful honesty with her.  i picture her at the kinky bloggers convention making us all laugh, and then hitting some poignant note that brings tears to my eyes.  Yeah.  It would be awesome.

   {There are some blogs that would go here,                                         but they’re private these days,                                                                          so there’s no point in listing them.}

 My friend Ali is another one who changes blogs often, {at least by my standards.  i’ll have the same blog when i’m doing it from the nursing home.}  i keep following Ali because i love watching her change and grow.

Mouse and Omega offer another view of people growing, changing, and healing in the kink world.  i’ve learned so much from reading them.  They’re on vacation at the moment, but if you haven’t already been a reader there, this would be a good time to read the archives.

Green Girl doesn’t post as often as i wish she would, but she always gives me a new perspective to wrestle with, and often i go back and read her posts more than once.

Then there are the Dom’s blogs:

Jake at Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds ~ who is a thoughtful, philosophical Dom, sharing the early days of his kink with his wife, Joy.

Dauntless Vitality at A Dauntless Journey, who posts the most wonderful photographs, and writes interesting and thoughtful posts.

Ms Constance at Ms Constance Explains is new to blogging, but an old hand in the kink world.  You all already know she’s a friend of mine, so that’s way cool.

Sir J at What Does it Mean to be Dominant gives a real Dom viewpoint on the universe.

A View from the Top ~ David writes great posts, and some terrific fiction too.  i wish he’d write some more of the Agnes and Fredrick stories, they are so very hot.

And back to subs:

faerie at Faerie Learns to Fly ~ who is as delightful as the name of her blog implies.

lil at Submissive sanctuary, who thoughtfully explores her experience, and recently listed 100 things about herself.  {Yikes!}

And now i’ve hit 15 and there are so many more to go…. damn.

Joolz, who’s really new, and Conina, at Exploring Surrender, who i really like, and Florida Dom, who starts a lot of discussions, but also writes some fiction, and Wordwytch, whose stories intrigue and excite, and omigosh, Discerning Dom, who was actually among my first blogs to read, and who still turns me on instantly, and Kitty, the Submissive Wife, and so many others, that really i almost wish i hadn’t started this list cause i’m leaving out more than i included.

Sigh.

And i’m supposed to notify them that i’ve dinged them here, but sheesh, that’s gonna take a long time, and i’ve been writing this post forever.  Tomorrow is another day, right?

And tomorrow, on here, i want to write about slut-shaming and whether or not the BDSM community is actually sex positive….

Went to the munch last night, which was held at the original munch venue.  Nice memories for those people who went there for years, but good grief, it’s crowded, and the food is ~ good enough, i suppose, but not so exciting for those of us who are not indulging in carbs or meat.

My best shot at sticking to my eating plan is the salad, which is iceberg lettuce, tomato, cucumbers {which i don’t like} and um, i think that’s all.  Maybe some shredded carrot and cabbage?  Maybe.    O, croutons.  And shredded cheese.  Yellow cheese.  Anyhow, it’s a very old-school salad.

Then i blew my eating plan with two little pieces of delicious garlic-y flatbread that Ms. Constance had ordered.   They were small,  but then i ate the croutons too, cause what the hell, we’re walking on the wild side these days anyhow, aren’t we?

It’s still hotter than Hades here, and Sir kindly dropped me off at the door and drove a couple of blocks away to park.  It would have been a slow, laborious trip in my heels, in the hot sun, and i would have been fairly wilted before we got there otherwise, even though i was wearing my sleeveless dress that’s actually short ~ well, a couple of inches above my knees.  Sir pronounced it “cute,” several times, in enthusiastic tones, so that was nice.

Ms. Constance had held space for us, which was wonderful, because it was packed by the time we got there, and of course, i’d rather sit with Ms. Constance than anywhere else, even though i know and like a bunch of people these days.  There were some other old-timers with her  ~ NOT to imply that Ms. Constance is old, but just meaning she’s not a newbie on the scene by any means, right?  

Anyhow, the man sitting across from her and next to me was Ambrosio, and his business card says:

Gentleman.  Sensual top.  Dominant when appropriate.

Safe, Sane & Consensual BDSM since 1994.

which makes me smile.

He has this website, which is way cool, and i wish i’d discovered it back in the day when i was newer to all this.  Although it’s never too late to learn and enjoy.

He links with some articles by Ms. Constance too, so if you visit the website, you can nod knowingly and say, “O, yeah,  i know her, she’s aisha’s friend.”    If you haven’t visited her blog yet ~ she’s here.

Ms. Constance refers to me in her post today as “one of her favorites” so you see we’ve become a mutual admiration society, which is way cool too.

{Happy sigh.}

i don’t know that Sir enjoys the munches so much, although He always says He had a good time.    Drew wasn’t there last night, and we missed him.  We both enjoy talking with him.

But Sir is so laid back that really, i think He enjoys most experiences, and i love that about Him, so i guess it’s all ok.  No need for me to create anxiety if it’s not necessary, right?

Saw this quote today, and loved it.

“Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?’

‘Supposing it didn’t,’ said Pooh after careful thought.

Piglet was comforted by this.”

― A.A. Milne

i intend to “suppose it didn’t” all day, about all kinds of things, and hope you do too!  

*** If you can’t access my short links, here are the sites:

http://www.evilmonk.org/a/menu.cfm

http://msconstanceexplains.wordpress.com/

i’m all off schedule today.

Stayed up late watching a movie with Sir ~ School for Seduction ~ which was very fun, even if the English and Italian accents made it difficult sometimes.  

Slept in ~ leaped out of bed barely in time to do a quick post on the other blog i post on sometimes, which i had to do ’cause it was my turn, and then race out the door to my volunteer gig where ~

although i often complain about being cold, i almost never complain about being hot, because from 7 to 8:30 a.m. is usually just not that hot.  But today ~ it was in the 90’s by 7:30.  Ugh.

Then breakfast, and home for a nap.  Ahhhhhh.

So now you see, i’m posting at random times of the day ~ how wild and crazy is that??? 

Mwhahahahahahaha… i am a rule-breaking, radical non-conformist.

AND tonight ~

~ there’s a munch.

And ~

~ we’re going.  

Yep.

i’m ending my first week of not being at my old job.  It still feels like i’m on vacation.

 That’s not a bad feeling.  

i think i’ll be more excited when it kicks in that this is it.  That i don’t have to go back.

What i’ll need to do is figure out what working for myself looks like.

Yikes.

But i’m taking this month, and half of August off, and just playing with it all.

Easing through the transition.  Maybe.  Or maybe there’s a meltdown just waiting to happen.

Don’t know where i’m at with blogging.  Almost didn’t today.  i’ll take a break for sure in August.  Well, i think i will anyhow.

i’m nesting at home, nesting in my office.   Lots of moving furniture, hanging pictures, and strategically placing knick knacks.  Not that i have a lot of knick knacks, but the ones i have demand respect.

Anyhow.   Getting ready to go see the Little Rascal, and help my daughter run some errands.

Feeling good about life.  🙂

~ If He requires me to wear my leather training collar and cuffs to sleep in, i wake up kind of sweaty underneath them and they’re just a little bit uncomfortable.  Which is actually a nice reminder of who i am.

~  The Higgs Boson particle is a big deal, and could change our understanding of the universe.  Well, probably not my understanding, because i don’t think i grasp the current theories well enough now to appreciate the difference.  But for some other people, it will change their paradigm, which could eventually trickle down in some meaningful way to me. 

~ If i’m kneeling, and wearing nipple clamps ~ the C-clamps with the chain between them and three big metal rings dangling from the chain, which already hurts ~ and i lean forward ~ which i have to do for my mouth to be where i want it to be ~ then they really, really hurt.  The clamps, that is.  More than you might think.  

~  If i continue leaning forward, intent on bringing pleasure to my Sir, the clamps eventually fall off, which hurts for a minute, and then feels better.  And if i’m successful at providing pleasure as intended, Sir will barely notice or care that the clamps are no longer clamped on me.

~  Neither of our bathrooms are big enough to accommodate both a new medicine cabinet and the over-the-toilet cabinet we liked.  Fortunately, we learned this through astute measuring, not after the fact.

~  If i have an orgasm right before going to sleep, i fall asleep in a flash, sleep like a rock, and wake up rested and ready for anther day.  Better than Tylenol PM.   Ok, i  might have already known that one, but some lessons need to be learned more than once.

Sin posted the other day about Canada Day, so it seems only right that i should do the Fourth.

Minimal fireworks here due to the hot, dry weather ~ the professional ones are still on, but the neighborhoods are more quiet than usual.   The fire department has asked people not to do their own, and some folks are apparently listening.

Plenty of fireworks inside the house though.  Sir and i are setting off our own pretty regularly.

There’s not usually a big bang noise with them, just little explosions of joy inside me.  And Him, i think.

O, wait, this was supposed to be about Fourth of July.  Real fireworks and such.

Everything is created from moment to moment, always new. Like fireworks, this universe is a celebration and you are the spectator contemplating the eternal Fourth of July of your absolute splendor. 

~~ Francis Lucille

Hmm, that’s not really about fireworks, is it?  How ’bout this:

“I often use the word “joy” when describing fireworks. It is a considered word, deliberate in choice. Not just amusement, entertainment, astonishment, but joy. Our art makes us all into children again for a while. We become one in our experience for the moment; lost in the sound and color and light. We see large forces, stronger than we could ever be, yet beautiful in their effects. Sometimes violent, sometimes restrained. Delicate beyond imagination at times, coarse and rude at others.”
~~ Bill Withrow

 And that could be all about kink, couldn’t it?  And we won’t even start a discussion about freedom…

Happy Fourth of July!

Yesterday was my first day not working at my old job.  It was plenty busy, but very different. 

Um, when i say “busy”, i don’t necessarily mean work-like ~ i spent several hours holding my granddaughter… pretty tough times.  🙂

At home, we are still moving furniture and such, and i suspect we will be for a very long time.  i did some of that yesterday too, and feel  a little achy for it this morning.

There is newness between my Sir and me.  We’re still learning how we are together ~ and i hope we will always be learning each other.  Bringing “beginner’s mind” to the relationship.

Already, He understands me in ways that no one else has even tried to see.  i don’t mean sex or kink things, although that too.  But He asks me questions about things that no one else has been curious about. 

It’s an odd feeling, and sometimes i get a touch defensive.  i imagine criticism, and get tense.  But then He assures me that it’s not, or says something that eases it, or just smiles at me, and it’s ok.

A couple of times, i’ve felt His dominance and realized ~ really realized ~ that this relationship will change my life.  It’s an exciting and scary feeling.