The discussion topic on Sunday afternoon was negotiations. There was {as always} a long list of questions:
– What are the differences in negotiating a scene versus negotiating a relationship?
• What are the benefits and drawbacks of using a third party in negotiation?
• How do you assure that you are using the same definitions when negotiating?
• What’s the best way to approach a negotiation with another person?
• Do all parties have equal importance in the negotiation, regardless of power orientation?
• What’s the hardest part of negotiation for a dominant?
• What’s the hardest part of negotiation for a submissive?
• What’s the hardest part of negotiation for a dominant?
• Is it important to put parts of negotiation in writing?
• How do you negotiate changes over time in a relationship?
• Does every relationship require negotiation?
• Do different power relationships have different starting points in a negotiation or do all parties begin equally?
Lots of interesting questions. In the submissives group, we tend to try to answer all the questions. So, for example, we could agree quickly that the hardest thing for a submissive in negotiations is saying “no,” and risking not pleasing the person we most want to please. We didn’t go into a lot of depth around the answers.
We did spend a long time talking about the first point ~ the difference in negotiating a scene and a relationship. Some of the differences there are pretty obvious – a scene is short-term, a relationship long-term. For me, the biggest difference is that if i were negotiating a scene with someone i wasn’t in a relationship with, it would be because the scene was something i wanted and not because i was trying to please him. That might be interesting.
i’ve never “negotiated” the way some of the other submissive have for a particular scene or to experience a type of play, much less used a third party to negotiate. My first “play scenes” were with Sir D, who pretty much just told me what he was going to do. i trusted him not to harm me, and he was careful with me.
Sir D took responsibility for checking in with me and encouraging me to say what i was feeling. He taught me the importance of communicating what my experience was ~ what i was feeling ~ as best i could in that moment, and more clearly in giving him feedback afterwards. It was a wonderful experience, but not an exercise in negotiating.
Anyhow.
i do think all relationships involve negotiations, and Sir and i are negotiating our relationship in a rather organic way. Not so formal, but very real.
During dinner at Donna and Bill’s, He was telling them what He had told me early on in our relationship. He had said, “Don’t have expectations about what kind of Dom I’m going to be. I’m not doing this out of some book, so I may not do things the way someone else thinks they should be done, and I’m probably not going to change that.”
That has certainly been true, and if i sometimes think that i would like a more “by-the-book” Dom, i have traded that for a very real man who has great integrity and strength of character. {Not saying that some of you don’t have all of those qualities in your Dom, just saying that it’s an acceptable trade-off for me.}
At the discussion on Sunday, it was fun when one woman realized how the whole idea of negotiations in a relationship was a new experience for her and countered her history of either having to give in without question or having to strongly hold one stance without flexibility. Just the idea of negotiating and having her right to do so acknowledged and accepted was exciting for her.
It was also lots of fun when the groups came back together to hear Ms. Constance’s ideas on negotiations and what other Doms thought. i had planned to write about that today, but will save it for tomorrow.
Am wondering too, what are your thoughts on negotiations? As you look at the questions, are there any of those that you have strong thoughts on? Leave a comment about it, or blog about it and link back here if you want to.
On a whole different note, i was reading Faerie’s blog this morning. This was her 100th post, so CONGRATULATIONS on that. But i noticed today ~
~ she says that she has to get her chores done before she even gets on the computer. i thought, “what a great idea! If i did that, i’d get so much more done!!”
But then i wouldn’t be doing this right now. i never get done with everything i need to do anyhow… so i probably won’t start that kind of rule. But it seemed like a good idea for the moment!
